"He PUA you, you CPU back, then you UFO each other, and finally both produced PTSD."
Internet level 10 surfers, you can understand what this sentence is talking about at a glance.
PUA, full name Pick-up Artist, is a means of emotional manipulation, also named "Gaslight Effect" because of the movie "Under the Gaslight".
As the concept of PUA becomes more and more popular, its network aliases also increase: CPU, KTV, HELLO KITTY... The trend of recreational PUAs is unstoppable, and everyone can play a meme or two.
However, psychological counselor Li Songwei said that if "PUA" becomes more and more like an entertainment term, we may not be able to distinguish between the unequal or potential manipulation in a relationship, and how serious the harm it will cause.
Because PUA is far more common and more lethal than we think.
The scene of the launch of the new book "Simple Psychology: Seeing Inward"
About PUA, about the gaslight effect, the book "Simple Psychology: Seeing Inward" provides us with practical answers. The following is an excerpt from it and shared with you.
1
Gas lamp people are more common than you think
"Emotionally manipulating someone" is not the intention of most gaslamp people, after all, very few people will deliberately torture their loved ones.
However, people trapped in various complex relationships have gradually developed from "I love you, so I am willing to pay for you" in the early days of getting along, to constantly asking and asking for under the banner of concern, thinking that what they do is for the good of each other, thus evolving into "I love you, so you should listen to me". And this seemingly justified starting point makes his love inadvertently change its taste and become a suffocating gas lamp man.
Some gaslamp people may never notice the negative effects of what they do, but they can clearly perceive a strong urge to control the behavior of others.
Such people are more common in parent-child and conjugal relationships.
For example, when some parents communicate with their children in daily life, they habitually suppress them and deny their children's own feelings, cognitions and judgments, so that such children have formed abnormal psychological attachment to their parents from an early age, thinking that they "do everything wrong", so as to fully accept their parents' arrangements.
Although this "suppression" by parents, friends, colleagues, and partners does not necessarily come from active gaslight manipulation. But behind these words lies the intention of the manipulator to change you and make you obey. Your negative emotions come from these, and the outside world labels you just because of momentary judgments. They are biased, but far-reaching.
American drama "Heart-to-Heart Consultation"
Constructive criticism is good for one's own development, while sustained, negative criticism can seriously undermine one's self-confidence.
When a person is not confident enough, he/she is more likely to be influenced by these labels, hit, slumped, and even begin to constantly give himself psychological hints - I give up and change, this is the real me.
As Patricia Evans writes in Controlling People, "If we always accept other people's definitions of ourselves, we will believe that their assessments are more truthful."
2
The main manifestation of the gas lamp man
The manipulator in the movie "Under the Gaslight" will use all necessary means to control others in order to achieve his own goals. As a result, they tend to place themselves in the dominant position of feelings and want to be the only source of influence on the manipulated.
Here are 10 signs that manipulators may show in a relationship:
1. More narcissistic and self-centered.
2. Use your weaknesses to taunt, attack, criticize your every move, and devalue yourself.
3. Establish authority, pretend that you know everything you know, and even try to convince you that what you believe is wrong and that you are self-deceiving yourself.
4. Try to convince you that everyone but them is cheating on you and will do something harmful to you.
5. It doesn't matter what you think and feel like you think.
6. Makes you doubt your sanity.
7. They don't treat you badly all the time, give you some sweetness every now and then, and constantly use positive reinforcement and negative reinforcement to manipulate you into doing things that cater to their requirements. This emotional and attitudinal instability confuses you and begins to question everything.
8. Tend to remember selectively, and they sometimes deny what they have said and promised.
9. Because you think that your image should be "tall", you will shirk responsibility when something goes wrong, and blame you or others for the mistake by lying, covering up, etc.
10. Be good at distorting facts and giving a long and very complex argument process to make it more conducive to proving one's point.
The movie "Under the Gaslight"
3
How to avoid being manipulated by gas lamps
So, if we encounter a gaslamp man, what can we do to avoid his control? And, how to avoid becoming a gaslamp person ourselves?
First, recognize yourself and trust your first instinct.
When evaluating yourself, stand firm and trust your instincts. The evaluation of us by others is often only based on some phenomena, which can play a role in assisting and learning, but it is not strictly conclusive. If we know ourselves entirely through the perspective of others, we can only make our understanding of ourselves more ambiguous.
Second, constantly enrich the social circle.
Once you close yourself, you are cutting your own sources of information, and then it is easier to believe the "word of the family". Isolating myself is equivalent to giving others more arbitrary control. Therefore, we should constantly expose ourselves to new friends, expand our social circle, and accept ideas from multiple channels. Once we encounter psychological doubts, we can also throw the problem to some people we trust, so as not to drill into the problem alone.
Third, have the courage to make mistakes.
Most of the people who are manipulated are people who have extreme low self-esteem and are afraid of their shortcomings being exposed to the public. Unwilling to make their own decisions, and afraid to face the outcome of things, so they rely too much on the judgment and evaluation of others. The first priority, then, should be to recognize that everyone makes mistakes and accept their "imperfections." Start small and make decisions for yourself.
Fourth, learn to take responsibility and take charge of your own life.
Record life chores, work tasks, schedules, etc., so that you can have a clear idea of your life. This is a good habit. Keeping your life and work organized can prevent yourself from becoming too dependent on others and easily plunging yourself into chaos.
Fifth, always love yourself.
Proactively discover and document your strengths, even if it's small, and it's easy to overlook. For example, I often tell myself, "I play the piano very well", "I have excellent skills in catching dolls", "Although I have not done this well, I am actively looking for a remedy". For sensitive and prone to low self-esteem, learning the Q-style spiritual victory method is not necessarily a good thing.
Sixth, seek the help of professionals.
Once we confirm that we have been manipulated by the gas lamp, we should take some actions as soon as possible and proactively to break the other party's manipulation. The reason why the operator can continue to manipulate is precisely because we are guided to respond to their expectations, which leads them to find that the control is effective and can achieve the goal. If we do the opposite and don't give them the feedback they want, it can help change the pattern. And when you can't completely escape the control of the manipulator, actively seek outside forces.
Finally, if you realize that you are more or less in a similar situation and feel guilty. Remember, we should first forgive ourselves – we are not saints and we are not actively committing violence – and then immediately and immediately communicate with your loved ones and friends and other victims, asking for their forgiveness and asking them for help.
Never try to rationalize emotional manipulation in the name of love. Love should be a deep understanding and acceptance. American humanist psychologist Carl Carl Rogers once said:
True love is based on respect and equality, and any suppression and trampling in the name of love is a lie of love.
The above article is excerpted from the book Simple Psychology: Seeing Inward.
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