This is the 2267th article on modern parent education
This article comes from the public account: Qian Zhiliang Studio
ID: qzlgzs
Mr. Mo Yan, the Nobel laureate in literature, once said this thought-provoking sentence when talking about family education:
"Everyone's earliest acceptance from birth is family education, and the most affected is also family education, which has been taught by words and deeds, and even I think that teaching by example is more important than words."
You live in this family, your elders, your relatives, the way they treat work, how they treat others, I think it will have a very direct and subtle impact on the children. ”
Indeed, the child is like a mirror that reflects the appearance of a family. The advantages and problems of children can often be found in the family.
The following kinds of families are more likely to raise excellent and promising children.
1
Harmonious, loving family
Harvard University has spent 76 years tracking 268 people to answer the question: What kind of people are most likely to be "life winners"?
The criteria for "winners in life" are very demanding. George Waliant, the psychologist who led the study, said the winner must be "decathlete": 2 of the ten criteria are related to income, 4 are related to physical and mental health, and 4 are related to intimacy and social support.
It turned out that what determines success in life is never IQ, body type, parental income, or education level.
The real answer is: love. As long as you can find "true love" before the age of 30 , whether it is true love, friendship or family affection , you can greatly increase your chances of "prospering in life".
This answer seems so ordinary that it is hard to believe. But researcher Valient said: "Love, warmth and intimacy can directly affect a person's coping mechanisms." ”
Setbacks in life cannot be avoided, people living in love, the ability to resist setbacks will be stronger, can confidently and bravely face the wind and rain in life, and quickly cheer up.
On the contrary, people who "lack love" often lose courage and strength in the face of setbacks, psychological vulnerability, and self-doubt.
In the early stages of a child's growth, a harmonious and loving family will allow the child to establish a full sense of security and self-worth.
Children with a sense of security and self-worth can fully accept themselves, mental health, have more courage and self-confidence to explore and develop themselves, and will also have good interpersonal and intimate relationships.
It can be said that love is the most important internal motivation for children's growth. Truly excellent children must be "loved".
Hellinger, the founder of the famous family arrangement system, proposed that happy family relationships are like this:
The couple stands closely side by side; the child stands in the middle of the front of the parents, forming a stable isosceles triangle relationship.
A harmonious and loving family, the first point is a harmonious husband and wife relationship.
No matter what problems they encounter, the husband and wife will always be "comrades-in-arms", adhering to the mentality of trust, understanding and tolerance, caring, caring, supporting each other, and working together.
The second point is the parent's love for the child, which is more inclined to "unconditional love", loving the child as he is, rather than his outward manifestations.
Give your child plenty of warm attention and companionship, and help and encouragement when he is wrong and frustrated.
2
Optimistic, positive family
Some people compare life to a game of "upgrading and fighting monsters", because it is always full of difficulties and challenges.
Optimistic, positive people can always carry hope and move forward courageously; while pessimistic and negative people often lose their fighting spirit and courage, give up on themselves, and stagnate.
Obviously, the one who can laugh to the end must be the former.
The movie "When Happiness Knocks" tells the story of Chris Gardner, a salesman with only a high school education, who runs amok in the financial street in order to get out of poverty, and eventually becomes a good stockbroker.
What touches people the most about this movie is the optimism and sense of faith that the protagonist Chris, no matter what kind of adversity he is in, does not give up hope, and through his own efforts and wisdom, he will find a way to change the status quo.
At the same time, as a father, Chris, even if he lives in poverty and needs to live in a relief station, he never cries or complains to his children, and always transmits positive and optimistic energy to his children, telling them to always maintain courage:
"Don't let others tell you that you can't become a talent, if you have a dream, you have to defend it." 」
Although life is very hard and the conditions are very poor, children who grow up in such education are rich in their hearts, because they always have good expectations for tomorrow and will put them into action.
In contrast, in real life, many parents often behave very negatively when they encounter trouble, complaining, complaining, and venting their emotions at will, especially in the face of their children's education problems, excessive worry and pessimism.
For example, often instilled in children: "If you don't study well now, you won't be able to go to a good high school or university, and you won't be able to find a job in the future!" ”
"You can't do this little thing well, what use do you have?"
Negative, negative language and performance will subtly affect the child's way of thinking, easy to be anxious, lose confidence in themselves, and lose hope in life.
Cultivating optimistic, confident and sunny children is inseparable from the influence of the family.
First of all, parents themselves should set a good example for their children, adjust their cognition and mentality, and find ways to solve problems through practical actions, rather than falling into negative emotions and unable to extricate themselves.
When parents have a positive attitude and are good at thinking from a positive perspective when they see things, it is easier to find their children's shining points.
Second, give a positive explanation of things and cultivate a growth mindset in children.
See mistakes and failures as temporary, accidental events, and encourage children to change the status quo through personal efforts.
For example, if your child has poor math scores, you should tell your child:
"It's not that you can't learn math well, it's that you haven't learned well for the time being, as long as you try to work hard, you will always improve."
Because it rains and can't go to the amusement park, when the child is depressed, he can say to him:
"It's disappointing to not be able to go to an amusement park, but we can also be very happy at home, come on, let's play your favorite flying chess together!"
3
Emotionally stable, communicative families
Interpersonal relationship guru John Gottman once pointed out that the ability to perceive and control emotions is even more important than IQ, and these abilities determine a person's achievements and happiness in all areas of society, including the happiness of the family.
The reason why we are paying more and more attention to the cultivation of children's emotional intelligence can be seen.
Emotional intelligence, an emotional intelligence, refers to a child's ability to understand and control their own emotions, understand the emotions of others, and guide their own thinking and actions.
The development of children's emotional intelligence stems from every emotional demonstration of parents and the communication mode between family members.
The latest research published in the Journal of Social and Personal Relations shows:
"Children who live in families where parents argue over the trivialities of daily life are affected even in the face of emotional processing.
They will be overly vigilant and anxious about their emotional handling, and will be more susceptible to distorted interpersonal interactions. ”
If the parents are emotionally stable and the communication pattern between the family members is healthy and peaceful, then the child will learn the correct way of communication, be able to control emotions, and know how to express his feelings and needs in an appropriate way.
And if parents have poor emotional management ability, often quarrel, blame each other, and lose their temper with their children, the child will become sensitive and inferior, and will also copy the parents' wrong emotional processing mode, easy to be emotional, and lose their temper at will, which is not conducive to establishing good interpersonal relationships.
One of the biggest tests for parents in educating children is emotional management. In fact, many things do not need to be lost through tantrums, but also to achieve the purpose of education.
For example, if a child makes a mistake, it is important to teach the child to recognize the mistake, learn how to correct it, and blindly blame the child, which cannot fundamentally solve the problem.
If you want to manage your emotions well, parents can do it from these three steps:
First of all, you need to realize that you are angry, and when a person can perceive his emotions, the reaction mechanism will change and the control will be stronger.
Then press a pause button, give yourself some time to relax, get away from the environment for a while, and communicate with the child later.
Finally, there is reflection, and you can talk to yourself internally: Why am I angry? Is it really because of the kids? Am I asking too much of my children? What better solution than tantrums?
After these three steps, parents can face their children more rationally.
In addition, communication between family members should also pay attention, learn to express their feelings and needs in words, solve problems calmly, do not use emotions as weapons, and hurt each other with the people closest to them.
4
Studious, self-motivated family
I know there is a topic: What habits of your parents have influenced your life?
One netizen replied:
"For more than a decade, my dad insisted on getting up at 6:30 every day, reading and charging. And my mother, as long as she has free time, will also pick up books and read carefully.
Every day after dinner, parents always meet up to play ball in the open space downstairs, or run, and when they come home, they are happy to communicate the benefits of sports.
Years later, I realized that these were the "deliberate" education of my parents.
Once, I couldn't get up in the morning, I was sleepy when I read a book, and I was lazy when I exercised, but when I saw that my parents were still insisting, I suddenly felt that getting up early was not so painful, reading seemed to be not so difficult, and exercise had become a daily habit. ”
There are always many parents who are distressed that their children do not love to learn, do not want to make progress, envy other people's children's excellent grades, learning consciously, do not know, other people's parents have made a lot of efforts.
Studious and self-motivated families will most likely raise a child who pursues knowledge and loves to learn, and this kind of edification is difficult to compare with other forms of education.
In some families, parents themselves do not love to learn, give up self-growth, but blindly require children, forcing children to learn and be excellent, this process can be imagined to be more difficult.
The best way to look at education is for parents and children to grow up together.
While educating their children, parents should not forget to grow up, whether in work or hobbies, constantly improve themselves and set a good example for their children.
Click "Watching", from now on, try to create a family atmosphere conducive to the growth of children!
This article is reproduced in Qian Zhiliang Studio (ID: qzlzgs), written by | Qian Zhiliang, a famous teacher at Beijing Normal University. Focus on special education, family education, early childhood education. He is the author of "Early Knowledge of Admission", "Early Education of Science", "140 Chinese Characters learned in a hurry", etc.