Between husband and wife, quarrels and cold wars are inevitable.
When in love, there are contradictions between the two sides, and men are always willing to put down their faces and coax women first.
People who are willing to bow their heads first often mean giving in to the bottom line, but this state does not last long, and it is impossible for the same person to bow their heads first every time.
Especially the longer they live together, the more they care about their dignity and face.
I have also seen the cold war of my parents, they can continue to sleep in rooms for many days, treat me as a messenger, obviously only a wall away, but no one is willing to bow their heads and say a word, and they have to let me call for food.
In the face of this scene, I am actually afraid, afraid of hurting the pond fish and making any party unhappy.
They even asked me if I had to choose one if I was divorced, and I would feel even more upset.
Later, they broke the ice, probably because something had to communicate, and they spoke.
So families with children, the Cold War belongs to the Cold War, don't let the children be responsible for the emotions of adults, they are not tools of the Cold War.
When he grows up, there will also be such a scene when he is in love, and when he has a conflict, he does not want to pay attention to the other party at all, but he hopes that he can first bow his head and be soft, to prove that he cannot do without himself and prove that he is very important.
The two Cold War people are just waiting for each other's love.
And most of the quarrels, at first, are not actually principled.
It may be that the other party does not meet his own needs, it may be that he does not care enough about himself, it may be that he argues because of different views, and no one will let anyone, always have to compete for a high or low.
Losing, for some people, will cause a psychological fear, so they gradually think that their point of view, dignity, winning or losing is the most important.
The Cold War is actually very emotionally hurtful, because both people will go in a bad direction.
Feeling that the other party is unwilling to bow his head means that he does not have himself in his heart at all, and since this is the case, he does not have to insist on it anymore.
People's feelings are hotter and more intimate, colder and farther away, so it is particularly important to learn to communicate calmly.
And quarrels, breaking the ice after the Cold War, you need to deal with your own psychological obstacles, let go of some unnecessary feelings.
01
Let go of dignity
People who care about face, quarrels with their partners are usually unwilling to bow their heads first, thinking that bowing their heads means that they have lost, and are afraid that the other party will be more inching forward.
Of course, this matter should be analyzed on a case-by-case basis, and the question of principle should be discussed differently.
The trivial things in life, the short arguments among parents, the position of the mother-in-law relationship, no matter what kind of contradictions are encountered, harmonious communication is very important.
We all suffered for face, dignity, and made our feelings worse and worse in the Cold War.
People must have a self, face and dignity are part of the self, depending on how to choose, whether to insist on the self or compromise.
Only when you don't like it so much do you feel that your face is more important than your feelings.
The first time I fell in love, I always had a mantra when I quarreled: "Don't talk to me, I don't want to talk to you!" ”
But the other party did not stop talking to me, still looking for me, I feel safe, as if he could not leave me more.
After a long time of interaction, when there was a contradiction, I still blurted out that mantra, and people really didn't talk to me.
When he began to insist on his own opinion, I felt unloved, so I also found a reason to talk to him and asked him what he was going to eat for dinner, and he responded normally, and instantly felt that he was in a much better mood.
It turns out that opening your mouth first does not make people feel that they have lost face, but there will be a sense of relief and ease.
When the Cold War hurts your emotions, you may wish to find an opportunity to defuse this silent struggle!
02
Let go of winning and losing
Both populations are good, have similar personalities, have the same interests, and are not soul mates.
Some opinion arguments can also hurt feelings, such as the popular male and feminist disputes on the Internet, and many couples break up because of such opinion disputes.
Because it is easy for people to take a stand and will favor views that are beneficial to themselves.
Now people are in love, social accounts are related to each other, share with each other, see some words that feel favorable, and hope that boyfriends can also see it, so they will share it with each other.
And the boyfriend, in the hot love period will also consciously echo the girlfriend: "Well... This blogger is right! The good you share makes sense. ”
In fact, men will also see the opposite statement from different sources and feel that it is very reasonable, he superficially accepts his girlfriend's point of view, does not mean that he also accepts it in his heart.
I have seen a boy spit on his girlfriend, saying that she always shares some of the remarks about how men love women, why not share that women love men?
He felt his girlfriend was too selfish and planned to break up.
In reality, when it comes to male power and feminism, it is not clear at all, but it will always cause each other's fierce emotions, making the relationship worse and worse.
It is difficult for people's cognitive systems to integrate with each other, and we cannot change each other at all.
Arguments between positions can be desperate, because no matter how much they argue, he's still him.
And we just want to accept the man who even has to submit to me in cognition, and once he insists on his opinion, we stubbornly think that there is no future for two people.
Therefore, when couples are stuck in cognition, they must think clearly about what they want.
It's intimate relationships that often require inclusion, not always as you wish.
Analyze your own needs, if you disagree and can't accept it, then don't change it, and choose people whose cognition is relatively consistent.
Then, in the case of major cognitive agreement, the remaining less important opinions can be compromised, let go of winning and losing, and put down face.
Letting go of winning and losing will not die, but losing feelings will make people regret.
03
Breaking the ice lies in the right communication
The Cold War is a game of between whoever persists in the end is the winner, but the truth is that both sides lose.
Often the Cold War makes people feel unloved, and many people will think of finding a new object.
The Cold War does not make people look noble, but it becomes alienated.
We always want to be valued by a person, to let go of everything and surrender to me, and stubbornly think that this is really love.
In fact, two people who do not compromise with each other are love beggars, because they are waiting for each other to give love first.
During the Cold War, we must first see our own demands and each other's demands and emotions, and after dealing with our own emotions, we must then communicate with each other on the issue in a targeted manner.
In the process of communication, if it is normal for him to have the emotion of resistance, you know that the person who can give him the space to vent his emotions is actually in a higher position.
When we can give automatically, it is a gentle tolerant force, showing weakness, softness, and in the eyes of the strong is a kind of compatibility.
Love flows from high to low, a natural flow.
The person who takes the initiative to break the ice, he is not afraid of losing face, does not care about winning or losing, does not care about whether there is self, is fearless and sincere in his heart.
It is not hard and concave, unwilling, communicating with the other party with an abacus, and then arguing again on the same issue.
In a relationship, to face the problem squarely, stand in a higher position to look at the problem and the other party's emotions, communication will become easy.
The existence of tolerance problems, differences in cognition, and even the active cold war of the other side.
With tolerance, the cold war and quarrels will be reduced, the flow of feelings will be more harmonious and smooth, and naturally there is no need to break the ice.
The premise of doing this is to make yourself full of love, less self-grasping, and more taking care of each other's feelings.
Feelings are the most important not to calculate the triviality, how big the heart is, how much love there is.
Author | Fei Yu A person who likes to explore himself, with growth as the goal, experience as the road, sincerity as the heart, and live a life of maximum freedom.