Who regrets having children or not having children?

There was once a topic that was read 270 million times: Do you regret having a baby?

Of the more than 60,000 people who voted, 23 percent chose to regret it, 32 percent chose not to regret it, and the remaining 45 percent chose the compromised answer: unclear, a complicated feeling.

"I love my kids, but I regret being a mom." On some social platforms where life is shared, there are often similar voices.

"If you can, I advise you to have children sooner." Some of the exhortations from Older Dink are another point of view.

Born or not born, become or not become a mother, who regrets it more?

In 2007, Israeli sociologist Ona Donat started a social survey called "Regret Being a Mother," in which she met a mother who said flatly, "You will absolutely regret not having children!" ”

What exactly do women become mothers? Is motherhood innate? What is the biggest challenge they face?

After five years of interviews and investigations, Donat interviewed 23 women who had become mothers, traced their journey to become mothers, and also investigated how they resolved the contradictions and conflicts in the reproductive process, and completed the book "The Choice of Becoming a Mother".

Ona Dotner | CITIC Publishing Group

Donart found that the biggest pressure on the role of mothers is that in addition to being responsible for childbearing, they are also forced to take care, protection, education and other corresponding responsibilities.

Last year, a news rushed to the hot search, a little late at night in the hospital emergency department, a couple with a three-year-old child to see a doctor, the husband wearing shorts, barefoot standing in front of the window to pay.

Some people praised him, "fatherly love is like a mountain", "the example of a good man", but others pointed out: why is he worthy of being praised for just doing what a normal father should do? And a mother doing this is justified.

In general, the mother is the primary caregiver of the child, and the care of the child is a task that requires attention, patience and reaction, one mother said: "The child's umbilical cord is like a tie around their neck, and this umbilical cord makes it difficult for them to move and leave." ”

Becoming a mom is equivalent to having a 24-hour job.

In an interview with Donat, a mum of four said: "I didn't have a single day of taking care of these children. Every child has a different personality, different needs, and when I go about those needs, my husband thinks his job is to bring the money home. ”

Another single mom, who raises a child alone and whose ex-husband spends a weekend with her kids every two weeks, confessed: "I always pray that this weekend will last a month so I can spend some time on myself alone." ”

The life she longs for is very simple: there is a father who can spend more time with her children, and the mother can spend more time on herself, so that the busy life of caring for her children can be suspended at any time.

Studies have shown that after the birth of a child, fathers have more time to spend overtime, socializing, or new hobbies, and they try to make themselves as good as possible when they are not at work, while mothers say, "I want to go to yoga on the weekend, I want to go out for a drink with friends", which is considered too much of a requirement.

The 23 mothers who participated in the study, whether they were full-time mothers or running on both sides of the workplace and family, said that they were the ones who took on the most responsibility for raising their children.

But it's always easy to forget that while physiologically only mothers can have children and breastfeed, taking care of children is not something that only mothers can do.

When women and motherhood are tied together, another thing is tied up as well: strict rules on "how to be a mother."

The "good mothers" of the past should sacrifice themselves, have endless patience, constantly improve themselves, and take care of their families in a better way.

And today's "good mother" seems to be more difficult to do.

They want to be "hot mothers", both to procreate and maintain a perfect body; but also to be "wise mothers", both to accompany their children, emotional stability, but also can not give up on themselves, and even in some fiercely competitive places, mothers have to learn English and mathematics with their children.

From whether to return to the workplace after childbirth, to how long to breastfeed, from how long to spend on the child every day, to whether you have the heart to choose the best product for him, each choice is a measure of whether the mother is competent or not, and whether she loves the child or not.

Where they are not doing well, in addition to facing "incompetent" criticism, they are also prone to self-blame.

CCTV once interviewed a woman practicing Brazilian jiu-jitsu.

She gave birth to her daughter at the age of 24, and then started the life mode of a full-time mother: every day when she woke up, she took the child and accompanied the child; at noon, she began to study the menu and tried to change the pattern of cooking; after lunch, she coaxed the child to sleep and took care of the housework; the child woke up to continue to play with the child; then prepared dinner and continued to accompany the child.

The child slept, and finally had a little time of her own, she had to read parent-child education books and take online classes of "Bao Mom Parenting" to avoid making mistakes in parenting.

Invisible anxiety and depression made her lose the direction of her life.

The counselor told her that her mother was not perfect, but "peaceful and determined", and after that, she developed her hobbies and practiced jiu-jitsu before gradually coming out of her depressed state.

The University of Washington, based on data from a comprehensive survey of 1,600 working women and housewives, points out that to stay away from depression and anxiety, the most important thing is to get rid of the idea of being the "perfect mom."

In Interviews with Donart, several mothers had a common thought: "I don't regret having children, but I regret being a mother." ”

What is the difference between the two?

One mother said: "I have a wonderful child, he is incredibly beautiful, I love him very much, I have a very close relationship with him, but I regret being a mother..."

Another mother confessed: "I want my children to come into this world, I just don't want to be a mother." ”

They clearly distinguish between the identity of the mother and not the child herself, because the child is beautiful, but the identity of the mother brings them all kinds of constraints, and they must act like a mother, and they can never escape from this identity.

British writer Rachel Kasker proposed the concept of "motherhood punishment", she believes that mothers will encounter systemic difficulties in society, once they become mothers, they will encounter greater pressure in job search, promotion, performance, salary, etc., which is the biggest obstacle for many women in the "choice of becoming a mother".

It is true that everyone is conceived by women, but no woman is born a mother.

Among women, some people like to spend time with their children, but do not want to become mothers, so they turn to the industry where they can interact with their children, or spend time with their families and friends' children;

Some people do not want to have children, but are willing to adopt children who are not related to them;

Some people want to be moms, some people don't want to...

It is important that they have the right to choose and have the opportunity to dominate their bodies, decisions and lives.

They don't get labeled selfish because they don't want to be a mother, and they don't have to live carefully by the standards of a "perfect mother."

Mother's Day is just around the corner, and mothers need not only praise and gratitude, but also support and freedom.

May every mother be herself outside of her role as a mother.

"A man's loneliness is not loneliness,

One person finds another person, one sentence finds another sentence,

It's the real loneliness. ”

Famous writer Liu Zhenyun

Interpretation of "One Sentence Top 10,000 Sentences"

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The author | Kale, write other people's stories well, live your own life.

The anchor | Jiayin, ten o'clock reading contract anchor.

Pictures | Visual China