Author: Creative Group Suning
Every time the child's emotional collapse and behavior are excessive, they originate from the parents' rebellion
Some time ago, a video on Douyin and Weibo attracted a lot of people to watch and discuss. In the video, a girl sits in the back of an electric car in a shawl, frantically pushing and shoving her mother riding an electric car.
At first glance, the mother is pushed and shoved by her daughter on the street and violently hits the helmet, do you think that the daughter is particularly rebellious? But the fact is: the daughter's old mobile phone has a problem, and the mother discussed the plan to change the mobile phone, but not all the money is out of the mother, saving 4,000 yuan, and the mother subsidizes 2,000 yuan. Just when the girl finally saved enough money and went to buy a mobile phone with her mother with joy, she did not want her mother to rebel on the way there, saying: I do not plan to buy it for her.
The girl had been waiting for this day for a long time, did not want her mother to regret it halfway, and was suddenly angry and emotionally excited. If the mother is just simple, perhaps the daughter will not have the "evil deeds" of emotional collapse later. The mother's purpose is not only not to buy a mobile phone for her daughter, she also wants to occupy the "private money" that her daughter has worked hard to save. Therefore, she deliberately parked the car on the side of the road and counted her daughter, complaining that her daughter did not understand things, did not know how to understand her suffering, and wanted her daughter to voluntarily hand over 4,000 yuan under the moral condemnation and oppression of everyone.
The daughter originally had resistance to her mother's remorse, which not only could not be changed, but also the money she had worked so hard to save would be taken away by her mother in such a forced way, and the despair in her heart could be imagined. But the daughter did not want to make a big deal out of it, and only wanted to go home quickly and close the door to solve the problem, so she urged her mother to let her go quickly. From the girl's urging tone, it can also be seen that the daughter has endured for a long time, trying her best to restrain her emotions and impulses, even if her mother is treacherous and makes her happy, but she still can't bear to hurt her mother. I didn't think that my mother had an iron heart like this, even if the daughter urged and pushed her hard, she didn't move at all, and the daughter saw more and more people watching, her dignity was damaged, and finally she collapsed and cried, and there was such a show of "great rebellion".
To tell the truth, the girl's action against the mother may not be tolerated by morality and ethics, but the mother's experience is not sympathetic, which is how many times she has rebelled, in exchange for the daughter's desperate mood and excessive behavior.
Most netizens also expressed their understanding of the girl's anger at that time, after all, the mother's hatred is not only rebellion, but also disregards the feelings and dignity of the daughter, and deliberately puts the daughter in the whirlpool of public opinion.
Once upon a time, this relative, who made the child extremely trusted, has now become the "executioner" who pushes the child to the outlet of public opinion?
Indeed, as the sociologist Lin Zach said, "Parents are the closest people to their children and the most trustworthy people." Every deception from the parents is enough to crush the child's inner world. ”
The mother's expedient measure of agreeing first and then repenting of cheating became the straw that crushed the girl's emotional collapse. It is understood that at the end of the matter, the daughter bought the dream mobile phone, however, the trauma caused by this matter may need to be digested by the mother and daughter in the long years to come.
There is a saying in philosophy that the accumulation of quantity will lead to a qualitative leap.
Every emotional collapse and excessive behavior of children is not achieved overnight, but the child has experienced countless outbreaks after the parents have rebelled.
Parents' untrustworthiness is slowly overdrawing their children's "trust limit"
Lin Miaomiao in "Young Pi", her academic performance is not very good, and she directly ranked at the bottom after entering the high school experimental class, ranking first from the bottom. After her mother went to a parent-teacher conference to learn about the ranking, she went home and lost a good temper, so that she who had not done well in the original test was very depressed. Dad took her out to a barbecue to relieve her emotions, and in order to improve her motivation to study, promised her that if she did well in the next exam, he would give her a cash progress award of 1,000 yuan. Lin Miaomiao heard that he could have money to take when he learned and improved, and he was immediately full of energy.
After returning to school, she usually fell asleep as soon as she studied, and she did not love to sleep so much, for the bonus of 1,000 yuan, she could be described as riveting in school, and finally made progress in the next exam. But when she came home happily and was waiting expectantly for her parents to give her a 1,000 yuan cash reward, she did not expect that her mother would only give her a reward of 100 yuan. Lin Miaomiao saw that the bonus on the table was compressed by 10 times by her mother, and the joy and happiness of her progress were also compressed by 10 times. But the mother did not care, she did not seem to understand the change in the mood of her daughter because of her own words and no faith, and then said: The progress award will be given to 1000, then after she is admitted to Tsinghua, I must not ruin my family?
Lin Miaomiao was furious after listening to her mother's words, and complained to her father: "You adults just don't count when you talk, I won't take the exam again." ”
In fact, the reason why Lin Miaomiao said such self-defeating words was not only because her parents did not fulfill the promises she made to her, but more because she was disappointed in her parents' promises but could not do it, making her empty and happy. Lin Miaomiao's parents believe that many people have experienced such a faithless behavior and way, I believe that many people have experienced it when they were young.
The verbal and easy promises made by parents are the motivation and evidence for the child's efforts to become better, but when the child corrects and becomes better, the promises that were once made have become unattainable blank checks.
There is a saying in the Tao Te Ching: "A light promise is a lack of faith." "Parents either make promises to their children easily at the beginning, or they try their best to do them after they make them.
After all, in the process of raising children, it is better to teach by example than to pass on. If parents always educate their children in this way and control their children, not to mention that the effect of "motivation" will be more and more discounted, and the child's trust in you will become weaker and weaker. It will also affect the parent-child relationship in the long run, and unconsciously let the child learn such a way of dealing with the world, if the child also becomes a renegade person, for the sake of temporary interests, casually promise and say that it is not counted, I would like to ask, can he still get the trust of teachers and classmates in school?
If a child does one day become such a person, how many potential development opportunities will be lost?
So from now on, do not grasp the promise to the child to fulfill, try not to make it easily, do not let yourself in the child's "trust quota" overdraft, parents are the child's first teacher, but also the benchmark of the child's life. If in their cognition, the closest parents can say nothing, how can others easily trust them?
What can parents do to stop losing their child's trust "quota" for themselves?
The China Youth Research Center once conducted a survey on the learning and living conditions and expectations of primary and secondary school students, and found that among the children's most dissatisfied parents, the high proportion of children who did not count their speech ranked first in 43.6%.
These data show that in primary and secondary school families, it is the norm for parents to speak without counting. This also exposes a hidden worry of family education: children's trust in their parents is gradually losing out in the normal state that parents do not count.
Perhaps, many parents, like the miaomiao mother mentioned above, are afraid that "words and beliefs" will actually promote their children's greed. As everyone knows, words and faith can not only set an example of morality and character for children, but also enhance children's sense of trust and closeness to their parents. Parents believe in their children's words, but also contain a recognition and encouragement - such as Lin Miaomiao, when she really achieves grade progress, the joy is not only because of money, but also because she breaks through herself with her own efforts. And parents worry that their children will become "insatiable", in fact, "encouraging behavior does not really play a role in the child's self-drive" caused by the result, as long as the child and the parents are responsible for their own affairs, draw a clear line, "insatiable" will not really happen.
So what can parents do to better protect their children's sense of trust in themselves and let them no longer lose it?
1. Promise your child something and try your best to do it
Chen Meiling, a doctor of education at Stanford University, told parents: "You must try your best to do what you promise your children, and don't let your children think that you are lying." Chen Meiling also practices the same for children in life. Once, she promised to take her child out to play football the next day, and even though she was tired by then, she gritted her teeth and persevered.
Because compared to her own fatigue, she did not want to be the one who did not believe in the child's mind.
This is not only about the child's trust threshold for herself, she is more afraid that the child will have a crisis of trust and no longer trust others. The child is suspicious and becomes distrustful of others, and he may be lonely for the rest of his life.
2. Lead by example and don't always lie to your children
A little boy in "Teacher Please Answer 2", Pippi, because he liked his acting career since he was a child, coupled with the "useless theory of reading" that his grandmother constantly reinforced for him, so he did not listen to his mother's words later and often skipped class. But the truth is that he really wants to go to class, and he also wants to go to school to learn cultural knowledge.
But why don't you want to listen to your mother and go to school?
Because his mother had asked him to go out to shoot advertisements, he lied about his illness when asking the teacher for leave, setting a precedent for lying, and he gradually lied that he did not want to go to school. The mother lied before, but now complains that the child does not listen to himself and does not trust himself. One of the teachers retorted, "Why should a child listen to the words of a lying mother?" ”
As Professor Li Meijin said: "Most of the problems of children stem from the parents' way of raising them. ”
The reason why the child has such a big behavioral contrast is because the mother's lying behavior has led to a trust bias in the credibility of the adult's words. Therefore, if you want your child to trust himself, first of all, he must lead by example and try not to be the "leader" and "role model" who lies.
3. If the promise cannot be fulfilled, sincerely bow to the child and admit the mistake and explain the reason
Not all of the promises made by parents to their children can be fulfilled one by one, they may not have time because they are busy at work, they may forget because they are busy with other things, they may because of other more or less accidental inevitable factors...
When we can't keep the promise we made to our children, we can sincerely bow our heads to the child and admit our mistakes and explain why we can't keep them.
American child psychologist Roda Duney said: "When parents break their promises, if they can say sorry to their children, they can help children build self-esteem and cultivate children's habits of respecting people." "Parents do not have to be bound by the inherent sense of authority in the face of their children's doubtful eyes because they have not fulfilled their promises, and feel that they will bow their heads and apologize and damage the authority of the highest.
A word of apology is not difficult to say, and the child is not so stubborn and unreasonable.
And the parents' apology is not only a debt to the child for not fulfilling the child's promise, but also for the child to realize the importance that the parents have promised, so that the child can feel the care and love of the parents.
A good parent-child relationship contains several elements: trust, listening, appreciation, and gratitude, of which "trust" is the core of the intimate connection between parents and children.
Because only when parents become the most trustworthy and dependent people in the child's heart, they will let go of their defenses and treat each other sincerely, and the child will not question the words and deeds of the parents.
As the American writer Nan sever said, "Children may not always remember their parents' repeated dings, but they always remember exactly what their parents casually agreed to." Every small commitment of adults is extremely important to children, and children will keep it in mind, because it contains the love and companionship of parents, and it also hides the children's expectations and trust from the bottom of their hearts for their parents.
So don't easily renege on your word, lose faith, don't let your "trust limit" drop from 100 points to below 0, and actively lose the child's trust threshold for themselves. Because you deliver on your child not only a promise, but also a trust that your child has in your parents. In the long-term parent-child relationship, such nourishment will help the child grow into a reliable and trustworthy person.
May every child thrive in a state of trust, respect and security!
Author: Suning. New Oriental Family Education (ID: xdfjtjy) transmits the concept of professional family education, provides family education information at home and abroad, and shares absorbable and operable methods and suggestions. Make continuous learning a habit for families.