Wang Lihong and Li Lianglei's mutual tearing melon gradually lost its heat, but through Li Lianglei's "accusation essay", a psychological term called "gaslighting" was completely out of the circle.
I studied for a day, I thought it was to eat melon by the way to increase knowledge, but I did not expect that the more I looked at it, the more afraid I became:
The right and wrong of the entertainment industry is far away from us, but the "gaslight effect" is very close to us!
What is the "gas lamp effect"
The word comes from an old 1944 film Under the Gaslight.
A man covets a woman's wealth, pursues it feverishly and then successfully flashes marriage, but he wants more - the man intends to drive the woman crazy and then kill her, so that he can completely take the property for himself, but how can a good person be crazy?
He first used rhetoric to coax the woman back to the old house, because her aunt had been murdered here, and the "tragic death of a relative" became a shadow that always hovered in the woman's heart, which was a preparation for a man to destroy her spiritual world.
Men often go out in the evening, and quietly climb back to the attic of the old house to look for jewelry through the night. At that time, the gas lamps in the old house shared the pipes, and when the attic lights were turned on, the downstairs lighting would be affected. But what does this kind look like to an unknown woman?
The gas lamps flicker on and off every night, and the footsteps from the locked attic all day long are creepy...
The woman lost seven spirits and asked the man who returned home for help, but the man said: "You have been in bad spirits recently and have hallucinations." ”
He also deliberately gave the woman some jewelry, emphasizing that "you have a bad memory, be careful to collect it", and then secretly hide it, in order to logically say: "You see, you just don't have a good brain." ”
The man also privately instructed the servants: "The wife is not in good health, you should not disturb her, and try not to let her go out." ”
The servants lamented the gentleness and thoughtfulness of the man and praised him for his thoughtfulness. The woman could not return to God in extreme fear, and all the questions pointed to herself, "Is it an illusion", "He must be right", "I seem to be in really bad spirits lately"...
The gas lamp is bright and dark, but it can clearly illuminate the greed and control in human nature.
Seeing this, you may have a general impression of the "gas lamp effect", don't worry, let's look at another case. In the recent film and television drama "Who is the Murderer" starring Zhao Liying, there is a wife who has a similar experience.
After marriage, she became a full-time wife, and once she disagreed with her husband, she would be rejected, ridiculed, and belittled. In the long run, the wife is hypnotized by the judgment of her husband and begins to doubt and deny herself.
Husbands will also let the mobile phone vibrate when they mentally abuse their wives, and over time, the wife will be "trained" to be trembling and headaches when she hears the vibration of the mobile phone - want to "punish" her? Just make a phone call.
Until the end, the wife was deprived of even the right to visit her son, and she was so angry that she stabbed her husband to death with scissors in her hand, and after turning herself in to the police station, she still chanted:
"I didn't do the housework well, I was afraid he would say I."
"I'm not a good wife, nor am I a good mother."
"I'm sick, I smell good, and they say I'm mentally unhealthy."
"My husband is very good to me, he is very good to me!"
Neighbors said that the man of this family is an executive in a foreign company, who is decent and enthusiastic, while the hostess is delirious and confused, "usually sick, and people are hiding away."
Image source: Weibo @ web drama who is the murderer
Denying what a woman sees and feels, making her not believe in herself, and at the same time isolating external contact and unable to communicate with outsiders, this is the "gas lamp effect".
A means of psychological manipulation, also known as gas lamp tango, gas lamp manipulation, refers to the emotional abuse and manipulation imposed on the victim, so that the victim gradually loses self-esteem, doubts his memory, perception or sanity, and cannot escape.
The reason why these "gaslight effects" in film and television dramas are easy to find is because they have caused very bad consequences: madness, stupidity, and even killing, but what we live in is often rationalized and extremely difficult to detect.
The "gaslight effect" is also around us
Douban goose group two days ago there was a post on Weibo hot search, "my dad always complained that my mother has mental illness", the poster @ Yaren uncle fan sister said:
"Every time my mom lost her temper at home, my dad would say, 'Ignore your mom, she has a neurosis.'" ”
"Later I became sure that I had a prejudice against my mother and felt that she was always hysterical."
"But then I think about it all seems to be a normal temper, like my dad came home drunk, like I didn't study well, like I made a mess at home." My mom loses her temper. But before I thought it was a form of mental illness. ”
"In my subconscious, I am estranged from my mother, part of my mother always nagging me, and part of it may be this psychological cue." 」
The comments section resonated with countless people.
Later, @Yaren's uncle and mother went to the mall, saw other people's children crying and looking for their mothers, and the child's father said: "Don't pay attention to your mother, she has a neuropathy." Hearing such a familiar sentence, she also smiled and said to her mother: "Why do you all have neuropathy when you are mothers?" ”
Yeah, how can it be that all of us moms have neuropathies!
However, husbands are accustomed to eating the gender dividend, giving their wives and children this hint over the years, attacking her from the spiritual level, denying her, and isolating her. The more people say it, the more mothers may really be "neurotic".
Similarly, "your mother is in menopause", "Don't reason with women", "Women can't drive"... There is always a phrase you have heard.
Image source: Weibo @ Zhuangyuan
Beauvoir said in The Second Sex 73 years ago, "Women are not born, but acquired." ”
What is even more frightening is that this is often the result of the use of the "gas lamp effect" by the whole society against women.
"Any physical, psychological, or economic destiny cannot define the image of a woman in internal society, but is the product of this intermediary designed by the whole civilization between the male and the castrated, known as the female."
How to say no to the "gas lamp effect"
What effect does the "gaslight effect" between couples affect children?
The 18-year-old son in "Who's the Murderer", when he learned that his mother had killed his father, rushed into the police station and shouted, "I will kill her now!" ”
He is estranged from his mother, only worships his father, feels that he takes care of the family, has a sense of responsibility, and knows that his career is successful, but he still does not abandon his wife who is "useless".
When chatting with the police, he also vaguely revealed his contempt and dislike for his "neurotic" mother, "Everyone knows that my mother is mentally ill, only my father protects her!" ”
He is not yet familiar with the world, and he can't see clearly that the image of his mother in his heart is actually the way his father dressed up (smeared): "When I remember, my father told me that she was sick, and let me stay away from her, so that I was afraid when I saw her." ”
Although he always felt that his mother was mentally abnormal, in fact, he did not want to believe that she was his father's murderer. Have you been a "murderer's child" ever since? Mom and Dad are "sick", will the son still be normal?
The boy sat in the darkened corridor, filled with fear of the door that was supposed to symbolize "warmth" – and this was the biggest harm the "gaslight effect" did to the child.
The horror of the future is infinitely magnified, and even a sense of distrust of his past, and even begin to doubt himself, because once he agrees with the denigration of one parent to the other, it means that the child's own origin is also full of questions - TA is brought into this world by parents together!
Reject the "gas lamp effect", no matter whether you give or receive, even if you really meet someone who is not ladylike, children should not be victims of our anger and resentment.
Marriage is on the rocks, we can ask friends, peers, counselors and other more mature and rational people for help, rather than complaining to the child who is still ignorant, in the construction of the spiritual world, he needs a relatively positive image of parents.
What's more, no matter what stage a relationship is at, always put respect for your own feelings first. If it's painful and uncomfortable, leave, even if it's not the relationship, you can leave the current room, the current conversation.
The heavens and the earth are big, and we feel the most!
Hopefully, in 2022 we can all stay away from the "gas lamp" and have the courage to be our own light!
Resources:
The Gaslight Effect: How to Recognize and Get Rid of Other People's Implicit Control Over Your Life, Robin Stern
MBA Think Tank Encyclopedia, "The Gaslight Effect"
Simple psychology, "Li Lianglei Puts the Hammer Again: How is the "Gas Lamp Man" in Psychology Emotionally Manipulated? 》
About the Author:
Shi Bangjia, Yin Jianli's parents' school original content editor, learners and explorers on the road to parenting, hope that we will live well and meet slowly.