Gas lamp effect
The book I'm sharing with you today is called The Gaslight Effect, and the subtitle is "How to Recognize and Get Rid of Other People's Implicit Control over Your Life." The "gaslight effect" mentioned in this book refers to the widespread phenomenon of emotional manipulation in our lives, which is characterized by imperceptible, and the victims of manipulation usually receive a lot of misleading information unconsciously, thus beginning to question their own judgment, which eventually leads to severe self-doubt and frustration. This phenomenon of emotional manipulation does not only exist between couples, but even exists widely in various social relationships, such as family relationships, workplace relationships, etc., but it is often ignored by us.
PUA
Maybe you've never heard of the "gaslight effect" before this emotional manipulation, but you must have heard the term PUA, right? PUA full name (Pick-up Artist), originated from the United States, at first it means to talk to the artist, refers to a person from a simple social conversation to expand the entire process of intersex interaction, but then gradually changed the taste, many bad elements through careful external packaging, to carry out the opposite sex of brainwashing and seduction, the ultimate goal is to completely control the emotions of the opposite sex, so many women have become victims of PUA routines, the most famous of which is the suicide of Peking University girl Bao Li, She was mentally abused by her boyfriend for a long time, and finally chose to commit suicide without being mentally tortured. From these bloody tragedies, we can infer that PUA has essentially become synonymous with mind control and psychological abuse.
Putting aside real-life examples, there have also been plots similar to mind manipulation in many film and television dramas, for example, in the American movie "Girl on the Train", the story that happened to the heroine is a true portrayal of "gas lamp manipulation": a husband who looks perfect on the surface is married to a violent, alcoholic wife, and everyone around her is spitting on the bad behavior of this wife, resulting in her being in a mental trance and depressed situation, until the end of the story, the plot is constantly reversed. The truth gradually became clear, it turned out that the husband was a complete "gas lamp manipulator", he himself was a person with a chaotic private life and a failed career, but he gladly blamed his wife for his dissatisfaction in life, constantly hinting and "manipulating" the wife in his thoughts, causing the heroine to be in a state of guilt and self-blame for a long time, which shows how much negative the impact of spiritual manipulation on a person is.
Back in the book "The Gaslight Effect," the author is Robin Stern, deputy director of the Yale Center for Emotional Intelligence and a psychoanalyst with more than 30 years of experience in couples emotional counseling, and in her career, she realized that she often encounters such patients, who have in common a sign of severe self-doubt and low self-esteem, and often question why they are always making mistakes while their partners seem perfect. On the other hand, I am always depressed, but I can't tell what the problem is. At the same time, Professor Robin Stern also found that this phenomenon not only exists in gender relations, but also in the workplace, family environment, and sometimes mental manipulators even carry out mental kidnapping in the name of "love you", which often causes us headaches, but we can't find the source of the problem, so this is the topic that we want to discuss with you today - the "gas lamp effect" hidden in our lives.
So when it comes to the source of the gaslight effect, it was inspired by a movie released in 1944 called Under the Gaslight. In order to steal the woman's family property, the male protagonist in this film tries to make the heroine mistakenly believe that she is hallucinating by secretly manipulating the flickering of the gas lamp, causing her to begin to question the reality she sees, and gradually collapses mentally, believing that she has gone crazy. Professor Robin Stern believes that the gas lamp effect is an imperceptible psychological manipulation behavior, which eventually produces cognitive dissonance by denying or misleading the manipulated person to make them question their memory, judgment, etc. It can be seen that the gas lamp effect can be described as the ultimate use of psychological manipulation.
It should be noted that the object of the gas lamp effect often involves two people, and the "manipulator" of the gas lamp phenomenon usually has a serious bias in self-perception, they are often overconfident, or even conceited, and the views they put forward cannot allow others to have any doubts, so the "gas lamp operator" will only continue to make misleading accusations or distort the facts to the manipulated person, and brainwash and slander them for a long time. The end result is that the victim falls into a deep sense of self-doubt and frustration. For example, the gas lamp operator questions that you are a person who has lost everything, and if you are not confident enough at the moment, you will believe that what he is saying may be the truth, and eventually fall into the vortex of self-doubt misled by the manipulator, struggling.
When it comes to the types of common gas lamp operators, the most typical cases are divided into three categories, namely charismatic, good-guy and threatening gaslight operators.
The first is the "charismatic manipulator". Most common among men, who will try to create a romantic world for you with their charms, you may lose yourself in their sweet words. For example, your boyfriend often does not reply to your messages and phone calls, is often indifferent to you, but suddenly sends a surprise when you are on the verge of collapse, bouquet of roses and takes you to a delicate restaurant to eat, and try to explain that you are too sensitive yourself, so you may be coaxed by his charm and romantic skills and forget his previous excessive behavior, and the pain of being snubbed, but also self-doubt whether it is too sensitive and vulnerable, which is a common trick used by charm manipulators.
The second is the "good guy gas lamp operator". They are characterized by manipulating your actions or thoughts using the so-called "good" starting point for you. Parents will rely on their own life experiences to "love you in the name" of your work, studies, and even find a partner to interfere with a certain amount, their starting point is "for your own good", but it may not really be suitable for you. In addition, including with friends, leaders, there are often such good gas lamp operators, they always think that they are good for you in a way to interfere in your life and thoughts, maybe you once felt uncomfortable and wrong, but can not say the specific reason, and if you do not meet their expectations of your so-called "good", you will even be sullen, reflect on whether you have failed to live up to their expectations, the reason behind all this may be that you are controlled by the good gas lamp operator.
The last is the "threatening gas lamp operator", which is a relatively rare type of manipulator, which is characterized by a direct and domineering posture, violently reprimanding and abusing you, belittling or excluding you. For example, in some family relationships with domestic violence, the husband constantly yells and attacks his wife and children, imposes his own views on others, and scolds in a rough form, you can try to imagine whether such a scene has happened around you? For example, is there such a person around you, regardless of whether he has been in front of you or not, whether he often belittles you, or finds other ways to express his contempt for you? Or is he constantly or periodically furious? If you encounter these situations and still relent to their harsh accusations, you may be under the control of the threatening gas lamp operator.
There are six ways to turn off the control of the gas lamp, the order is irrelevant, the point is that you must act thoroughly to avoid falling into the situation of gas lamp manipulation:
First, clarify the problem and distinguish what the truth of reality is. You have to know that gaslight manipulators sometimes distort existing facts in order to control the scene, and then tell us their processed versions, and if you can't tell what the truth is, you may fall into their trap. Therefore, distinguishing between the truth and the facts is the most critical step to turn off the gas manipulation, and one thing that needs to be reminded of is that when you cannot judge the truth of reality, you can use the forces around you to help you clarify the facts, such as asking for help from your parents or reliable friends, avoiding only listening to the one-sided words of the gas lamp operator, so that you are in a helpless situation, which is particularly critical.
second. Allow yourself to make appropriate sacrifices and concessions. There is an unavoidable fact that when we make up our minds to leave the gas lamp manipulation relationship, you may lose something, such as the object of your admiration, and the parents who often care for you, or the leaders or colleagues you once admired, but because they are overwhelmed by their gas lamp manipulation on you, you may face losing the so-called "intimate" relationship with them after staying away from their "gas lamp manipulation", and you may sigh." I'll never meet a soul mate like him again" or "I'll never meet such a good leader again" and so on. But the problem is that the relationship you're in now is distorting your spirit and is swallowing up the joy of your life little by little. Therefore, if you want to completely get rid of the control of the gas lamp, it is advisable to make some sacrifices and concessions appropriately.
Third, bravely face your true feelings about yourself. When you stay in a gaslight-manipulated relationship, you may often disconnect from your true emotions and only attach to the emotions and thoughts of the manipulator, so in order to turn off the gas, you must open your heart and face your true emotions bravely. You can try the exercise below to reconnect with your true emotions and awaken your emotions: Take out your pen and paper, feel your inner feelings and write down the answers to these questions: 1. Recall a recent event that had an emotional impact on you. It can be a big thing like a loved one getting sick, or it can be a small thing like a disagreement with a friend, please try to describe the cause and experience of this incident, what do you feel and think during this period? What did you do for this? Through these simple trainings, you can gradually awaken your inner sense of truth.
Fourth, learn to adjust your mindset and give yourself strength. Know that when you make up your mind to leave the gaslight control, you may lose this once cherished relationship or relationship, leaving a relationship is always hurtful, but learn to live in the moment. Don't project this painful feeling of being manipulated by a gas lamp onto your future life. Always remind yourself that when you are free from the control of the gas lamp, your future life will be more free and comfortable, a better future awaits you, and you will always maintain empathy for yourself and others. In addition, starting to recognize and use your strengths can also help you adjust your mindset, and you can empower yourself with these methods: list your strengths; do things that make you feel very accomplished; contact people who can see your strengths and support you.
Whatever action you take, accepting the fact that you've done your best, maintaining a steady mindset and encouraging yourself more will help you get out of the shadows of being manipulated by the gaslight faster.
Hope my recommendation will help you read this book.