Illuminate yourself, illuminate others, and the education of love is the future
2021 is almost over, and for children, the next half month may be the most tense and exciting moment.
The excitement is because it's almost winter vacation, and the nervousness is because it's time for the final exams.
In fact, the final exam is not only a test for children, but also a test for parents.
As parents, of course, the child will be happy when the test is good, but when the child does not take the test as we expect, in fact, we need our care and encouragement.
In the face of children's unsatisfactory results, if we can handle them well, we can not only give children more confidence, but also give children the courage to face the future.
01 Cowardly children, oppressive parents
In Mr. Dada's "Family Education Reading Society", a case was mentioned:
After the final results came down, the child scored 98 points, and he was particularly happy.
But I didn't expect that after giving the test paper to my mother, my mother not only did not praise, but also stared at the place where the fork was crossed and asked the child, "Why is it two points worse, is these two points so difficult?" You work a little harder, look at the questions a little more carefully, you can't get in, you see the xiaohai next door every time the test is 100...", the mother may not finish speaking, the child can not laugh out.
Perhaps in the eyes of the parents themselves, what they say is the truth, the purpose is also for the children to study harder, can not be proud and complacent because of a good test, but in fact, for the child, he will feel very weak, will feel that he will never meet the parents' standards, and then may lose the courage to face difficulties.
As Teacher Dada said: If parents only see the child's deficiencies for a long time, and do not help the child find the positive value of things, in fact, it will make the child more and more convinced that he is not good. And I can't, is the biggest spell on the road to success.
Under such pressure, children will naturally think that they are "not okay" and inferior to others.
And a child without self-worth, when faced with difficulties in life, he will only want to escape, not to challenge.
02 Cut off your wings, but blame you for not flying
There is such a comic "Parents cut off their children's wings, but blame the children for not flying", in fact, parents do not believe, questioning, for children is the heavy scissors.
Teacher Dada also said an example of a friend around her: once she sent her friend home, and her son, who happened to be in the car, called her mother.
At the beginning, the friend's son was very happy, because he had not seen his mother for a long time, he had a hard time getting a phone from the teacher, he wanted to share with his mother the happy things in the school recently, and asked his mother how she was doing.
Unexpectedly, when it came to the exam later, my mother said: You have not made any progress this time. Hearing this sentence the child began to argue.
After that, my mother said: You see your good friend, every time he does well in the exam, why can't you? The son immediately stopped talking, and the two hurriedly ended the call.
For children, parents are the most important people in the world, and the son of a friend would have been very happy, but the mother's disapproval and questioning, if it continues, will make the child himself begin to question himself.
Just like many young people can't cook now, they always hear their parents say after work, you can't take care of yourself when you look so old.
In fact, at this time, you should reflect on it, is it not that when the child is young, you are particularly afraid of the child entering the kitchen, because the child will always help, but on the other hand, your refusal, in fact, also deprives the child of the opportunity to learn on his own.
Just like when a child is on vacation, he only knows to watch TV at home and never helps clean, parents will always complain that their children do not know how to understand their own hardships.
But as a parent, do you remember that when your child wants to help, you will always say that you are busy studying, and other things do not need you to do.
Over time, children learn to turn a blind eye.
We always refuse to do things under the banner of "good for the child", but after the child grows up, we always complain that the child will not do things, and your refusal is actually in the scissors of the child's self-reliant wings.
03 Parents who let go, confident children
Behind every cowardly, unconfident child, there is actually a pair of such parents, always turning a blind eye to the child's merits.
But as Alfred Adler, the father of humanism, said: Parents will naturally pay attention to their children's problems, which is an inevitable status quo, but blindly focusing on shortcomings and shortcomings, the situation will not change.
In fact, the easiest way to eliminate shortcomings is not to look at the shortcomings, but to look at the strengths.
For this, as the book "Accept imperfect courage" said, many times, just need parents to look at the problem from a different perspective:
For example, it is not "gloomy", but "gentle".
Not "slow and half-beat", but "cautious".
Not "impatience", but "agile".
Not "mouthy", but "kind".
Not "feeling sluggish", but "owning your own world".
It's not "always failing", it's "facing many challenges".
As soon as you change your perspective, the world changes suddenly.
Parents treat their children too, but parents change their perspective, and the parent-child relationship may suddenly be open.
In fact, a friend's approach is a good demonstration of the transfer of thoughts.
The child only took the "80" score this time, seeing the results, she herself first said happily to the child: Then I have work again, you have room for improvement, every time the test is so good, I don't know how to help you.
This kind of feedback actually pulls the child out of the results, not only feels the support of the parents, but also understands that the mistakes are actually very normal, we are all learning in the mistakes, which is actually more important than a grade.
Of course, being able to do this, including the child being able to give her such positive feedback, is inseparable from her unconditional support for the child in the past six months, and the child has great trust in herself.
So for parents, letting go is a kind of courage, but letting go requires wisdom, and parents are not ignoring it, but more wisely guiding their children.
Every child is unique, and every parent's heart is actually the same, and the road to accompanying the child's growth is actually the parent's self-growth road.