Author: Zhu Yanmei
Source: Management Evolution (ID: management_evolution)
De Beauvoir wrote in The Second Sex: "People shut a woman in the kitchen or boudoir, but are amazed by her limited vision; people break her wings and lament that she cannot fly." ”
Editor's Note
This week, the new crown epidemic spread across the country, and many megacities pressed the pause button. On days when you are not at home, reading or a calming lamp as usual has a reassuring light.
Ms. Zhu Yanmei, executive director and executive vice president of BGI Group, won the 2021 "Management Excellence of the Year" award, and she recommended four books for female friends to read because:
The real realization of the "ideal state" of "half the sky" is by no means waiting for men's awakening or compassion, but can only rely on women's own awakening and autonomy.
"I Firmly Believe"
Oprah. Winfrey, an ordinary black woman with an ordinary appearance, but self-confidence, humor, and wit, is the most legendary black woman in the United States and even the world. From the ugly duckling "Problem Girl" from a poor background, she became the world-famous talk show queen, and was named "Fox's Most Influential Black Woman of the 21st Century" and "Time Magazine's Most Influential Person".
Oprah always uses her frank, direct and unique sense of humor in the show to give people a sense of affinity, in which she cries and laughs with the guests, and the audience also shares their joys and sorrows.
Oprah grew up living in a slum with her single mother. When he was 9 years old, he was raped by his cousin, willing to degenerate, smoking, drinking, and taking drugs. At the age of 13, he was sent to a juvenile correctional facility. She became pregnant at the age of 14 and gave birth to a child who died prematurely. After that, she followed her biological father, was strictly disciplined, read and studied, and regained her strength.
Oprah's effect is to make everyone listen to the "call of the heart". Only those who believe in themselves can become strong in life and career.
In the face of failure and difficulties, she would always comfort herself with this: "If God closes a door for you and does not cry, it must have opened a window for you." "The book "I Firmly Believe" is to hope that readers can regain their strength and continue to fight when they encounter setbacks. In fact, it is not the enemy that defeats you, but the heart that overwhelms you.
Excerpting some of the sentences from the book, we can feel the power.
★ The most basic and core goal in my life is to maintain contact with the soul world, and everything else will go naturally---- which I firmly believe. For me, the number one soul exercise is trying to live in the present moment, trying to avoid projecting into the future, or indulging in past mistakes, trying to feel the true power of the present.
★ No matter how difficult it is, or smooth sailing, fate is in your hands—-- you are the person who can most control your life. Your journey begins when you decide to stand up, step up, and live a full life.
★ There is a glimmer of light in every difficult moment. When you know who you are, you will insist on being yourself, and you will be able to stand in the light of wisdom.
★ I firmly believe that healing the wounds of the past is the most difficult and worthwhile challenge in life. Knowing when and how you were shaped into who you are, then you can change those influences. It is your own duty to do so, not to do anything else. An indisputable universal law is that we are responsible for our own lives.
★ I firmly believe that all those alone moments are crucial in determining who I become.
★ I've always been proud of my independence, integrity, and my support for others, but there's only a line between pride and pride. I've learned that sometimes you have to come out of pride to recognize the facts.
★ We've all experienced moments of defeat that have required us to stand up and go back to our own hearts to understand who we really are. Changing the way you think about your situation is the key to changing it all. I firmly believe that all obstacles make sense and that being able to open your heart to learn from these challenges is the gap between success and being trapped.
★ I firmly believe that there can be no power without challenges, without doom, without obstacles, without suffering. ..."I walked alone, but it was as if I were carrying ten thousand men. Maya Angelo said this in her poem "Our Grandmothers." As I walk through this world, I take with me all my history ---- all the people who paved the way for me are part of who I am now.
★ Happiness is never something you can get from someone else. The happiness you feel and the love you can give are proportional.
★ As long as you are still worried about what others think of you, they can enslave you; only if you no longer have to seek affirmation from outside yourself can you become your own master.
The Gaslight Effect
The book's author, Robin Stern, is a psychoanalyst with 30 years of experience.
The gaslight effect refers to an emotional control in which the manipulator uses distortion, misunderstanding, and suppression to make you doubt your own behavior and motivations, thereby destroying your self-perception and completing the manipulation. The current buzzword "PUA" describes this behavior.
The term "gaslight effect" is the inspiration given to the author by the old movie "Under the Gaslight". The film recreates typical emotional manipulation. In order to seize the heroine's property, the male protagonist carefully planned a conspiracy. He deliberately dimmed the gas lamp at home, making it bright and dim, and when the hostess asked, he said that the gas lamp was no problem, it was your own problem. In the face of the male protagonist's firm reply, the female protagonist began to doubt herself and gradually believed that her spirit was wrong. The author borrows the concept of the "gaslight effect" to refer to "emotional manipulation."
The key point of emotional manipulation is whether you rely on the approval of others. If you base your self-evaluation on the approval of others, especially the people you care about, such as partners, parents, leaders, etc. If you rely on their approval to boost your self-confidence, it's only a matter of time before you get manipulated.
Although emotional manipulation does not distinguish between men and women, young and old, it is true that women are more susceptible to manipulation, especially in intimate relationships.
To get rid of emotional manipulation, the most fundamental thing is to establish self-identity. You have to believe that even if no one approves of you, you still have your own unique value. This is also the inspiration and strength brought to us by psychologist Adler's book "The Courage to Be Hated".
With the determination to change, the next step is to learn five ways to turn off the gas lamp.
First, distinguish between truth and misinterpretation. Emotional manipulators often distort and manipulate facts to make you believe that his words are right. You don't just have to listen to one side of the story, you have to try to find the truth.
Second, withdraw from ineffective communication in a timely manner. Ineffective communication is not solving the problem, but desperately trying to prove that your point of view is correct and forcing the other party to accept it. Truly effective communication will listen carefully to each other's words and take into account each other's feelings. When you find that the other person does not respect your opinion, does not listen to your feelings, and just insists that you agree with his point of view, he quickly stops and withdraws from the conversation.
Third, identify the behavior that triggers the gas lamp manipulation. For example, when a boy says that a girl is fat, and when a girl says that a boy makes less money, identifying these trigger mechanisms is like demining a demining of the relationship between the two.
Fourth, pay attention to your feelings. The accusations of gas lamp operators are sometimes not entirely unjustified. If you do do something wrong, sincerely apologize and try to make amends; but if he amplifies these mistakes, you need to be keenly focused on your feelings. If you are very frustrated, aggrieved, and scared, there must be something wrong, and at this point, all you have to do is stop the conversation immediately.
Fifth, remember that we have no control over anyone's opinion. The biggest difference between emotional manipulation and normal emotional needs is that the manipulator thinks he is always right and asks you to identify with him. The manipulated person will fall into a "doubt-debate-identity" cycle. As long as you let go of the idea of convincing the manipulator and only stick to what you think is correct, the gas lamp manipulation will naturally stop.
As long as you are alert, honest, and learn to ask for help, you can immediately end this gaslight mode and regain the initiative in life.
The Woman Who Woke Up
"The Women's Room" was first published in the United States in 1977, during a time when various liberating ideologies were in full swing in the 1960s and 1970s. The novel of 420,000 words is a history of the lives of American women at that time, and there are also stories of the authors themselves. The author, Marilyn French (1929–2009), was a radical feminist whose work she became famous for. "Get" has interpreted this book and recommends listening.
The book caused a huge sensation when it was published, and was called the "novel version of the Second Sex" (by Beauvoir). It caused public controversy because it exposed many sharp social contradictions and gender discrimination, indirectly promoting the second feminist movement around the world.
Marilyn French was born in Brooklyn, USA, loved to write since childhood, and was admitted to Harvard University after marriage. The two divorced because her husband opposed her writing career. She has focused on women's topics throughout her life and has had a huge influence on the Feminist movement in the West.
Mira, the protagonist of "The Woman Who Woke Up", did not like to wear clothes in the summer when she was a child, and walked naked through the street, and Mira's mother was very angry, so she tied a rope around her neck. Of course, the rope is long, and Mira can also walk around within the rope length. Gradually, Mira got used to being tethered, stopped crying, and changed her dislike of wearing clothes. This "rope" symbolizes a kind of domination and discipline, using brute force to make women obey.
Most women, like Mira, slowly accept reality, are domesticated, and gradually lose the ability to face the world alone, and they even think that the circle circled with the long radius of the rope is the safest place. The rope gradually changed from concrete to abstract, from trapping the body to encapsulating the spirit. Mira, who was tamed by her parents as an adult, is also always looking for her "safe island".
After the marriage, Mira felt as if her husband had locked her up in a convent and allowed him to visit alone. Her marriage was like a rope that her childhood had put around her neck, and though safe, she had to be as loyal to her master as a watchdog. Mira gradually realized that she had become her husband's property.
Just as Mira is dying about marriage, she finds out she's pregnant. She caressed the soft little life in her belly, and felt that there was nothing she could not stand, so she voluntarily accepted this fact, and let the child replace the marriage and become a new rope tied to her neck.
"The Woman Who Woke Up" is not a novel that cries about women's misfortune and accuses men of evil deeds, the core content of the book is that true women are independent, neither giving up marriage, nor fighting with men to the end. The key point of women's independence is economic independence and mutual understanding between the sexes.
《What happened to you? 》
Finally recommend this English book. This is a book my daughter was listening to recently. She told it to me and I was very pleased.
This book reminds us that it's time for us to revisit and change these "questions."
The book was written by Oprah in 2018 with Bruce, a well-known child psychiatrist and trauma researcher. D． Perry's conversation in an episode of CBS's "60 Minutes." Through in-depth, private conversations, Oprah and Dr. Perry came up with a groundbreaking, far-reaching shift, no longer asking "What is wrong with you?" but "What happened to you?" ”
With a little thought, we can appreciate the difference between the two. When we ask others, we must be curious about their experiences and feelings, rather than questioning and accusing, it is likely that you can not imagine what he has experienced.
Oprah, is a woman with real inner strength. Her experience has witnessed miracles. Every woman can live with the joy of hers.
[Reference]
"The Woman Who Woke Up", Get, "Listen to the Book Every Day"
Women's Most Precious Luxury: Autonomy, Management Evolution
The Woman's Moment, The Evolution of Management