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Wen 丨 Fish Daddy
1
One mother said she once took her child back to her parents' house for a while.
Grandparents saw that their grandchildren could live, and happily closed their mouths every day.
Make food for your 5-year-old grandson every day and play with it every day.
These are all very good, but when eating, the grandmother sees that the child eats slowly and does not eat much, so she picks up the bowl to feed the child.
At this time, she felt inappropriate and told her grandmother, but the old man held up the empty bowl and said, "You see, I fed it, and ate a big bowl, it was not very good!" What a great grandchild. ”
In the face of such a strong argument, I really can't refute it, not to mention that Grandpa is still helping on the side, saying that he eats more, grows strong, you see how thin he is, you have to eat more, anyway, it is okay at Grandpa's house.
Thinking about it, I can only endure it, thinking that I will go back in a few days anyway and let the child correct it.
I only look forward to returning to my small home as soon as possible and regaining my previous habits.
There are also mothers who say that the elderly always take their children to watch TV, and the habits they have developed are broken one by one.
I feel like my previous efforts were in vain.
The worst thing is that every time I talk bitterly, it turns out that I am not right.
Old people say that we raised you like this when we were young, aren't you very good!
Sometimes, because of the child's problems with the elderly quarrel, the child's father is not happy.
Say that the old man has the old man's method, do not rush to interfere with them.
But who can appreciate the intentions of mothers and the suffering they have suffered?
The formation of a good habit takes countless hours to train and cultivate.
Teach yourself, although you are a little tired, I think it is worth it.
However, I am afraid that when you teach your children, your family will stand up and say that you are not right and point fingers at you.
Even if it is a normal thing like dressing and eating, there will be a lot of debate.
You will hear not just one voice, but one person saying it should be done and another person saying no.
In the face of these two voices, two standards, what will children think?
They often choose to walk toward the voice that is more favorable and comfortable for them.
And long-term noise in front of the child's face will reduce the child's trust in the parents.
You are always arguing in front of me, my father wants me to do this, but my mother wants me to do that, who listens to whom, and finally, the child who has lost trust, maybe no one's words will listen.
2
I remember one time, a dad asked a question at my new book launch.
Sometimes in the face of the problem of children, the wife said to do this, but I feel inappropriate, who should I listen to? For example, whether the child wants to learn the piano, I think the child does not like it, there is no need, but the mother said that if you force it, you will like it, and no one will naturally like it.
Such disagreements are encountered by almost every pair of parents.
What to do?
Do you have to make a big fuss about it?
It's really inappropriate to do so, because there is no right or wrong in such an argument, and there is no winning or losing.
Adults must grasp it well, and the best result is to reach an agreement, at least in front of the child.
Before taking a stand, it is necessary to discuss it.
Even if you close the door and make a fight, you must show a unified attitude in front of your child in the end.
Sukhomlinsky, a famous educator in the former Soviet Union, once said: The father's requirements for the child must be consistent with the mother's requirements for him, as long as the child feels that the mother and the father have different views on the concepts of "can", "can't", "should not", etc., then even the most reasonable demands will be violent, coercive, and trampling on his freedom and desires. This will develop the child's willful and unreasonable vices.
For example, there is a little boy over 4 years old who has to be held by his mother every time he goes out.
If you don't hug, don't go.
Dad felt that this was not good, and the boy should be brave and go on his own.
However, the mother felt that the child's request was not excessive, so she agreed every time.
Sometimes I am very tired, and I will finally accept the child's request half pushed and half pushed.
So the child has to go out with his mother every time, not with his father.
At home, he didn't pay any attention to what Dad said, because in the end Mom would always be on his side.
Sometimes I retorted to my dad: "That's not what mom said. ”
"My mother wanted me to do this."
In this way, the father cannot educate the child at all, and feels isolated.
When the child is one or two years old, it is very good for the mother to give the child these intimate care.
It makes your child feel safe.
But when the child is four or five years old, the mother has to reflect.
This is not a "distraction" from dad, but a reminder that it's time for you to let go and let the kids go on their own.
But the mother's protection allowed the child to find this comfortable gap.
The consistency of husband and wife in educational philosophy is very important for educating children.
3
Many moms ask me what good ways to get my family's attitude to be consistent.
I would recommend trying a family meeting.
Say it's a family meeting, but don't think of it as a company meeting.
It's simple, the family sits down and talks together.
The elderly can be invited to participate, so that it is a conference, or a small meeting can be held by a family of three.
Children actually like this format, they feel that they are involved as a family member, they feel respected, they can speak equally, and they will have a sense of responsibility.
When chatting, you can declare in advance, and everyone can say nothing, do not calculate, and do not accuse.
In this way, the problem can be spoken out and then discussed with each other.
This is a method I often use, and I have organized it for relatives at home, so that children can talk about their confusion and troubles, they will tell their parents' usual misunderstandings of themselves, and when parents hear it, they will also realize that something is wrong.
Usually we set new rules for the little fish, usually I will discuss with the fish mother first, and then I will invite the little guy to come over, talk about the problem together, let him say his thoughts, and finally settle down.
For example, watching TV, homework arrangements, bedtime, etc. are discussed with children.
These small and short family meetings should become the norm, so that there will be less authoritarianism, more equality, and the voice of the family will be unified, and the family will be more harmonious and intimate.
4
Of course, in order to reach an agreement, watching a person make a mistake and not pointing it out is also a dereliction of duty to the child.
Because everyone can make mistakes, not to mention those of us who have just become parents, making mistakes is a common thing.
The parents should also be good bell ringers for each other, and can give each other some reminders.
For example, when the emotions are out of control, if you can't stop yourself, then there is one to pull you and remind you, the effect is much better.
At our house, I told my mother fish that if my emotions were out of control, you must remind me, and I would remind you.
Just a few days ago in the online class, the little fish went to the sports part, because it was difficult to move, just sat there and watched.
This made the mother, who had been putting up with it since she woke him up, completely explode.
I heard the roar from above downstairs.
Hurry up to see the situation, first give my mother a wake-up call, saying that it is a little difficult to move.
Was it that I slept too late last night and was in bad spirits.
In this way, it is also a little more relaxed, and then let the little guy go down to play for a while, and then it will be replayed.
Then analyze the problem with the fish mother and find a way.
The final summary is whether our schedule is still according to the schedule of the holiday, but the daily course is already the schedule of the beginning of the school.
Start the next day, go to bed early, get up early, control screen time, and go back to your school schedule.
Over the next few days, things got a lot better.
These are not something that can be achieved by throwing a tantrum.
When we lose our temper with our children, or when we lose our temper with our "teammates," we don't get any benefits.
It will only make each other hate each other and gamble with each other.
When the opinions are different, discuss well and find a compromise solution.
There are no parents born in this world, and there is no so-called perfect mother and perfect father.
It is not in the process of raising children, feeling the stones to cross the river, supporting each other to move forward.
Seeking common ground while reserving differences, supporting each other, and raising them together can we find a way to truly suit and love children.
If parents always say to go east and one to go west, it will only make the child confused.