Don't let the past hijack your present and destroy your wonderful future. - "A Beautiful Life"
Have you ever encountered a scenario like this:
Next to the toy stall, a small child sat on the ground and cried tearing his heart and lungs, but the mother threw away her hands irritably and threatened the child: Don't cry, hurry up, I won't care about you if you don't get up again.
Or in front of the desk, the child did the wrong question, was disciplined by the parents to cry, the child sobbed quietly, but you said: such a simple problem can not be done, and the face is crying, don't cry, the more you cry, the more annoying.
The child is telling you interesting things that happened at school, but you said, why don't you learn from other people's good? The child suddenly began to sulk, you continued to count, the child slammed the door and did not come out.
In fact, crying, getting angry, being sad, angry, afraid, etc., are just normal emotions of human beings. And emotions themselves are not good or bad.
Over the millions of years of human evolution, it has been significant to preserve emotions. For example, fear will make you more cautious, anger is actually a natural defense when challenged, and sadness will make you face reality objectively.
In fact, from another point of view, all the bad emotions you think are actually a reminder that what is happening in the moment makes you uncomfortable. If we can deal with bad emotions positively, it is our opportunity to change.
For the child, the only thing he really desires in his heart is the love of his parents. All his emotions are telling you, as a parent, please love me a little more.
But many times, because we have been indoctrinated since childhood, we have been instilled with the belief of "don't cry, be strong", so even after adulthood, we have become parents, and many times when we see our children crying, angry and throwing things, we will still be very repulsive and uncomfortable.
So what's so bad about blindly ignoring your child's bad emotions?
01 The perfect persona is actually just an illusion
In the movie "A Beautiful Life", the heroine Kayla is outstanding, confident and independent, and can also be independent in her career. Such a person should have gone well.
However, she frequently encountered career failures, betrayals by her boyfriend, and was driven out by the landlord. I had to go back to my parents' house, but the relationship with my parents was also tense after I returned home.
By chance, Kayla met a psychologist. With the help of a psychologist, Kayla recalls her childhood.
When she was a child, she was fostered at her grandparents' house because her parents were busy with business in other places, and at the age of 5, she always wrote to them every week because she missed her parents. But there was never a response.
Later, in the quarrel between her mother and grandfather, she learned that it was because her mother felt that Kayla always asked them when they would come to pick her up, and her mother could not respond to her needs, so she simply chose not to respond.
After that, Kayla went to school. But because she scored only a few to the bottom of an exam, her parents suddenly returned and forcibly took her away from school. Because her parents felt that this achievement was too humiliating, and they did not even give her time to say goodbye to her grandparents.
When she grew up, even if Kayla did the job she loved and did it well, her parents would still think that she couldn't do it, and she couldn't go to a prestigious school and enter the government like her brother to make their faces shine.
So although Kayla seems to have a lot of courage on the surface, even if she is uncomfortable in the face of inappropriate suitors, she will still force herself to try to see it, and will not directly refuse.
In the face of the ex-boyfriend's sincere reconciliation, he can only tell his dissatisfaction by arguing and throwing a tantrum. She couldn't express her emotions properly.
The reason for this is actually a passage said by the psychologist and Kayla in this drama is a good explanation:
As children, when we are sad and want to cry, adults will tell us not to cry;
When we are angry, adults will tell us to "give me a smile";
When we resent, they don't allow us to do that.
Sadness, anger, resentment...
We are not allowed to express any emotions.
Why? Because then the family can be calm.
But in the end, we find that when we want to love, we can't express love.
Because our whole emotions have been turned upside down.
Parents always feel that they are for the good of their children, so they often choose to ignore the needs of their children's hearts.
When Kayla wrote to her parents, they didn't respond, so she stopped talking to her parents and closed the door to other people's hearts.
When they had feelings for their grandparents, their parents ignored the pain of Kayla's separation.
So she learned that feeling pain is fruitless, and can only be pressed into her own heart. So her pain can only eventually erupt through anger, anger and anger.
02 What parents should do in the face of their children's bad emotions
In fact, in the face of children's bad emotions, parents have to do very simple.
First, the law of mirrors
Parents need to help their children know his feelings like a mirror, and clearly tell their children that there are emotions not to feel guilty, there are emotions to say, ** can say it, in fact, the harm of bad emotions has been reduced a lot.
Rather than eagerly interrupting the child, asking him to "don't cry", or directly punishing, doing it 10 times if it is not right, it is actually more important to help him recognize bad emotions. Use your language to help your child speak out emotionally.
For example, child, you seem to be angry; I see you frowning now, as if you don't really like doing this homework now, and so on.
And only if we deal with the child's emotions can we help the child deal with the problem.
Harshly accusing the child of the original emotions, you also let him continue to fall into the emotional quagmire, which is not conducive to solving the problem, but also may lead to a bad parent-child relationship.
Second, actively suspend
To deal with children's emotions, there is actually a premise, that is, parents must first deal with their own emotions.
The easiest way to do this is to "actively pause" as mentioned in "Positive Discipline", when we find that we have emotions in the face of children's affairs, first walk away and calm down.
Or even if we still can't control ourselves in time at the beginning, we must seriously apologize to the child afterwards, and it is actually wrong to lose our temper. Next time, you can let your child remind you that this is also the process of parents and children growing up together.
Third, after calming down, express unconditional love
As the saying goes, "Rome wasn't built in a day," and so is the relationship between parents and children.
Like Kayla in "A Beautiful Life", in fact, each of us has longed for love since childhood, especially the love of our parents. But when people reach middle age, it is inevitable that there will be all kinds of last resorts, rather than running away, it is better to tell the child sincerely. Believe that your child loves you more than you think and is more tolerant of you.
So there is a particularly useful suggestion in "Positive Discipline" that is to have a special parent-child time with the child at a fixed time, even if it is only 10 minutes.
And parents are through the 10 minutes of being with the child wholeheartedly, telling him that you love him forever, and your love for him is unconditional and has nothing to do with anything else. This will also make the child feel particularly secure.
Fourth, love is action
In fact, what children are most afraid of is abandonment, and what they want most is the love of their parents. And expressing love requires action. The simplest sentence I love you, a loving hug, is actually OK.
Part of the original text comes from the sharing of Teacher Dada's "Family Education Reading Club".
Illuminate yourself, illuminate others, and the education of love is the future