Recently, in the popular drama "Xiao Minjia", Xu Zheng's strong desire to control Xiao Jie has aroused heated discussion among netizens.
Xu Zheng did not allow Xiao Jie to have contact with any of the opposite sex, even Xiao Jie's nephew.
In the face of the situation that Xiao Jie's promotion may be in contact with the opposite sex, Xu Zheng directly said:
"Work is more important than me?!"
"I told you long ago to keep your distance from men!"
"You know what? Why would someone as good as me, look for you a divorced woman because I love you. ”
"I'll work with you, you choose one."
……
In this regard, many netizens commented: "Xiao Jie, hurry up and get a divorce, this is not a hegemonic love, you are subtly controlled without knowing it." ”
The desire to control is a psychological term.
A person with a strong desire for control will want an absolute domination over something, a certain person, to a certain extent, not allowing things to happen unexpectedly, not allowing him to have any violation of himself in thought and behavior, and wanting to possess absolutely.
And this desire for control seems to exist in any relationship of two people.
01 Ubiquitous "Control"
Intimate relationships between
Like Xu Zheng's control over Xiao Jie in "Xiao Min's Family", Xiao Jie is not allowed to show his arm's clothes in the summer, and his nephew should avoid suspicion, nor can he interact with any of the opposite sex. Even if Xiao Jie is a Dink, Xu Zheng will ask ta to have one in the name of love.
The philosopher Fromm, in his book Possession and Existence, mentions:
Love has two meanings, one is the love of re-existence, and the other is the love of heavy possession.
Possessive love will limit, bind and control you, suffocate you, numb you. What's more, love is not an object and cannot be possessed at will.
The famous psychologist Sternberg also proposed the triad of love: intimacy, passion and commitment. The larger these three ingredients, the richer the love.
And if in an intimate relationship, one party is overly controlled, which will make the other party afraid and avoid, then the original intimacy and passion of love will slowly disappear.
Between parents and children
In the Taiwanese drama "Your Child Is Not Your Child", Xiao Wei lives with his divorced mother.
The only requirement that her mother has for Xiao Wei is to be obedient and to study hard to enter the university.
If Xiao Wei accidentally fails the test, he will be questioned by his mother:
"Mom is all for your own good, how can you not think about it?"
"Mom paid you to go to a private school, why don't you get angry?" Why don't you think a little more about your mom? ”
Especially after the mother gets a remote control that can reverse the time,
Xiao Wei can only follow his mother's ideas, if it is inconsistent with his mother's ideas, Xiao Wei will be brought back by the remote control and re-experienced until he follows his mother's "correct" ideas.
Under the control of his mother in the name of "love", Xiao Wei has a successful career as his mother wishes, and also accepts the blind date arranged by his mother.
It wasn't until Xiao Wei tried his best to get the remote control in his mother's hand that he dared to yell at his mother: "The remote control is not yours, it is mine." ”
Although this story is a science fiction setting, the control in the name of love is like an invisible tight curse, invisible, but it gives a shackle that cannot be opened to the mind and body.
Psychologist Evans once said: Children are originally self-aware, and it is obviously very painful when they fall, but if parents always deny them, then they will not be able to recognize themselves.
Between colleagues
Linda: "I said that this project was very suitable for me, and let me let it go, but in fact, everything under my subordinates had to intervene." ”
Miss Tang: "When I find that there is a problem with my colleague's data, he will say very strongly that he can't be wrong; and every time he makes a table, he must follow his requirements, otherwise he will have to change it again." ”
In fact, the controlling and controlled sides are actually a kind of power projection identity.
The controller will project to the controlled person the emotion of "you can't live without me", and the controlled person will show impotence in this feeling and can only be forced to accept it.
So how do you judge if you're being controlled?
02 Three signals released by the controller
Make the controlled person feel guilty
Psychology Hoffman's research suggests that an individual's sense of guilt, once it arises, takes on the motivating force of compensatory behavior. Feelings of guilt are often aroused with behavioral tendencies to help the victim.
So the controller will start with guilt, let the controlled person feel guilty for his actions, and will be more willing to do what he thinks.
Impose your own insecurities on the controlled
Maslow's hierarchy of needs theory mentions that the basic needs of human beings are, in order: physiological needs, security needs, belonging and love needs, respect and cognitive needs, and self-actualization.
Among them, the need for security refers to the sense of security, and once the sense of security of people is missing, it may produce mental illness.
Psychologist Srigman has said that depression is a loss of security caused by negative events.
So the controlled person often hears things like ,"I'm sorry, I don't want to do this, I'm just afraid you'll leave me".
The controller imposes his or her own insecurity on the controlled, allowing the controlled to enter his own negative emotions.
Cause the controlled to have self-doubt
The controller will constantly point out weaknesses that the controlled person "exists," even if they are not weaknesses.
It will make the controlled person rely on himself, and tell the controlled person that he can help him do better.
Step by step, distort the controlled person's thoughts, so that the controlled person doubts himself.
Psychologist George Dade once mentioned in "Self Boundary": Self boundary, that is, let your business belong to you, my business to me. The boundaries of the self are invisible, but they are real.
Many of life's problems and contradictions are caused by unclear boundaries.
In a relationship, many people are "taken away", unable to stick to themselves in the face of pressure, and even self-doubt.
Maybe you also thought about escaping, but found yourself sinking deeper and deeper in the controlled swamp,
Maybe he once firmed himself, but the denial of his own gradually lost,
Try to ask for help, friends, family, and Herod will be your "allies."
Psychologist Freud once said: When you recall the events experienced and the accompanying emotions clearly, and describe it in as much detail as possible, and express the emotion in words, those hysterical symptoms may disappear.
Talking can soothe and heal people's hearts and emotions, and let @Herod Psychology accompany you to "sweep away" all bad emotions.
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