Envy and Jealousy are very common phenomena in life.
Some people say that a jealous person cannot be sincerely happy about the success of a friend.
It can be seen that jealousy will not only bring inner pain, but also seriously damage our interpersonal relationships, it may not be a disease, but the destructive power can be far more than the disease.
Today, Xiaobian plans to talk to you about jealousy and jealousy from the perspective of relationship.
1
The difference between jealousy and jealousy
"Why is it that ta is not me", I think this is a phrase that people often think of when they are jealous.
Jealousy: In social comparisons, an individual is a mixture of unpleasantness, inferiority, resentment, and hostility that arises when an individual realizes that others have what they are trying to have but lacks.
There is a story that illustrates very well what jealousy is:
God promised to fulfill a wish for the "lucky one", on the premise that this wish would be fulfilled twice in the lucky one's neighbor, and the lucky one, who was not willing to be taken advantage of, finally made his wish to God: Please gouge out one of my eyes.
In simple terms, jealousy is not only "I don't need to get, I just want you to lose", but even "as long as I can make you lose, I will not hesitate to lose more".
This emotion can become particularly strong in some scenarios:
| Similarity. The more similar the person to himself or herself is, the more jealousy people experience (Salovey & Rodin, 1984). | |
| 2 | Self-relevance, the more closely related to and important areas of the individual to the individual, the more intense the jealousy experienced (Salovey & Rodin, 1984). |
| 3 | Sense of injustice. Jealousy is stronger when individuals perceive the advantages of others as unfair (Smith, Parrott, Ozer & Moniz, 1994). |
From a relationship point of view, jealousy generally exists in the comparative relationship between two people, but "why is it that ta is not me" can actually occur between three people.
For example, "Why did he choose ta instead of me".
For example, in intimate relationships such as love or marriage, we are likely to be jealous of the opposite sex around the other half, maybe they are more beautiful and handsome than themselves, maybe they are richer and more status than themselves...
In psychology, people call this "jealousy" that occurs in the "three-dimensional relationship" "jealousy."
Jealousy: A traumatic psychological experience that an individual suffers from in the competition of a triangular relationship, fearing or having lost the "object of love."
Psychologist Kreeger summed up the essential difference between the two very well:
Jealousy exists in triangular relationships, involving the emotion of love and the fear of loss, jealousy involves situations of "possession"; jealousy is contained in both relationships with the goal of taking away or destroying the enviable qualities of others, and jealousy involves situations of "not having".
Research shows that jealousy differs from the emotional experience caused by jealousy (Haslam & Bornstein, 1996):
The emotions associated with jealousy are: shame, frustration, inferiority, longing, and hostility
The emotions associated with jealousy are: betrayal, mistrust, anxiety, and anger
Because of this different emotional experience, jealousy and jealousy also differ in behavior:
Jealousy is relatively hidden in the expression of emotions, that is, individuals generally do not admit and express their jealousy, and may have been sullen and unhappy in their hearts, but on the surface they still show calm and calm.
Behaviorally, jealous people are accustomed to expressing their hostility through indirect means, such as slandering the reputation of the jealous person behind their backs, or rejoicing when the jealous person is down.
Jealousy is more direct in emotional expression, and jealous people will easily express their anger and distrust.
Based on this sense of distrust, in behavior, jealous people are accustomed to "suspicion", such as suspecting whether their other half has cheated.
Jealous of man's ability, fortunate man's loss
So, is there a deeper relationship between the two? Where does our jealousy come from? And what makes people constantly suspicious and unable to extricate themselves in intimate relationships?
The psychological origin of jealousy and jealousy
As mentioned above, jealousy involves "dualistic relationships", and jealousy refers specifically to jealousy in "three-dimensional relationships".
And everyone from the embryo, is already facing a most primitive "binary relationship" - the mother-child relationship.
Thus, our jealousy can actually be traced back to infancy.
Stein (2000) argues that jealousy is an unconscious, destructive negative emotion about oneself and others, in which people destroy good things to prevent others from possessing it.
For babies, such emotions first occur during lactation.
Klein explains:
Babies are nourished by the breasts, so the baby will want to possess it. But the baby will also find that this breast does not belong to him, but to the "mother", and the first jealousy arises.
This is consistent with the jealousy that arises in reality because "something is important to me, but you have something you don't have."
And this jealousy will slowly evolve into jealousy as the baby grows:
As children grow, they will gradually understand that "breast" and "mother" are one and the same. Naturally, the child will naturally change from the original "wish to possess the breast" to "hope to possess the mother".
But just as the "mother" is an obstacle to the possession of the "breast" by the child, there are also many factors that hinder the child from occupying the "mother" in reality.
For example, "brothers and sisters", "their own father", and so on.
Obviously, the child needs to face "three-dimensional or pluralistic relationships", and at this time, the child's jealousy has changed from "something important, you have me or not" to "some important person, you have me or not".
This is primitive jealousy (which is generally related to sex, and will be discussed later).
On the surface, jealousy is concerned with something "something", in fact, in jealousy, people are most concerned about "themselves", and the need behind jealousy is "self-esteem".
Perhaps it is precisely because you always feel that you are not good enough, so you need to constantly compare yourself with others from the "binary relationship" to gain self-esteem.
On the surface, jealousy cares about someone, but in reality, the need behind jealousy is a relationship.
From jealousy to jealousy, it is the child's transition from focusing on himself to focusing on others, which is a normal and good transformation.
However, if in infancy, the relationship between mother and child is not established well, or in childhood, the family relationship is not harmonious, it is possible to leave trauma in the process of individual growth, so that the child's psychological development stays at a certain stage, and continues to express the need for "self-esteem" or "relationship" through "jealousy" and "jealousy" after adulthood.
Studies have shown that with age, people's jealousy and jealousy will gradually decrease, which just shows that if a person grows up, their self-esteem is well developed, and they have mastered the ability to deal with various relationships, then adults will generally rarely be troubled by jealousy and jealousy.
For ordinary people, what is born in comparison may not be jealousy, but envy and worship, and what is born in intimate relationships may not be jealousy, but trust.
Jealousy and sexual psychology
Jealousy involves a "three-dimensional relationship", and the "Oedipus complex" proposed by Freud is often the earliest "three-dimensional relationship" faced by the child, and it is also the most typical jealousy:
During the 3-6 years of age, children will show that they like their opposite-sex parents and reject same-sex parents. Because in the child's fantasy, same-sex parents take away the opposite-sex parents who should be with them, thus destroying their intimate relationship with the parents of the opposite sex.
Freud believed that this was also an expression of children's sexual consciousness.
For children, parents are the closest people in their lives, and it is a natural and unique process for children to put their sexual feelings on their parents of the opposite sex, so the child's competition for same-sex parents is also very natural.
At this time, children's jealousy of same-sex parents becomes an expression of their sexual psychological activity.
If such sexual and psychological activities are not expressed normally, but are deeply suppressed, they become problems.
For example, Freud believed that jealousy could be divided into 3 levels: (1) competitive or general jealousy; (2) projective jealousy; and (3) delusional jealousy.
General jealousy is actually a traumatic emotion of being "abandoned by others" in competition, which also constitutes hostility toward competitors.
This jealousy, which originates from objective reality, is very normal, and Freud believed that it is not a pathology, that the jealous person can self-regulate, alleviate jealousy, re-enjoy achievement and experience pleasure, and restore the ability to work and love.
And both "projective jealousy" and "delusional jealousy" are morbid jealousy:
The most typical manifestation of projective jealousy is that when a person fantasizes about having a meeting with a beautiful/handsome opposite sex, he or she almost immediately thinks that his spouse must have this idea and has already done so.
It can be seen that this jealousy, which comes from fantasy, often destroys the trust between the two parties in the intimate relationship.
According to Freud, this is actually the individual projecting his "actual infidelity," or "repressed infidelity impulse," onto his or her other half, thereby relieving the guilt in his heart.
Paranoid jealousy, on the other hand, is considered one of the manifestations of "paranoia," a "defense mechanism against same-sex attraction," i.e., "I don't love him, but she loves him."
For example, a gentleman does not think that a man can attract himself, but he will think that if the man attracts someone like his wife, then the wife may or must have had a relationship with the man.
Obviously, this is also due to the impulse of one's own infidelity, but compared to "projective jealousy", the object of this infidelity has changed from the opposite sex to the same sex.
In general, jealousy or jealousy is a very common and inevitable "emotion", and we do not have to suppress it, let alone feel "shame" and "distress".
If they appear in our lives often, it may mean that we need to grow up on ourselves; if the children show strong jealousy and jealousy, then it may mean that their growth is at a critical stage and needs more companionship and understanding from their parents.
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