When the child threatens you with crying, this action of yours affects the child's life!

After dinner, I took my son for a walk in the neighborhood, passed by the door of a convenience store, and saw a little girl, pulling the corner of her mother's clothes, crying and trying to drag her mother to the place where the store sold candy.

At first, the mother stood still, and after several unsuccessful persuasions, she suddenly broke her daughter's hand, said nothing, turned and walked away quickly, and quickly disappeared into the corner.

Finding that her mother really "disappeared", the little girl shook her head and immediately rushed out, shouting "Mom, Mommy..." while tearing her heart out, while frantically chasing in the direction where her mother left, the fear was clearly visible on the little face of the crying flower.

Looking at the little girl's staggering figure, the son said, "Her mother doesn't want her anymore." ”

Like the little girl, the son could not understand that it was just a "strategy" for the mother to establish rules, and all they felt was a deep fear of abandonment.

In this contest for control, Mom won easily with just one decisive turn.

02

Every parent has been "blackmailed" by their children's crying, and some parents always can't help but compromise with their children.

Smart children know that they have a "magic weapon" to win, as long as they keep crying, they can always get what they want.

Compromise and coddling are likely to create a wayward "bear child".

I don't want to be blackmailed by my child's crying, but I can't compromise and scold, so many mothers have adopted a seemingly effective method: ignore it and just walk away.

The child is crying at home, walking away, ignoring him, crying tired naturally stopped;

The child was crying outside, walked away, ignored him, and found that the adult was gone and naturally followed.

Like the little girl who asked for candy, her mother's disappearance made it impossible for her to grasp the candy of her heart again.

This method of dealing with cold violence is as simple and direct as the popular "cry immunization method" in previous years.

However, in recent years, the damage caused by the "cry immunization method" to the child's psychology has been verified by more and more psychologists, and the most direct and powerful evidence is the proposer of the educational theory basis of the "cry immunization method" - the American behaviorist expert Watson, whose children committed suicide under this indifferent parenting style, the eldest son committed suicide, the second daughter committed suicide many times, and the younger son has been wandering and barely surviving by his handouts...

The child uses crying to threaten the mother, but the sudden disappearance of the mother is not a threat to the child? The fear of losing a mother is more lethal than the crying of a child.

Perhaps, the child will soon stop crying and become "very well-behaved", but not because he has learned the rules, but because "my mother does not want me." ”

Children who are often caught up in such uneasiness and fear are always insecure in their hearts.

03

Once, I used the same method for my daughter.

From about the age of three or four, my daughter began to cry, went to the supermarket to buy various toys, even though there were already a lot of similar ones at home, after being rejected, I cried and cried, I turned around and left;

Refusing to sleep at night, putting her outside the bedroom, I closed the door and went to bed by myself;

Every time I use this trick, my daughter will soon stop crying, and even if she can't hold back her sobs, she will obediently cooperate.

My daughter is becoming more and more sensible, and I am secretly happy.

Until one time I went on a trip with my aunt alone, and when I came back, my aunt said to me: "This child is too painful, young age, always cautious, afraid that I can't please everyone." ”

I suddenly realized that my rough and indifferent education style has been hurting my daughter's little heart that longs for love, making her so sensitive and fragile, cautious, insecure and lacking insecurity and belonging.

Maybe after I left again and again, my daughter had already understood that I was just "scaring" her, but she was still afraid, in case one of them became true, in case I really abandoned her, because I was afraid of this one in ten thousand, she would rather compromise ten thousand times and always be a sensible and good child.

In this contest of control and anti-control, parents use love as a weapon to make their children give up resistance, however, it is a conditional love.

The famous educator Yin Jianli said in "The Most Self-Conscious of Free Children": Conditional love, its essence is selfish - then it is selfishness that adults teach children.

Perhaps, after a few scares, some children understand that their mothers just pretend to disappear and are no longer afraid, but the intimate trust between children and their parents has been destroyed, and all your next education methods will be greatly reduced.

The connection with the parents is an important way for the child to feel love, when the child cries, the departure of the parents, the indifference and indifference to the child's emotions and needs, directly cut off the love connection between the parents and the child.

For children, no response is a hopeless situation.

04

We all know that when a child cries for some unreasonable need, it is the best time for us to establish a sense of rules for our children. However, for parents, the difficulty is not to teach their children rules, but to give love and rules at the same time.

Professor Li Meijin said that for crying children, "four don't do only one thing":

Don't fight, to the big bully the small, unfair;

Do not scold, will give the child a bad example;

Don't say, the child is making a fuss, can't listen, talk more will make the child think that you are asking to coax him;

Don't walk away, because walking away becomes solitary confinement, which is called punishment and has no educational significance;

Do only one thing, that is, be sure to accompany him and tell him: This is not right, you want to make trouble. Wait until the child's emotions have completely calmed down before communicating.

Accompany but don't compromise, let the child know that you love him, but for his request, the answer is "no".

Jia Jingwen's treatment of her daughter is exactly this way of education.

Before going to bed, he refused to sleep and clamored to go out to eat apples. Jia Jingwen calmly said "no", closed the door before She went out, and cried bitterly.

Jia Jingwen said to Jia Jingwen, "No, it is useless for you to cry." Still insisted on not opening the door, and then stood quietly next to the sound of the door.

After crying for a while, she gradually quieted down, Jia Jingwen picked up The Sound, gentle and comforting, and quickly lay down on the bed and fell asleep peacefully.

A gentle and firm positive discipline approach allows children to feel connected and loved despite rejection.

05

Sometimes, a child's attachment to something is not just to want it, but to prove his parents' love for him.

It's like a balloon that has lost its pull line and is floating around, and it needs to find a landing point. So through repeated willful tricks, to test and prove that he is loved.

At this time, in the child's mind, a formula is automatically generated: what I want, what you give me = you love me. So the company of parents every time I cry becomes crucial.

The more the child cries, the more he cannot turn a blind eye.

I once watched a short film "I Need You, Mom", in which every child is saying: Mom, I need you.

"I want what I want, when I want it; I don't seem to have a problem; I need you to tell me how to share my struggles with people; I always think about myself before thinking about others..."

Happy, confused, sad, resentful, all these times, I need you.

When the child is crying and trying to control you, it is when he needs you the most, please tell him in a loving way:

Rules are also part of love. Love and rules, please give him together, do not leave him.