These behaviors of parents are raising an unconfident child
Being a parent who is not disappointed, let the child believe in his feelings, and enjoy the happiness of the moment, is the real "for the sake of the child".
Author | Fireworks March
Recently, a mother posted a video, which attracted angry criticism from netizens.
It turned out that the 14-year-old girl carefully prepared four dishes and one soup for lunch, including tomato scrambled eggs, green pepper ham, sour and spicy boneless phoenix claws, stir-fried greens and corn rib soup.
She served her mother egg fried rice and prepared grapefruit as an after-meal fruit.
The girl had a busy morning, happily waiting for her mother's approval and praise.
However, her mother's reaction was too unexpected, she was not happy at all, and blamed while filming the video:
"Am I going to praise you? You and I have so many dishes at noon, how do we both eat? ”
The mother also posted the video on the Internet, continuing to spit on her "uncounted" daughter:
"The lunch made by my fourteen-year-old daughter was made for me at eleven! Should I praise? It's going to be wasted again! ”
But netizens did not buy their mother's account, and unanimously supported the girl:
"Heavens... I feel sorry for my daughter, so I can cook and be complained. ”
"I make four dishes and one soup like this with meat and vegetables to honor my parents. Then that's enough for my mom and dad to blow outside for a year. ”
"If I were this little sister, I would have to die of grievances, and when I met such a discouraged mother, there would be no word of praise, and I would have to change the law and yin."
Yes, when the girl is busy, other children of the same age may be holding Erlang's legs, eating snacks, playing hand games, and his parents call him to eat and shout 10 times, and he doesn't reply, let alone let him cook.
Even if you really feel that the child is cooking too much, you can speak in a different tone, instead of using this yin and yang strange words to poke the child's heart.
I can't help but think of this passage:
"Some parents seem to have a magic power, children share happiness with them, happiness will disappear; Talk to them about their troubles, and their troubles will be doubled. ”
Indeed, parents who "discourage" parenting are the best at sprinkling a basin of cold water on their child's head, so that the child's interest is instantly completely lost.
But its negative impact is never temporary, but it binds the child's life.
"Discourage" education, depriving children of joy
In the book "My Dear Sweet Orange Tree", I was impressed by the story of the little boy Zeze's longing for love and tenderness.
Zeze was born in a family with many children and financial constraints, and he didn't want to always see his parents frowning, so he tried his best to please his parents, especially his father's.
He saw that his father was sullen because he was unemployed, and decided to sing a song to make his father happy.
However, Dad had no intention of listening to the song at all, let alone understanding Zeze's mind.
Before Ze Ze could sing two sentences, he triggered his father's violent temper, and his father beat Ze Ze with a roar and scolding.
Zeze's old injuries were superimposed on new ones, and his heart was cold.
Since then, the boy who can find happiness in the dull days has disappeared, replaced by a dull, lifeless shell.
Every child has the instinct to be happy, but the existence of "disinterested" education makes happiness disappear, and the parent-child relationship will naturally not be harmonious.
A few days ago, I saw a hot topic on Weibo #That's why I blocked my parents#, which sparked widespread discussion.
Netizens showed the reasons for blocking their parents in the video.
When she was a child, she painted a very satisfactory painting, hoping to get her father's praise, but her father said coldly:
"What's the use of you drawing these? Can't rely on this to eat in the future? ”
She showed the funny video to her parents, and her father reprimanded:
"Why laugh so loudly at night? Just know the shouting. ”
She showed her mother photos of her travels, but her mother disliked her smile:
"Why do you say you always purse your lips and smile, how ugly it is."
Gradually, the girl stopped sharing her daily routine with her parents and always quickly hid in her room when she returned home, and her parents accused her of indifference.
If you ask your parents, "Do you want your child to live happily?" ”
I believe that no parent will give a negative answer.
However, the truth is that parents unknowingly deprive their children of the right to be happy.
Whenever the child is happy, the parents are like enemies, hurriedly pouring cold water and beating the whip, for fear that the child will get carried away.
Over time, the child will slowly curb the pleasure factor in the body and give birth to the cognition that "I don't deserve to be happy".
"Unhappy" education, so that children are trapped by internal friction
Fa Xiao Yiru was deeply affected by the "discouragement" education, and she was still tormented by residual poison when she grew up.
She plucked up the courage to sign up for the selection of the school choir, and her mother mocked:
"You better not go, just your broken voice, it's not shameful enough to go up."
She got up early and studied hard, and finally became the second in the class in the final exam, thinking that she would be praised by her parents.
As a result, my mother frowned and said, "There is nothing to be happy about, it is far from the first place." ”
Dad also echoed: "That is, you really have the ability to take the first place in the exam earlier." ”
In the long-term cynicism of her parents, Yiru gradually lost herself and really thought that she had many shortcomings and was even more unworthy of excellence.
Education expert Zhou Hong said:
"Most parents in China have their index finger too developed and point their children at every turn to pick out their shortcomings."
The disheartening and derogatory words blurted out by parents will become sharp blades, cutting away children's self-esteem, confidence and courage, leaving wounds that will not heal for life.
After growing up, Yiru was often depressed, self-doubting, and fell into the quagmire of screwing and inferiority.
In the marriage, she encountered betrayal, but did not have the courage to leave her cheating husband, was hurt again and again, and chose to forgive again and again.
Because in her cognition, the unhappy marriage must not be a person's fault, and she herself has an unshirkable responsibility.
At work, her carefully planned plan was copied by her colleagues, but she did not dare to stand up to protect her rights and interests, and chose to secretly suffer a dumb loss after a thought struggle.
I think of a quote from the psychological master Gilligan: "Parents are born hypnotists for children." ”
Indeed, only if parents do not sweep their children's happiness, children will learn not to sweep their own happiness in the positive feedback of their parents.
When the conflict comes, the child will not confront himself and will not let himself sink in internal friction.
"Discouragement" education forces away children's internal drive
I once saw a video in which the girl struggled to play the violin, and she wanted to give her mother a birthday gift - the violin played "Happy Birthday Song".
She thought that her mother would not be able to suppress the joyful exclamation: "My God, it's Happy Birthday Goye!" ”
However, Mom's first words were: "You can pull better." ”
The girl argued for it, just to get a good praise from her mother.
My mother still kept criticizing, and said sternly: "When you perform at your best, you can get my approval." ”
What a suffocating response the mother gave it, and the girl's enthusiasm instantly dropped to freezing point.
In the end, the girl could only say helplessly: "I don't want to play the violin anymore." ”
The mother meant to push her child to improve, but in the wrong way.
"Discouragement" education brings not motivation, but resistance, which will force away the child's internal drive.
The story of Fan Chengjin, a "senior gnawing old man" reported by the "Psychological Interview" program, is embarrassing.
Her parents had high hopes for Fan Chengjin, and in order to make her not proud and productive, her parents often picked on her and denied her.
As soon as she learned to write, her father pointed to the workbook and said, "What are you writing?" Ugly to death? Quickly wiped the rewrite. ”
She happily shared her design with her mother, but her mother said, "What's the use?" Read a book and go! ”
After graduating from college, she found a job she liked, and her mother pointed to her nose and scolded her:
"The work we can do after high school, our hard work has been in vain. You will do it in the future, and I will kneel for you. If you do something, a dog can do something. ”
Finally, Fan Chengjin lost more and more motivation in the blows and denials of her parents, and finally, she stopped looking for a job and gnawed at the old age for 10 years.
In real life, there is no shortage of such parents:
While they discourage the child's interest, they complain that the child has no internal drive and is not interested in anything.
In fact, children's internal drive is generated and slowly condensed in the parents' non-disappointment, non-denial, permission and respect.
Allow children to do what they like, constantly give children support and encouragement, do not need parental pressure and encouragement, children will also have a steady stream of motivation and courage to ride the wind and waves.
Parents know how to empathize in order to enter the hearts of their children
Previously, there was a video on Weibo "What is the experience of having parents who are not disappointed", which touched countless netizens.
In the video, the girl quits her job without income and works on the floor in the house rented by her parents, who understand her and never speak coldly to her.
The girl is hungry in the middle of the night, and her mother will go downstairs with her to buy food, ice cream, late-night snacks, as long as it is her daughter's liking, her mother will accompany her to the end;
The girl put on a strange makeup on a whim, and the father will not accuse after reading it, but will only laugh with his daughter;
Girls buy gifts or take their parents out to a big meal, and the parents never complain about their daughter's waste, but enjoy it;
They always chat like friends, share interesting things and delicious milk tea...
The girl's family is not rich, but many netizens sighed with envy:
"Your spiritual abundance surpasses many."
"This video makes me more envious than the rich second generation showing off his wealth and drying bags."
Indeed, being able to receive the unconditional understanding and support of parents is undoubtedly the happiest thing for a child.
The book "Empathy" says:
"Without empathy, we can't find support, encouragement, warmth and love for each other."
Parents who are not disappointed are parents who know how to empathize deeply, and they have the greatest empathy for their children's joys, angers and sorrows.
Parents who know how to empathize are more likely to enter the hearts of their children.
May parents strive to respect their children's likes and dislikes and help their children have a successful experience;
May the children, with the help of their parents, forge ahead on the path they like.