A child who is open-minded, optimistic and has a strong heart will have a broader and brighter future.
And these excellent qualities are "traced" in the education given by parents.
Author | Peach mother
A few days ago, I saw a data from the Beiyi Child Development Center:
About 100,000 adolescents die by suicide every year in China, with an average of 2 suicides every 1 minute.
Inner chuckles: What happened to our children? Why don't you want to live when something happens?
Some people blame the pressure of learning, some blame electronic devices, and some blame children for their poor ability to bear.
As everyone knows, every word and deed of the child is the shadow of the parents, how you do, the child is like.
As children's writer Lan Xiang said:
The influence of parents on children begins in childhood and accompanies them throughout their lives.
Sometimes a parent's unintentional and small action can have an indelible negative impact on the child.
As a parent, there is no greater wish than to raise a healthy, cheerful and strong child.
However, many times, we as parents are always overwhelmed.
If you also have similar troubles, you may wish to try to say these 3 words less to your child, do these 4 things more, and remember these 5 words, so that your child can have a strong heart in understanding, trust and tolerance.
3 words less
Psychiatrist Professor Susan Foward once said:
Children will always believe what their parents say about themselves and turn them into their own ideas.
Every word parents say has magic, and the closer the person, the more attention should be paid to the proportions of language.
If you want to raise a strong child, parents need to say these three words less.
First, negative words
Do you also like to "motivate" this when educating your children:
You don't know such a simple question? You can only pick up garbage later!
If you can do things, dogs can do things!
On the road to education, parents have a misunderstanding: denying that more children, the child's ability to bear is stronger.
And the facts?
Children are not motivated by the negative language of their parents, but only feel complained and ridiculed.
Just like Ma Fei in "Galaxy Cram School", his classmates gave him the nickname: missing a string.
Even the mother said: "This child is stupid, there is no salvation!" ”
Ma Fei became less and less confident in his mother's denial, and gradually became a "stupid child" with sensitivity and low self-esteem.
The words of parents are a seed, children who are always denied, timid and fearful, unassertive, and they all have a big hole in their hearts that contains their tattered souls.
Second, words of accusation
There is a question on Zhihu: What shadows did your parents leave you?
Gaozan replied: My parents' endless accusations make me live forever in self-doubt.
Oh, yes! Bad words hurt June, but parents like to carry guns and sticks when educating their children:
Wrong is wrong, and quibbling, stupid to death!
Shut up! Why are you just disobedient?
Once upon a time, these hurtful words became the mantra of parents, forgetting that this is also the knife that hurts children the most.
Living under the accusations of their parents, children will doubt the love of their parents, fall into helplessness, and become insecure.
Parents' accusations against their children are the deepest wounds in their children's hearts.
This injury will accompany the child for a lifetime and become a shackle that the child cannot get rid of for the rest of his life.
Third, negative energy words
Two days ago, my daughter suddenly asked me: "Mom, did I do something wrong?" ”
I was surprised and asked her why.
She said:
"Although my mother doesn't scold me, my mother has been sighing lately, saying that she is very tired, there is no money at home, and life is so hard...
I feel like I'm so bad, I must have done something wrong..."
I interrupted the child, took her deeply in my arms, and said to her:
"Baby, I'm sorry because my mother's personal emotions affect you, all this has nothing to do with you, you are great!"
The child was visibly relieved to hear my words, and I suddenly realized:
In daily life, our seemingly random and bland negative energy output is actually very harmful to children.
A child who listens to a lot of negative words, their eyes must see the world as gray.
They are pessimistic and cautious, they dare not put themselves in the spotlight, let alone speak up for themselves.
It is said that "parents hide the future of their children in their mouths".
Those words that hit, deny, and accuse children are a sharp knife and blade, fiercely piercing into the child's chest, shattering the parents' love for the child, and tearing the child's heart that should be strong.
Do 4 more things
The growth of a seedling is the result of careful watering by the gardener.
The growth of a child is also the fruit of parents' careful education.
After becoming parents, we always keep our children under our wings while worrying about whether they will withstand the wind and rain.
What to do about it?
Maybe we can't be perfect, but if we can do these 4 more things in life.
Let the child feel accepted, trusted, and have the confidence to be loved, then no matter how great difficulties he encounters in the future, he will have the courage to face it.
First, respect
There was once a story:
At the Chinese New Year's Eve meal, the family was eating with relish, but the child was sad.
Dad asked, "What are you doing with such a delicious meal?" ”
The child looked at everyone and said softly: "It's too salty." ”
Dad was furious after hearing this: "You dead child, you just don't want to eat!" Get out and stand. ”
That day, he stood at noon under the gaze of all his relatives.
Since then, the child has never said that the food is salty.
After many years, he said: I no longer dare to contradict anyone, and when I grow up, I am used to resignation.
There is such a concept in psychology: the so-called facts are not "simple", it is divided into psychological facts and objective facts.
In the above article, parents believe that the taste of the meal is appropriate, which is the objective feeling of adults.
And the child thinks that the meal is salty, which is the child's subjective experience and psychological fact, and he may be unappetizing when he eats.
At this time, if parents do not think from the child's point of view, the child will inevitably lose the courage to challenge authority in self-doubt again and again.
Sun Yunxiao, an expert in youth education, said:
The premise of educating children is to understand children, understand children, and respect children.
This respect is reflected in all aspects of life, but its essence is respect – respect for what the child thinks is the facts.
Know how to see the world from the child's eyes, reduce the child's self-doubt, make the child more confident, and more courageous to express himself.
Second, awareness
Psychologist Daniel Goleman once said:
Family life is the first school where we learn emotions.
In the eyes of many parents, the child's bad mood is a flood beast.
But I don't know how great it is if parents can detect and respond seriously when children have emotions!
For example, when a child yells that he doesn't want to brush his teeth, stop blaming, this is the beginning of the emotion:
At this time, it is actually the child's "help" signal.
Instead of forcing the child to shut up, it is better to accept the child's resistance and understand what is the psychology behind him.
For example, when your child starts crying, give up stopping it and help your child express reasonably:
At this time, say more to the child: you can be angry, don't suppress it.
In this process, accept the child's emotions and guide the child to release it reasonably, so that the child knows how to manage emotions.
Emotions themselves are not good or bad, but wise parents will find that when their children are "bad" emotional, they really see their children.
If next time, when your child has a different emotion, please respond and help him to your heart's content, after all, such a child, the heart is healthy and flowing.
Third, learn to listen
China Children's Press and Publication Group once organized a survey on the theme of "listening to children's voices":
Of the 20,870 primary and secondary school students who participated, only 26.73% of the children told their parents what they were saying.
"When did that fast-growing child close the door of his heart to us?" This must be a question that countless Chinese parents are puzzled about.
As everyone knows, these are the results of parents' criticism, accusations, and scolding all day long.
I saw a short story on Zhihu.
A mom had a cold and an inflamed throat and couldn't speak.
That day, my daughter complained to her mother after school: "Mom, the teacher is broken!" Then he started complaining about the head teacher.
At that time, the mother desperately wanted to stop her daughter: "You have to respect the teacher, the teacher must do this for your own good." Because of his voice, he couldn't speak, so he had to smile and watch his daughter finish.
When her daughter finally finished speaking, she suddenly hugged her mother: "Mom, thank you!" After listening to me so much today, I am much better now, and I find that I don't blame the teacher entirely. ”
Good parents listen.
Especially when the child is eager to tell, squat down first, close your mouth and listen to the child, maybe you will have unexpected gains.
Fourth, communicate correctly
Only with warm communication can we enter the child's heart.
Doctor of Education Chen Meiling knows this.
Once out, she took her two sons to walk home, and the second son was sleeping in her arms when he was tired of playing.
At this time, the eldest son has been pestering her to hug, seeing that it will be late to go home, many parents will definitely say: "Mother is holding my younger brother, why are you so ignorant?" ”
But Chen Meiling did not do this, but said: "The baby is tired, and so is the mother." What to do? Shall we take a break here? ”
So, she took the child and squatted down to rest.
She said:
Instead of reprimanding the child and letting him sob on the side of the road, understand his feelings, take a break, and let him know that his mother understands me.
Oh, yes! The child is not ignorant, he is just expressing appeals.
At this time, if parents can patiently communicate with their children, let the children feel that their needs are heard, their emotions are accepted, and they are respected and loved.
Then he can also learn to communicate warmly, and become full, strong, confident and strong.
Remember 5 words
Psychologist Zeng Qifeng said:
There is no way for children to grow up, some are just responsible parents, providing stable and healthy soil.
A child's best luck is to have an emotionally stable, peaceful, positive and sunny parent.
Here are five words for all parents:
The first word: steady.
As the saying goes: The mind is the master of all things, and there is tolerance and greatness.
Parents with a stable mentality cultivate children who are confident and sunny, calm and calm;
Parents with turbulent mentalities and children raised are either timid, inferior and sensitive, or stubborn and suspicious, and insecure.
On the road of children's growth, parents must stabilize their mentality, be parents with big hearts, and teach children to be open-minded.
The second word: quiet.
Emotional peace is a must for every parent.
Many parents, when they see their children's shortcomings, can't help but roar, and even loudly accuse their children.
Unbeknownst to me, this is the most wrong method.
The more the child cries, the calmer the parents must be;
The more mistakes a child makes, the more parents have to remain quiet.
In this process, use good emotions to calm the child's anxiety and teach the child how to deal with difficulties.
The third word: kindness.
Every confident and happy child must have a pair of loving parents behind him.
Love here is not the same as doting.
It is not an indulgence of the child for no reason, but a full love and companionship for the child in life.
There is a saying that says:
I would rather children suffer material hardships with their parents than the suffering of lack of companionship in childhood.
The more love, the more confidence the child;
The more companionship, the more courageous the child.
Children who grow up nourished by love and companionship will be born into the sun.
The fourth word: weak.
Good parents always understand the benefits of "showing weakness".
Parents show weakness, not three or four lower, bending to seek perfection, but overcoming rigidity with softness.
Showing weakness by parents is a strategy, a kind of sincerity to open their hearts, and a booster for children to be strong.
Show weakness and the child becomes more assertive.
When parents are weak, children can become stronger.
The fifth word: Rong.
The ancients said: "No one is a sage, and no one can do anything."
The same goes for children.
Every child makes mistakes, but not every parent knows how to be inclusive.
In the face of children's mistakes, parents always subconsciously accuse and yell, which will only increase the psychological burden of children.
Smart parents know how to tolerate and accept their children's mistakes and lead them all the way.
Give it a thumbs up, may our children thrive in love and care, and gradually develop a strong heart.