In ordinary life, you can guide your children in this way.
To sum it up in one sentence: "Express first, discuss well, and learn to adjust your temper."
This is not only a matter of emotional management, but also another signal is released behind it - many children are afraid to express, will not negotiate, and can only rely on tantrums.
When we ask our children to "express, discuss, and adjust their temper first", are we doing a good enough job? What kind of parents are standing behind those "expressive and negotiable" children?
It is true that children of one or two years old cannot express themselves, and they are not yet able to describe their needs clearly. But by kindergarten, most of the children have normal expression skills. You can tell your teacher or parents what you need, and you can describe what happened.
But there are many children, when they encounter something, they just don't say it, don't consult with people, and then they get angry.
What should I do?
With countermeasures, I still don't know how to use them.
Then it is necessary to see if the child does not dare to express it to you and will not discuss it.
This situation often occurs in families where parents are in charge and firmly control their children.
The most typical feature is: "Don't say it, just listen to me." ”
"Do as I say, there is no need to discuss!"
A mother said that she was usually willing to discuss with her children.
But once the time is tight, I have no patience to reason with the child, so I think of urging my son to hurry up, listen to me, and hurry up.
Sometimes he still wants to do his own thing, or read a book, or play with toys.
But he felt that he was deliberately procrastinating, affecting sleep and writing homework.
They'll say, "Hurry up!" Hurry up and go!"
It feels like the tone is telling the child that there is no room for negotiation.
Fortunately, she is still willing to consult with her children in many places and let him have the opportunity to make his own decisions.
So it's not like a package parent.
Indeed, these places that we usually do not pay attention to will cause a stress and psychological reaction to the child.
On any given day, when it is necessary to discuss or express it with his parents, the child will hesitate in his heart: "Can I discuss with my parents?" They're not just listening to their arrangements. ”
But they don't want to do what you say.
There was no way to discuss, only tears could be shed, and my heart was anxious and angry.
See that.
There are also parents who do not reflect and accuse, saying that children do not understand things.
But actually.
It is that you do not understand the child, and do not let the child have the opportunity and channel to express and discuss.
I think it's very scary.
When a child is young, he may be able to follow the instructions of his parents and appear to be obedient and obedient.
But once they leave their parents' eyes, they are likely to change.
The more strictly you manage those things, the more he wants to do them.
Therefore, it is really necessary for children to be able to "express first, discuss well, and learn to adjust their temper."
Parents themselves must first be able to hear the child's words and be willing to consult with the child.
Then tell the child how to recognize the emotions and then control the emotions.
In the process of raising children, I try to remind myself.
Hear more from your child and see what he thinks inside.
If they cry, there must be a reason.
Don't hastily label your child as crying and then leave it alone.
The other is to discuss with children more.
For example, the arrangement of learning can be discussed with the child.
Listen to their own ideas, perhaps arranged more rationally and effectively.
There are also children who sometimes want something.
You can also negotiate, and don't turn it down all at once.
One thing touched me a lot the other day.
When my son and I went to the store at the door to buy something, we stood motionless outside the glass window.
I knew he wanted to buy toys.
But he didn't tell me.
I was a little depressed because I had been encouraging him to talk to me about the needs and we could discuss them.
He should think that he has enough blocks in his house, and I will not buy them.
Anyway, the way home was not happy, shrugging his head.
I criticized him on the way back.
Say what you want to tell me, don't look like this.
I cried in a hurry.
After returning home, I still patiently went to him again to communicate.
"What are you trying to do when you stand outside that cupboard?"
"I'm looking at that brick!"
"There are too many blocks in our house, taking up too much space, isn't it?" (I guess that's why he didn't consult with me, because I say it so often.) ）
Then he didn't speak.
"But you can tell Dad that we can discuss it." It's better than being bored in your heart, isn't it. ”
"I want to buy that dinosaur brick!"
"Yes! You haven't gone out this summer, you can buy one, how much do you think it will cost? ”
"I don't know, I guess it's going to be dozens!"
"You can buy it with your own pocket money and arrange it yourself, can you?"
He nodded.
In the afternoon, I took 50 yuan out of the piggy bank and went out to buy it against the big sun.
When I came back, I took a small box of bricks and spent a few bucks.
But he was overjoyed.
The happiness of children is actually as simple as that.
A few bucks of bricks, an ice cream, and you'll be happy all day.
But we always refuse to discuss with our children for some reasons, and strongly reject our children.
Does this really need to be done?
Can parents maintain this attitude of being willing to listen and discuss?
It often determines the way the child expresses his emotions.
Finally, in the subtle, it affects the formation of children's personality.
Parents are willing to listen, children will speak.
Parents can discuss, children dare to consult with you.
Otherwise you put out that unquestionable attitude and press it, what else is there to discuss.
Therefore, behind those children who "can express and discuss", there are often parents who "can communicate and discuss".
-END-
Source: Raising Boys
Producer: Wuhan Women's Federation
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