Author: The main creative group · oh mother
Every time I chat with the parents around me, as long as the topic is related to the child, there will be countless anxious voices -
Parents with average education level feel that they cannot teach and are afraid that their children will be at the bottom of the class;
The child's grades are good, but the parents are worried that they will not be able to compare with others in high school;
Children who have already gone to college, majoring in liberal arts, and their parents feel that it is not good to find employment after graduation, and they have been sighing ...
I'm really afraid that if I stay for a long time, I have a first-year junior high school student, and I have to doubt life every minute.
Anxiety, a word that has always lurked in the parent community, reflects the most painful and tangled situation of contemporary parents raising their children.
How many parents are eager to use their own resources and financial resources to pave a good road for their children, hoping that "the youth is better than the blue".
But helplessly found that the more nervous, the more strenuous, the less motivated the child.
It is better to lie flat than to cooperate with the steps of parents.
What's the problem? As parents, how should we raise children wisely and really accompany our children to grow up?
It's time to face up to this embarrassing state of education.
Chinese parents generally have educational anxiety
Scholars from Renmin University once did a study after the "double reduction" and found that children's academic burden did decrease, but parents' anxiety symptoms increased significantly, with an increase of about 12.8%.
At the beginning, the "chicken baby" trend was prevalent, and many parents tried their best to help their children find resources and not let their children "lose" to others.
Now that the channel of "chicken baby" has been lost, the child has suddenly become more relaxed, but the burden on the shoulders of parents has become heavier.
As netizens said, "reading a good book - going to a good university - finding a good job - having a good life" is the path with the lowest cost, the highest probability, the most reliable method and the fairest rules for most ordinary families.
Once the child is not in a good state of study and the exam is not ideal, a series of destructive thoughts follow.
Always dissatisfied with the current situation of the child, always worried that the child is inferior to others, afraid that the child will not have a better way out in the future.
In the documentary "Amazing Mother", Shanghai mother Baoni is at home full-time, and at first the requirements for her daughter's education are not high.
But as soon as my daughter went to kindergarten, she saw that other children of the same age would have much more things than her daughter, and her emotions suddenly collapsed, feeling that she would not be more nervous than herself.
In order not to lag behind others, Bonnie turned on the "chicken baby" mode.
Every day, my daughter is required to practice the violin for a long time, and if she is not standing correctly, she will immediately correct her daughter.
As long as her daughter played the wrong sound, she would shout loudly beside her.
My daughter is not allowed to rest, not even for 5 minutes, and I think that my daughter can be successfully admitted to a well-known school.
Many times, the family felt that Boni was not far from "schizophrenia", and even found a psychologist to help Boni.
But as soon as Boni thought that the preparation time was urgent, in case her daughter did not pass the exam, the road behind was more difficult, she couldn't help yelling and losing her temper.
Many parents like Bonnie are deeply trapped in negative emotions such as "anxiety".
To a large extent, I feel that I can provide my child with far more than in the past, and there is no reason for the child to lose to others, as long as he looks closer, the child will definitely be better than now.
Only, they overlooked a problem.
The growth of children does not depend on the efforts of parents alone.
On the contrary, the nervousness, anxiety and irritability of parents have become a pit for children's growth and ruined children's vitality.
The more parents do not "accept their fate", the more the child is rotten and lying flat
Not long ago, I returned to the countryside and accidentally learned that my cousin's junior high school son dropped out of school and was at home, and he stayed in his room all day playing games without leaving home.
In my impression, this child has had good academic performance since he was a child, that is, his parents are strictly controlled.
Other children were scrambling around every day, and he was forced to read, read, and memorize English words early.
In order to give him a better education, his cousin paid him to attend a private school in town, and contacted a private tutor on weekends to tutor him.
Because he was eager to get into a good school and change the fate of the descendants of farmers, the money obtained by his cousin's demolition and relocation was reluctant to spend it himself, and all of it was invested in his son.
I just didn't expect that I would do everything to "force" the child to become a talent, and the result was completely different from what I expected.
The son, who had little time off and could not make friends, became very uncomfortable in private schools, and often went to Internet cafes to play games under the guise of participating in club activities.
Later, when the head teacher found out and called the parents, the cousin was shocked and could not believe that this was the truth.
Seeing the East Window incident, the child did not hide it, bluntly said that "fed up with this kind of life", did not want to study, hated to be motivated, and just wanted to lie at home as a wasted person.
Now, my cousin can't persuade him, so he can only let his son do nothing at home and waste his life.
This is not an isolated case.
Writer Liu Na shared the experience of her friend's daughter, a single mother, strong and hardworking, but personally pushed her daughter into the abyss of depression.
Pulling her daughter to grow up alone, this mother wants to prove it to her ex-husband and to outsiders, so she imposes all her expectations on her originally lively and flexible daughter.
Signing up for such and such cram schools for her daughter, forcing her to learn such and such specialties, requiring her to be in the top three of the class every time.
If the daughter protests and is dissatisfied, the mother will emotionally kidnap: "Is it easy for me to pull you up alone?" It's not all for your own good! ”
Just when she thought that her daughter would have the opportunity to go to Harvard for further study after the college entrance examination, her daughter suddenly lost interest in learning, could not raise enthusiasm for everything, her eyes were dull, she shed tears at every turn, and threatened to commit suicide.
Not all children can thrive according to the blueprint designed by their parents.
When they are wound up and follow the steps, they are destined to become puppets in the hands of their parents, and their every move can only be manipulated by others.
Why didn't the child think about resisting? After all, he also has his own will, cognition and ideas.
It's just that the strength and oppression of his parents have brought him great psychological pressure, and after a long time, he gave up struggling and gave up on himself.
The foresight and wisdom of parents lies in calming their minds
The famous American psychologist Marvin Marshall said:
"When the flowers we plant don't grow as well as we expected, we shouldn't blame the flowers, but look for reasons from our own plantings and other aspects."
If the child's growth is different from what was originally expected, this may not be related to the child, the root of the problem lies with the parents.
There is no doubt that parents love their children's enthusiasm and heart.
But the future creation of children is actually full of uncertainty, not what parents want to do.
Remembering Peking University professor Ding Yanqing's "helplessness" and "complaining" on the road of parenting, how many parents have seen it and felt the same way.
As a prodigy who can memorize the entire Xinhua dictionary at the age of 6, Professor Ding has always been a leader in the eyes of others, and even his wife is an elite graduate of Peking University.
However, his daughter did not inherit the excellent genes of him and his wife in the slightest.
When I first started elementary school, I thought that the classmates around me were all top students, and I could be driven and influenced to some extent.
But helplessly, my daughter is too mediocre, she can't keep up with the progress as soon as she enters school, and she is severely crushed by other classmates, and failing exams is even more commonplace.
Many times, a simple knowledge point, the daughter is stunned and did not understand, so he can only keep crumbling over and over again.
Like most of Chengfeng's parents, Professor Ding once wanted to train his daughter to become a top student and be admitted to Peking University like himself.
However, it turns out that "the probability of my daughter not going to Peking University is more than 95%." This is the way of heaven, no way, you must accept it. ”
He taught his children to change their lives from heaven, but his daughter taught him to learn to accept his fate.
It may sound helpless, but if you think about it, this is the posture and wisdom that high-level parents should have.
Don't always think about beating your child with chicken blood and forcing him to grow up quickly, but face up to your child's current situation and accept his ordinariness and ordinary.
This kind of unconditional understanding and acceptance is not to give up the child and choose to lie flat, but to respect the child's nature and not let the anxiety of the adult world overwhelm the child's heart.
The child's future path has not yet reached one-fifth.
Even if he has not yet achieved amazing results and outstanding performance, he must calm down and believe that everything is the best arrangement.
Many educational methods teach parents to read and communicate with their children.
But the most fundamental key is that parents need to look far, look at their children's current world from a future perspective, and give their children the best support.
Zhao Yukun, deputy director of the Positive Psychology Research Center of Tsinghua University, discussed a problem in "Self-Directed Parenting":
"Why do parents raise their children?"
In his opinion, figuring out this problem is more important than what to do for children and how to be good parents.
Having seen all kinds of anxious and chaotic families on parenting issues, he summed up the following answer:
"Parenting is a process of self-improvement for parents;
Don't try to mold your child into what you want him to be, but help your child become himself.
I believe this is the true parental way to help you free yourself from parenting anxiety. ”
Starting today, let go of stubborn thoughts, smash unrealistic extravagance, and return to the original intention of raising children.
Understand the characteristics of the child, accept everything about him, and believe in the self-meaning that the child shows.
Only in this way can we accompany our children more freely and calmly to grow up and work hard with them.