The inner working method of infant sleep and parenting, attachment theory and magical sense of security

"Let go and cry, is it not insecure"

"Children are timid and afraid of strangers, is not insecure"

"Children are always clinging to themselves, is it not insecure"

"Will sleep training make children feel insecure"

Security is really a very magical thing, often infinitely magnified, as if everything has something to do with him.

But the reality is very bone-chilling, and maybe more than one in every three children is insecure.

What is the sense of security

Security is formed from the long-term development of the child's attachment relationship with the caregiver.

Mary Ainsworth's Stranger Scenario Experiment divides attachment relationships into 4 more types.

(The mother takes the child to a room full of toys, then the stranger comes in, then the mother leaves, and then comes back again after a short separation, observing the situation when she leaves and when she returns.)

Secure attachment: When the mother leaves, she acts uneasy and afraid, and the mother actively greets her when she returns.

Avoidant attachment: When the mother leaves, there will be no obvious disappointment, and the mother will not have much reaction when she returns.

Ambivalent attachment: Collapses when mom leaves, and when mom comes back, shows anger and rejects mom's appeasement.

Chaotic attachment: Sometimes there is avoidance, sometimes there is a contradictory situation.

Secure attachment relationships are safe babies, about 60-70%. (Is it scary, in turn, that 30-40% of children are insecure)

Attachment relationships are formed depending on the first few years of nurturing, but not unchangeable, with 96% of secure attachments remaining as they grow up. 76% of insecure attachments grow up to be insecure attachments.

This explains that the caregiver's parenting style determines the child's attachment relationship, and if there is no drastic change, or if the caregiver does not recognize his own problems and changes the way he raises, the situation will remain.

Of course, you'll also see a quarter of children transition from insecure attachment to secure attachment, so it's never too late to change whenever you become aware of your problems.

Security is the internal strength and the foundation of nurturing

In the Book of the Dragon Slayer in the Heavens, after Zhang Wuji learned the Nine Yang True Classics, it was easy to learn any martial arts.

The essence of "Descending Dragon Eighteen Palms" is the strength of luck, but the change of palm technique is extremely simple.

When you do child counseling work, you will definitely hear statements such as, "My child has this problem recently, what method should be used to solve it." ”

First of all, there will be two problems here, the first "problem", adults subconsciously feel that this is the child's problem, and the second "method" is always looking for a quick solution.

No matter how much you practice the moves, you can't play with power without the support of internal force.

The same method, in two children, may have very different performances and different effects.

Take the filial piety under the stick, the older generation feels that it is impossible to fight without talent, and it is true that under such education, there are many excellent people.

Some people are becoming talented, and some are becoming more and more rebellious the more they fight.

And how to practice internal skills, substitute into the child's perspective, try to understand why the child cries, to understand why the child does this.

I want to buy toys (lipstick), I want to eat candy (hot pot), I want to play a little longer (chasing drama and playing mobile phones), why not? Isn't it easy to understand the needs of adults.

Before the age of 3, when children have no way to express themselves well, of course, they use crying to express their needs.

When the child needs help, he cannot get it from his parents for a long time, he will no longer use his parents as a safe base, and he will form an insecure attachment with his parents.

So to deal with the child's crying, to solve his needs, the child will know that when he needs help, the parents will be there, the parents will become the child's safe base, the child will have a sense of security.

"What to cry, what to cry about"

"Crying and crying all day, crying everything"

Try not to have such thoughts, so that you can deny him and refuse help when he needs help.

Secure attachment and security are the foundations of parenting, and when a child is secure, the method will be effective.

For example, many of them were brought by grandparents when they were young, and only lived with their parents when they went to school, and at this time, parents expected to start disciplining their children, thinking that their children's "bad habits" were spoiled by their grandparents.

Before establishing an attachment relationship, it is hoped to discipline the child, and even deny the person who has an attachment relationship with the child, it is conceivable that the child must be disobedient.

Children's disobedience is not the habit of the elders, it is that the parents do not accept the child and cultivate their relationship with the child.

This is the most common situation, not practicing internal skills, only seeking moves.

Sleep and security

"Falling asleep is different from the environment when he wakes up makes him insecure. If the sleeping environment can remain the same, the vast majority of children can sleep soundly, and they do not have to be vigilant to repeatedly check whether the environment has changed" - Faber Sleep Code.

Falling to the ground and waking up can not be put down, frequent night awakening is a problem of sleep association. Waking up easily at a young age is more likely to be caused by the startled reflex.

Waking up crying before going to bed may be caused by chaotic work and rest or excessive fatigue, so not all sleep problems are caused by security.

"Will sleep training hurt children's sense of security", parents will have such concerns.

Sleep-on behavior training is only a short-lived process of correcting falling asleep behavior, while the formation of a sense of security is a long-term parenting process.

Not all sleep behavior training is rigorous, and I've talked a lot about gentle sleep behavior training methods and how to reduce the negative effects of falling asleep behavior.

But of course good attachment relationships and good moods will make sleep adjustment easier.

Sears said that "sleep training has been around for many years, why are there still children with sleep problems" (roughly meaning, the original words are too lazy to find)

(Does this passage mean That Sears is against sleep training?) I say this against this sentence too? No, no, no, I agree. I strongly disagree with leaving all sleep problems to sleep training, or blindly using sleep training, which will become a long-term parenting effect)

But on the other hand, some people also advocate sleeping in the same bed with milk, but why are there still many mothers suffering, and the baby still can't sleep well.

So going back to parenting as a whole, the effect that one approach may have in a child is the complete opposite.

Each theory has its own research and data, the difference being whether it is useful in the right place.

Joe's dad's broken thoughts

I don't want to overemphasize the sense of security and amplify anxiety, I hope that parents can examine their relationship with their children more rationally and objectively.

My dabao is now 3 and a half years old, and he has begun to enter the emotional sensitivity period, often getting angry or doing it, which is what he is learning to express and control his emotions.

Mommer and I have been told many times that his behavior is wrong and needs to be corrected, so many people only see external behavior and do not pay attention to the child's psychological development.

Of course, my understanding does not mean that I accept it completely, under normal circumstances, I will accept his behavior and guide him to deal with emotions, but when I am really upset, I will still kill him.

(Finally muttered a word, all said to practice internal skills, feel it yourself, don't say I talk nonsense)