"The child raised with blood and sweat actually broke off relations with me after becoming a talent?" Whose fault is it exactly?

Text | Rice grain mother

This topic, Mi Li's mother wanted to write about for a long time, and the reason why it was put on hold for so long was because it was a difficult problem for parents to face.

I saw such a story on Zhihu.

Let's start with the ending.

The mother complained that her hard-working daughter was too cold, and although she gave money, she would only call every New Year's holiday, and she would not spend more than a week at home throughout the year. It is not at all like the daughters of other people's families who take their parents to heart, and it is better not to raise them if they are raised.

I think the subtext of this mother is: I worked hard to raise her daughter into a talent, and as a result, she raised a white-eyed wolf.

Is this the case?

Let's take a look at my daughter's statement first.

When my daughter was 10 years old, the school held a choir competition on Children's Day, requiring every student to wear a white shirt and black pants.

She has good grades, a cheerful personality, and is also the entertainment committee member of the class, so she was arranged by the class teacher to stand in the middle of the first row.

This is a good thing, the daughter is very happy, and she told her mother about it as soon as she went home.

When she told her mother that her good friend's mother had bought a white shirt and black pants for only 28 yuan, and wanted her mother to buy a set for herself, all she got was a cold sentence: "Don't buy it!" ”

The daughter thought that her mother was in a bad mood that day and rejected herself, so she thought about mentioning it in a few days when her mother was in a better mood.

However, no matter whether her mother is in a good mood or not, how many times she mentions it, the answer she gets is still "don't buy".

Even if she races against time every day to finish all her homework before school, and takes the initiative to help work as soon as she comes home, begging many times, her mother is determined not to buy it for her.

In desperation, she begged her father to buy it for herself, but his father only said three words: "Find your mother!" ”

There is no way, I can only borrow it.

Because the choir competition was held in order from first grade to sixth grade, the daughter found a second-grade and a sixth-grade classmate to borrow clothes, and the reason why she borrowed it with two people was to provide an extra guarantee.

However, on the day of the choir competition, the two classmates refused to lend her, and found other students, and no one would borrow it, and in the end, she could only sing on stage wearing blue clothes and gray pants.

Think about how embarrassing it is to have a white shirt and black pants on the stage, only she wears a blue shirt and gray pants, and it is not an exaggeration to say that it is a matter of seconds.

Because of the untidy costume, the class was deducted points. The class teacher accused her, and her classmates did not welcome her.

As soon as she entered the door, she heard her mother ask her triumphantly: "Did you have any lessons?" Obey or not! ”

The daughter broke down at the time and asked her mother, "Why did you do this?" 28 pieces is not unaffordable, why is it so embarrassing to me! ”

Mom said the reason, it's just a small thing in life.

For the mother, it is not important to do big things or small things, the most important thing is that the daughter must know how good she is, and the family has the final say.

The 10-year-old could not resist the adults, and the only thing her daughter could do was run to the woods behind the house and cry.

Since then, the daughter has changed, no longer lively and cheerful, becoming introverted and silent. The only constant is that the results are still good, if not better.

So, when my daughter grew up, there was the opening scene.

The daughter said, "When I was 10, you didn't have a daughter. ”

Do you know how her mother reacted after listening to her daughter's bloody recount?

Mom said disapprovingly: "Just for such a little thing, you actually remembered it for so long." ”

Just for that little thing?

Just for that little thing?

We might as well substitute the perspective of a 10-year-old child and experience her:

humility when she pleases her mother for 28 bucks of clothes;

helplessness that has been repeatedly rejected by parents;

anxiety when you can't borrow clothes;

the shame of standing on stage that cannot disappear;

the shame of being accused and ridiculed by teachers and classmates;

Desperation when mom triumphantly wants to teach her a lesson.

Don't hide from everyone, Rice Mother felt breathless.

It is clearly a legitimate and reasonable need, but it is not given the most basic satisfaction.

Watching your child panic for 28 yuan for more than ten days, are you happy?

In front of the teachers and classmates who get along with the child day and night, the self-esteem is shattered into slag, is it very painful?

Seeing that the child was heartbroken, she asked her "whether she was convinced" or not, was she very relieved?

Because he is dissatisfied with his daughter, he uses the power of an adult to wantonly trample on his daughter's self-esteem and self-confidence; Taking advantage of the child's weakness that cannot survive independently, the mandatory "punishment" of the daughter is essentially the bullying of minors by adults.

For her daughter, after that incident, she was no longer lively and cheerful, and became taciturn; Even if she grew up, she didn't dare to stand in the middle when taking pictures; The university specially enrolled in psychology to heal his childhood self; Even if you have become a mother, as long as you think of this matter, you still can't help but burst into tears.

Is something that affects a child for a lifetime really a little thing?

Rice grain mother knows that every time at this time, someone will stand up and say:

"Isn't it all for the good of the children?"

"It doesn't matter when you are a child, you can't manage it when you grow up!"

"If parents don't teach a lesson now, will they suffer losses after entering society?"

Leaving aside whether this makes sense or not, it doesn't make sense at all.

Hope the child is good, just humiliate, ridicule, economic sanctions on TA?

Afraid that the child will grow up and disobey, just knock out the child's self-esteem when he is a child?

Don't want your child to suffer losses after entering society, so you bully your child from an early age and give him a preventive shot?

Where is this raising children, it is "boiling eagles"!

Parents use their power, strength, and status advantages to "survive" until their weakened children give in.

Everyone knows that a tree can grow from a sapling to a towering tree, and can stand tall in the wind and snow, relying on giving sufficient sunshine, rain and fertile soil when it is a small sapling, rather than planting it on desolate and barren land to experience wind and frost, rain and snow.

But when it comes to the child, all harmful behaviors are glorified as "for the good of the child".

After the child was full-fledged, far away from the family, and indifferent to his parents, the parents were aggrieved and puzzled: "Remember a little little thing until now, white-eyed wolf!" ”

They all say what causes are planted and what fruits they bear.

Why are parents so "confused" when it comes to parenting?

Please keep this question in mind.

Writer Wang Shuo grew up in a Beijing compound. Dad is a soldier, Mom is a doctor.

Dad taught him to be very simple and rude, one word - hit; His mother demanded that he be perfect in everything and not make a single mistake.

The word "love" is not in their understanding, for his father, beating off all the child's self-esteem, beating the child does not dare to cause trouble outside is love; For his mother, it was always right to have a child and it was love.

In the "Letter to My Daughter", Wang Shuo wrote:

I don't remember loving my parents.

When I was young, I was afraid of them, and when I was older, I began to annoy them, and then I was a needle against Mai Mang, and I would quarrel when I met.

Then he couldn't look at them and avoided them.

On the one hand, I feel that I have a responsibility to them and should be kind to them, but I just can't do it, I can't pretend to be it.

Later, when I thought about them, I felt sad.

When he was asked if his mom was proud of his literary achievements, he said:

"I don't allow her to be proud of me, don't allow you to be so greedy for heaven and merit, I grew up by myself, filial piety is okay, but I am absolutely not smooth."

Wang Shuo has never received unconditional love from his parents and does not know how to express love to his daughter.

In his daughter's upbringing, he rarely accompanied him, and although he tried his best to love his daughter, he didn't know how to do it. As a father, he became the kind of adult he hated the most in his youth.

Wang Shuo's experience represents thousands of children who have not been truly loved by their parents, and after becoming parents, they will not love their children.

It's not about mental cognition, it's about personal experience. For example, a person who has never seen or eaten braised pork, no matter how detailed you describe it to him, he can't make braised pork.

They will unconsciously repeat their parents' parenting methods and let the hurt be passed on from generation to generation.

What they used to be dissatisfied with their parents has become dissatisfaction with their children.

Another point is that it is difficult for many parents to admit it.

Subconsciously, parents are jealous of their children.

Rice grain mother often sees such messages in the background:

"I was hurt by my parents when I was a child, and I vowed to love my own children well, but when I became a parent, I learned that when my children are disobedient, they are really disobedient, so they can talk and discuss it well, and they have to fight a few times to be obedient."

You see, this parent has realized that he cannot treat his child roughly, and wants to make up for his inner childhood trauma by treating his child well.

But in fact, seeing children being treated carefully and gently can also inspire imbalance in the hearts of parents:

"I was violently beaten and scolded when I was a child, why can you be treated gently?"

"I couldn't eat enough when I was a child, and you still don't like strawberries to be sweet enough?"

"When I was a child, I stayed up late to study for exams, and I spent so much money to tutor you, you still don't want to take it?"

I think of the words of psychologist Zeng Qifeng: "Parents will let their children repeat their own trauma, so as to cultivate their children to be the people who understand themselves best." ”

Mother Migrain said that this is not to condemn anyone, but to remind the former children who have become parents:

Good education does not mean how advanced educational concepts we have learned, how much energy and financial resources are invested for children, nor how much effort is made to cultivate so-called good habits.

Instead, love children steadily, give them a sense of security, catch their emotions, do their confidence, do not destroy their curiosity and desire to explore the world, and let them become children with sound personality, love and courage.

And, love ourselves well and cut off the hurt passed from generation to generation.

Personal profile: @米粒妈爱分享 rice grain mother, American returnee, Haidian parent. Focus on learning dry goods, educational experience and further education.