Literature/learning is the treasure of the body
Teacher Wu Zhihong, a well-known psychologist, said: "The fundamental driving force of everyone's life is to become themselves. ”
He gives us three pieces of advice to overcome some obstacles on the road to "being yourself":
First, stay away from personality masks;
Second, stay away from "should" thinking;
Third, no longer cater to the expectations of others.
Some people may think that it is too difficult to do these three points, or some people think that these suggestions are too abstract and not concrete, and it would be nice to give a real-life and reference example.
I think her experience should be appropriate.
This person is Zhao Han (Caroline Han Hanjie), graduated from the University of Melbourne with a master's degree in international studies, worked for Phoenix TV, an executive of the Asia-Pacific Top 500, and is also the author of the book "Han Xie: Fearless Truth".
Seeing this, some people may think that her experience is so rich and her resume is so excellent, how can we have reference and reference significance for the general public.
In fact, this is not the case, because she was once a partial "scum", she also gave up on herself because of her body anxiety, she was bullied in school, and she was depressed and lost hope because she just graduated from society and faced workplace battles... Her past is no different from our current one.
The book "Han Xie: Fearless Truth" is based on the word "Han" as the main line, combined with a large number of real and vivid cases and profound understanding, presenting a real, intellectual, and exquisite Han Hanjie, systematically telling her personal improvement and growth path as a female emotional knowledge master, as well as the perseverance, hard work, bravery, truth and sincerity behind it.
In today's article, I will combine teacher Wu's suggestions to introduce the process of Han Hanjie's "becoming herself".
1. Take off the personality mask and learn to pamper yourself
Personality masks, derived from Latin, originally meant to refer to the masks worn by actors in the play, and their meaning developed into characters who played a certain role in the play in the late Roman era.
The Swiss psychologist Jung extended this meaning to indicate the role a person plays in society. He divided the personality structure into three levels: consciousness, individual unconsciousness and collective unconscious, the content of the collective unconscious is mainly the archetype, the personality mask is one of the archetypes, it is expressed in the outermost layer of the personality, when the individual is dominated by it, the real personality and self are hidden inside.
Jung believed that the personality mask was the basis of social needs and public life, but the personality mask could only show a very small part of the personality, and even completely inconsistent with the real personality, so that excessive enthusiasm and indulgence in a certain role played would often pay a considerable price for it, making the development of personality unbalanced.
Simply put, if we want to live our true selves, we must dare to take off the mask of personality.
Zhao Han tells in the book that although she spent a very interesting childhood in the neighborhood, the life of nowhere to be placed and under the fence made her develop a highly sensitive and flattering personality, which became her personality mask.
Because of professional reasons, her parents often leave home, the elderly on both sides can not help, her mother had to send her to the uncles and aunts in the compound, grandparents to help take care of her, and then will instruct her, when you go to other people's homes, you must remember to work more, talk less, and no matter what you love to eat, you can't eat greedily.
Therefore, for a long time, in her subconscious, the feelings of others are always the first, and she will always maintain a high degree of sensitivity, perceive the emotional changes of the other party, respond accordingly in a timely and moderate manner, and mobilize her own empathy.
For her, these are both painful and happy.
Pain is because it is too sensitive to "hurt others and hurt herself", and happiness is because this sensitive talent makes it easier for her to see the deeper meaning and logic behind things in content creation.
In fact, this also shows that there is no good or bad personality, mainly how we look at it.
However, due to her flattering and sensitive personality, she was bullied in school. In the nearly three years of boarding life, she was often excluded because she was fat and a shift leader, and toiletries were often stuffed in the quilt and thrown into the trash can; halfway through the night, someone would pour water into her mouth, and so on.
Until one day, it was as if a voice in her body told her: I don't lose my temper, it doesn't mean I'm not angry; I don't think out loud, and it doesn't mean that I'm a bully. If the exchange for putting up with it again and again is always to intensify, I will fight back with action, I will never be weak, "smiling face is more, habitual out of the disease."
Subsequently, she locked in the few people who often bullied her and treated them the way they were.
Although this practice was a bit irrational for her at that time, it also showed that even the weakest teenagers had invisible tenacity, and even the most well-behaved girls also had the fortitude hidden in their hearts.
And that's the beginning of her learning to pamper herself—to dare to live authentically and to accept her own character.
2. Stay away from "should" thinking and arm yourself
There is an ABC theory in psychology, which was proposed by the American psychologist Albert Ellis, and the scientific name is rational emotion therapy.
Specifically, people's emotional and behavioral disorders are not directly caused by an activating event, but by the beliefs caused by the incorrect cognition and evaluation of the individual who experienced the event, and finally the emotional and behavioral consequences in a specific situation.
That is to say, it is precisely because of some irrational beliefs that we often have that we are emotionally troubled.
These unreasonable beliefs mainly include:
The requirement of absolutization refers to the belief that something must or will not happen, based on their own will, which is usually associated with words such as "must" and "should";
Overgeneralization is a manifestation of an irrational way of thinking that is partial and comprehensive, and generalizes to ten;
Bad is the idea that if something bad happens, it will be very terrible, very bad, even a disaster.
Teacher Wu believes that the more "should", the smaller a person's spiritual freedom will be.
Zhao Han has also fallen into depression and anxiety because his body "should" be healthy.
She suffers from familial hyperlipidemia and congenital tooth tumors, and from the age of 10 to the present, she often "shows her teeth" in major dental clinics. Since the age of 12, the first tooth extraction has led to meshing disorder syndrome, the tooth bone gradually disappeared, the operation of implanting tooth bone powder has not been broken, and her atlantoaxial subluxation will occur frequently, making her almost become a "wasted person", sometimes when the disease is serious, she can not bow her head, had to stand and work, love to do sports she also has to give up fitness.
One night, without warning, she had an unproven attack that made her unable to get out of bed and had to use diapers to keep wet, and that year, she was not yet 30 years old. "For me, nothing makes me feel worse than the loss of grace and dignity," she said. ”
She struggles, struggles, complains, and even feels that people all over the world are happier than herself because they can live as normal people.
But she did not sink into this, but warned herself that the pain and suffering made her understand the taste of growth in pain, and the most important growth was to enhance her cognition.
She feels that seeing a doctor needs to be recognized, she no longer drills the tip of the horn, does not think about "healing", no longer compares the original health of herself, so she lowers the expectations of "should" and "must" to heal, thinking that on the basis of treatment, positive development is a good thing, so that her inner resentment and dissatisfaction will gradually decrease, otherwise there will always be grievances in her heart.
In fact, this is also the process of accepting yourself, recognizing yourself, reducing internal friction, and finally becoming yourself. 3. Don't cater to others and live your true self
Psychologist Rogers says that many people try to form themselves by pleasing others, but if they are free, they will stay away from this way.
In fact, what Rogers wants to express is that people who truly "become themselves" don't want to be what they "should" be, whether those rules are made by parents or culture, they don't want to mold themselves into a form that is purely to please others.
For Zhao Han, although she has been very well-behaved since she was a child, she has soberly known after she has become an adult, especially after entering the workplace, not to always put the expectations of others in the first place.
The desire to be recognized by others is a human need, but if you care too much and try to cater to others, you will lose yourself.
She talked about an incident a year after she entered the workforce, that is, completing a doctoral dissertation for her boss's family, that is, academic fraud.
She refused on the spot, although she was hardly assigned to travel that year, even if she performed well, and did not receive any awards at the end of the year, she said: "After this incident, it seems that I am getting farther and farther away from the success of the field, but in the long run, this will definitely bring me one step closer to my own success." ”
Because she dares to live her true self, does not bow to authority, does not pander to leadership.
If you want to live originally, you must expand your life according to your own will, whether you succeed or fail, you can constantly experience the contact between your life and other beings.
Of course, it's a matter of choice.
As Teacher Wu Zhihong said, "The meaning of life lies in choice." In the vast universe, in the long river of time, in the course of evolution, your choices, as small as dust, have infinite meaning at least for you as an individual. ”
Because choices determine who we are.
Now, 38-year-old Zhao Han, from 10 fans to more than 6 million Douyin fans of knowledge sharing, is also the result of her choice, rather than doing sales, she is in line with the two words of sincerity, walking on the road to reach people's hearts.
And sincerity is truth. Only by being real can she create grounded works and truly influence people in real life.
Write at the end:
The Jewish philosopher Martin Buber once said:
"You have to start on your own. If you do not live deeply with positive love yourself, if you do not reveal the meaning of survival to yourself in your own way, then survival will still be meaningless to you. ”
Yes, everyone spends their whole life trying to get rid of the expectations of others and find their true selves.
Although the book "Understanding: Fearless Truth" is dedicated to encouraging women to grow and live out their own lives, it is also suitable for men, because everyone has to grow.
In addition, Zhao Han also talked about how to deal with the relationship with her parents, how to deal with the relationship between her partner, and the relationship between colleagues in the workplace, etc., which showed that she dared to live herself and was fearless.
In fact, fearlessness and truthfulness is to warn the ordinary and ordinary us that the real self is good enough and worthy of being loved, and this book is to make us better become ourselves.
End of this article
Thank you for reading.