It was hard to squeeze in time to go to the toilet, and the child called out to his mother at the door. There is no way but to hold the child to the toilet;
It was hard to coax the child to fall asleep, just wanted to sit down to eat a meal, only to pull a few bites, the child woke up. I had to hold the child while devouring it;
The child is sick, the father is socializing, and he can only take the child to the hospital alone;
……
If you have such an experience, it means that your family has entered "widowhood parenting".
The most obvious manifestation of "widowed parenting" is that she obviously has a husband, but she lives like a single mother.
So, you complain and accuse dad is a decoration, with him is almost the same as no him...
In fact, this really can't all blame the "husband", mothers in the complaint, blame the husband at the same time, but also think about their own reasons.
1
Mom's attitude dictated
The level of involvement of dads in parenting
A friend once complained to me like this:
My wife always complained to me: "The child is not my alone, why don't you care about anything, you want to exhaust me?" ......”
At this time, all I usually have to do is listen silently. Because once I open my mouth, the flames of war will burn directly on me.
Actually, I don't want to care.
In the beginning, I also tutored my son with his homework a few times. As a result, when the wife came back to see it, she was furious: "How did you tutor your homework, so much wrong!" Neither here nor there was written as the teacher asked. If this is seen by the teacher, the son will definitely be disciplined. ”
I took the homework and looked at it again, and found that some problems were indeed missed, so I had to surrender and admit my mistake.
Finally, the wife made a cruel remark: "I will never need you to check your son's homework again, you will only help!" ”
Since then, I have never written homework with my son.
You see, it's not that dads don't want to accompany their children and manage their children, but that moms always feel that dads are not doing as well as themselves, thus depriving dads of the opportunity to accompany their children.
In the long run, Dad will feel:
"My opinion is not at all recognized by you, I might as well stay away";
"I don't understand the matter of raising children, I just have to work hard and earn more money for you";
"If the baby doesn't look for me, I can't help it";
Admittedly, in a family, especially in parenting, mothers have more say. But Dad also needs to have the opportunity to learn and grow.
After all, becoming a dad is not a simple thing for men.
Because, at the beginning of a child's life, they and their mother are one. For dads, for nearly a year before the child was born, he only provided sperm, but lacked a biological bond with the child.
Therefore, men's transformation from a physiological level to a father in the real sense needs a process of adjustment and adaptation, and it is necessary to grow up slowly.
Therefore, mothers should not complain about their father's "hand-throwing" style while refusing to see their father's existence, and even reprimanding their father's carelessness and clumsiness.
You know, mom's attitude determines how involved dad is in parenting.
2
"Widowed Parenting"
What is the impact on the child?
Children who grow up in the "widowed parenting" environment, because they have not received the complete love of their parents (usually the absence of their fathers), are obviously more emotionally fragile than other children, and they are also prone to inferiority, anxiety, and even extreme behavior.
Pan Changjiang, a famous sketch actor, did not enjoy the praise of his father's natural expression throughout his life. People in their 60s, mentioning their fathers, still have tears in their eyes;
The writer Sanmao once bluntly said that the contradiction between her and her father was the battle of her life. Later, my father read "For Whom the Rising Sun Rises" published by Sanmao and left a piece of praise: I am deeply proud of having such a small grass.
Sanmao read the message with a thousand emotions and responded: Wait for your words, wait for a lifetime, only wait for you, my father, to say it yourself, affirming the inferiority and weakness of my heart that I cannot eliminate in this family for a lifetime.
Singer Cai Guoqing said: "The day I learned that my wife was pregnant, I pointed to my father's nose and said, I would never become a father like you. ”
You see, the lack of paternal love has a huge, even lifelong, impact on children.
Parents, an authoritative American educational magazine, once summed up the uniqueness of fathers like this:
1. Fathers and mothers are different;
2. Fathers love to play with their children more;
3. The father has a greater role in promoting the child;
4. The language used by the father is more complex;
5. The father is more restrained by the child;
6. The father makes the child more social and prepares him for entering the real world;
7. Introduce the role and behavior of men in real life;
8. The father supports the wife;
9. Fathers will help their children reach their potential.
The famous psychologist Gerdy said that men are more adventurous, exploratory, tolerant and curious, and these characteristics will be vividly reflected in the education of children.
Children who are accompanied by their fathers have better logical thinking ability, stronger self-confidence, and a more cheerful and positive personality, and a stronger sense of responsibility.
The famous British literary scholar Hubbert said: "One father is better than 100 principals." Well, a good father should be better than 100 good principals. ”
Therefore, please learn to let go, have more patience and confidence, and give dad a process of learning and adapting, so that he can better perform his father's duties.
3
How to help husband
Become a good dad?
Trust, encourage
Going back to the example at the beginning of the article, if the father helps the child with homework, the mother does not ask much, or affirms the father's behavior in an appreciative tone, the effect is different.
Even if the mother finds that the homework tutored by the father has some negligence mistakes, do not blame or deny the credit.
It can be said: "Dad is awesome today and can make time for homework." However, there seem to be a few small mistakes that have been missed. Next time, be more careful, it will be perfect! ”
I believe that dads who hear similar affirmations and encouragement will definitely like to tutor their children to write homework.
Psychologist William James once said: "The deepest need of human nature is the desire to be appreciated and praised by others." "Dad is no different.
Husbands and wives praise each other, regardless of victory or defeat
Girlfriends said that when she and her husband traveled with their daughter for several months, she sent a group of friends circles and lamented that the trip was really too tiring.
As a result, the circle of friends praised her husband for being considerate and gentle.
The girlfriend said with disgust: "Obviously I am tired and sore, and I still can't sleep well at night, why do everyone praise you?" ”
Her husband quipped, "Probably you usually portray me too well." ”
Indeed, the girlfriend is a showman. Whether outside or at home, I love to praise my husband.
For example, she would say to her husband, "How can you be so powerful, you can make money, you can also change diapers, coax children, and always be so calm." ”
Her husband saw through her intentions at a glance and unceremoniously shot back: "Don't praise me so much, you just don't want to do it yourself." ”
Of course, her husband will also praise her: "You see, internally you have to coordinate the relationship between the two families, to feed the children, to tell stories; externally you have to work, across the screen to deal with the company's problems, it is simply all-powerful, no one can replace!" ”
Clear division of labor and regular communication
My brother has decided to make a change since he realized the dangers of "widowed parenting."
First of all, he changed the layout of the room, gave his son a reading corner, placed books suitable for children to read, and read books with children every week (at least twice, not less than 1 hour).
Secondly, he and my sister-in-law did a good job of division of labor, such as the child's math, Go classes under my brother's tutoring, Chinese, English by my sister-in-law is responsible. At the same time, the time for their respective jobs and those who may need to socialize is arranged, and the pick-up schedule is arranged for each interest class.
Since my brother came home late from Monday to Friday, my sister-in-law was responsible for all the homework on campus, and my brother was responsible for accompanying the weekend improvement class.
They will choose one of the weekends as a parent-child day to accompany children to play, exercise and study. They also dedicate a special evening to communicate about their children and listen to each other's feelings and needs.
Usually, as long as they are at home, if there is no special situation, they will put down their mobile phones during the time period of 19:30-21:00, turn off wifi, and accompany their children wholeheartedly.
In addition, they will listen to the lessons of the family education instructor together, and even become classmates with their children and participate in community learning together.
You see, as long as the father is willing, he can become a participant in the child's growth path, not just a bystander.
In this era of diversity, although dads can't accompany their children in every way, they must do it according to the following basic standards:
Be able to maintain good communication with the mother and form a consensus on the division of labor and cooperation in the family;
Ability to build positive emotional interactions with children;
Be able to achieve self-growth and progress, and set an example and example for children.
Kabajin, the father of mindfulness, said, "Parenthood is practice." Children's needs are both varied and constantly changing, and this is a great opportunity for parents. Parents must cherish and make good use of these opportunities to learn, grow and set an example with their children.