How in the end does a woman not lose herself and finally live a chicken feather?

Many women have been living in the eyes of others since birth:

When he was young, he was ostracized by his classmates because he was not as good looking as other girls and was named an ugly girl;

Adolescence, because he fell in love with a boy wholeheartedly and lost himself, abandoned his life and studies until he was dumped hysterically distressed with his ex, and his life fell into despair;

After growing up, because of obedience, he chose a major he did not like, gave up the distant place he longed for, obeyed the arrangements and requirements of his family, chose a "similar person" to marry, and found a "similar job";

After starting a family, because of the need to run the family to take care of the children, people look back in middle age and find that in addition to becoming a yellow-faced woman, they are actually facing the dislike of the in-laws and husbands, the fatigue of bringing children and a job that they do not like.

How can a woman live without losing herself and finally live a chicken feather?

"Each of us is not the center of the world, we are only the center of self-knowledge."

Perhaps we can find some relief from the autobiographical book of this "big sister of Internet celebrities" Han Hanjie, "Han Xie: Fearless Truth".

Let's follow this little chubby girl who grew up eating a hundred meals when she was a child, and together with some of the inspiration she got from school bullying, illness, exotic romances, and workplace twists and turns to find the answer to this question of women.

01 We are born ordinary, starting with accepting our own ordinariness

Accepting the ordinary is the first lesson in this practice of life.

What if we can't get the success we want to be, no matter how hard we try in this life? Accept the ordinary and give us the freedom of our hearts. Only in this way can we get great nourishment in this fertile field and finally achieve our own success.

In this world, there are three kinds of people who are eaten by God: people who have been born in rich and powerful families since childhood; people who are very intelligent from birth; and people who are very beautiful or in particularly good health from birth.

Sister Han Han happened to be a person who was not very appreciative of the light when she was young. In addition to being bullied by the school as a small fat man, what touched me the most was that the author's health has not been very good.

The author says in the book that she often jokes with friends that her body is like a broken bicycle, ringing everywhere except the bell.

Only by living to die can people realize what is most important to themselves, and they can also learn to cherish ordinary life in an instant. After all, for the author, as a person with frequent atlantoaxial dislocations- a person who can't get out of bed for half a month, can't keep his head down, can't keep his head at all times, and can only pick up things that fall on the ground with his feet, it may be a very happy moment to look down at the flowers and plants on the side of the road.

When many people are young, they have not had a serious illness. So we always see a lot of other desires —wanting to be better looking, wanting to be richer, wanting to have unconditional love that makes us more comfortable.

However, only by truly accepting our ordinary life settings can we walk more freely on the road of life. After all, for people who regain their health, that painful physical memory can make them more deeply aware: if you can live a healthy and healthy life, even if you do nothing for a lifetime, I am willing.

02 Have the courage to be hated

People who are bullied in childhood are often not confident enough, and if they are not careful, they are easy to grow into a flattering personality.

It is difficult for each flattering personality to break the wrong thinking mode when they are young: for example, they are always worried that they will do wrong and be hated, and they can't let go of the obsession of "making sure to let others like themselves", and as a result, the person who is liked by others covers the real self, and the stranger it is, the more strange it is, and the people who attract them are also painful to themselves all the time.

But our fears are often imagined, not real. As the author mentions in the book, each of us needs to have the courage to be hated.

It's not that we're bound to live to be annoying people.

But because adults are very busy, no one has too much time and energy to pay attention to the embarrassment and grievances of others, so we don't need to worry about our own imperfections, and others are far less concerned about our shortcomings than we think.

Women love to dress up, they like to buy clothes, we can wear different clothes 30 days a month, but if we don't deliberately record, how many of us can remember what we wore on day 15? In fact, even we don't pay as much attention to ourselves as we think.

Everyone has their own unique values, and if you give up your personality and value to create a person that others like, it means that the people and lives you face in the future are not what your heart really wants.

Living is not to be a better person, but to be a better version of yourself. So, stay away from people who don't like who they really are, they shouldn't be in our lives in the first place.

03 Be nice to yourself and be nice to others

Our lives must face three major tasks: engaging in a profession or job that is useful to society, building fruitful relationships, and fulfilling one's role in love and marriage.

And these three major tasks have been mentioned in "Understanding: Beyond Expectations", if you must summarize a fortunate and effective way is to be good to yourself, but also to others.

First, be grateful for your work and take others seriously when you work

In the workplace, we can hate a lot of people, and we can like a lot of people. Working with people you like is not called a skill; but being able to treat someone you are not used to rationally and work with him is a skill.

A person's strength is weak, and if you want to achieve something, it must be the credit of a team. In this team, everyone's division of labor is different, and everyone occupies a certain position and has their own strengths and reasons. If a position requires people to have the courage to be strong, and a position needs to be careful and cautious, then these two people will definitely not be compatible. But it is each person's unique characteristics that make a team run efficiently.

And our achievements are built on our team on this platform. If we play our part in this platform, we should be more grateful to our platform and team. As Han Hanjie said in the book: "Don't take luck as talent, and don't take the platform as a skill." ”

Second, enter the WTO and be a man, and be born to do things

If you want to establish good interpersonal relationships, Han Hanjie provides many effective methods in the book:

(1) Learn to empathize: Try more open chat in interacting with people, and use less evaluative chat. In interpersonal relationships, do not chatter or final chat, this kind of communication full of self-complaining or critical evaluation, is the lack of empathy from others to identify themselves, from themselves to identify people's empathy, so that chat is easy to make themselves have no friends.

(2) Avoid labeling: Everyone has the habit of labeling others more or less, most of the purpose of which is to save their own cognitive time, to put it bluntly, lazy, and want to enhance their sense of superiority, through negative labels to imply "I am right, he is wrong." This kind of labeling shows not only our own lack of self-confidence, but also shows our lack of patience for connecting with each other, which will affect our interpersonal relationships over time.

(3) Shallow and not deep: This sentence will often be mentioned by many people after middle age, although this is a bit one-sided, but the adult world is full of "unsatisfactory things are often eight or nine, but they can be the same as people's words". If you don't want to let everyone know your unbearable side, then hold your heart that wants to talk to it, and prevent your weaknesses and hidden pains from being blown by the wind and spread throughout all the interpersonal forests.

(4) Be full of kindness to the world: Our lives are very bitter, and it is precisely because of suffering that we can understand the good and evil in human nature. Although our good intentions are not to be good old people, nor are we to let others gain inches. But as the book says: life is not easy, individuals have different requests, and their respective positions are different. Stop practicing yourself in the hearts of others, and stop demanding from others in your own hearts.

Third, in intimate relationships, learn to "turn a blind eye"

There are three things in life that must not be held up: marriage, drinking, and spending money. But there are too many women who are strong in marriage, and the reason is that there is no other reason, because once too many women enter marriage, her vision is all stuck in marriage and family.

There is an old saying that goes: when the water is clear, there is no fish, and when people are aware, there is no vain. A book of hundreds of thousands of words can be checked out by people with a few typos, not to mention only a few people in decades of marriage?

Marriage is a choice, to support two people a good intimate relationship in addition to the need for two people to have a strong sense of responsibility, but also need two people in this relationship to be able to continue to see the light, in the hope of continuous progress.

But in the process of progress, in fact, the eyes still have to focus on themselves. Less temptation and less testing in marriage. Choose people with your eyes open and get along with your eyes closed.

In the process, slowly approach reality. Only reality can make people grow and mature.

In Han Hanjie's "Han Xie: Fearless Truth", I saw a woman who experienced quite twists and turns, and her love that has not been confused has continuously climbed to the top of life, found herself in the ups and downs of life, lived herself, and let her faint light shine on more people.