Children are dragging and dragging, lack of time management ability, how to solve?

The original public account of Orange

Encyclopedia of parenting for 0-8 years old

North American full-time baby drivers teach you easy parenting routines

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Almost 5-year-old children, the mother let her go to brush her teeth and wash her face is always rubbing unwilling to go, but also hippie smiley face deliberately do not provoke you to be angry, called many times to reason can not work, often have to provoke adults to be angry before they are willing to go. Usually, it is relatively close to children. I don't know how to solve this situation

Love rubbing is a problem that many children will have, this problem is not big, it seems to be nothing more than two sentences of urging, two more throats. But this problem is small but not small, if the child grinds into sex, everything must be constantly urged to be done, it is not just a matter of spending more effort to urge. Because after school age, the problem of grinding will become more and more acute, which will make the child's learning efficiency and learning habits very bad.

Therefore, the problem of children's love of rubbing must be paid attention to, because the essence of rubbing is that children lack the ability to manage time. Of course, the various abilities of very small children are very weak, and the rubbing is normal, but after the age of 3, we must pay attention to analyzing the characteristics and reasons of the child's rubbing, gradually help him avoid the habit of rubbing, and form a certain ability to manage time, so that the child can also reasonably arrange his time after going to school, rather than everything must be pushed and urged by adults to watch and scold.

In fact, the word rubbing is only a general classification, referring to the phenomenon of doing things very slowly, but there are many reasons for why it is slow, and it cannot be generalized to be classified.

In general, there are several reasons for the friction of children:

☆ Too demanding

The reason for this is not essentially the child's rubbing, but our parents do not understand the child enough, and the expectations generated far exceed the child's ability, and subjectively think that he is rubbing.

For example, wearing a pair of shoes, this process can be complicated for children, including choosing shoes, setting up shoes, distinguishing between left and right, wearing shoes, feeling and adjusting comfort... So he just needs 10 minutes to get dressed, and parents will easily use the standards of adults to ask children, think this is a one-minute thing, I give you three minutes you still can't do well, that is obviously rubbing!

In this case, the child is very wronged. You really can't do it without a standard concubine!

So we should pay attention to observation, when the child is doing this, if he has been very focused and has not stopped, and he is also very calm and has no emotions, it means that he should be at this speed now, and he just needs more time than you expected, rather than deliberately rubbing.

This situation is actually the best to do, just set aside more time for the child, be patient and don't urge him to take it slowly, he will naturally become faster when he is more skilled. Some children are born with a longer reflex arc and do things slower than others, so it is still necessary to respect the characteristics of the child itself and not compare with other children. As long as you are serious and persistent, you should be encouraged.

☆ Difficulties encountered

Many times the child's work is not a problem of slowness, but a problem of stopping, a problem of dragging, and a problem of grinding foreign workers.

For example, if you want to drink the water toilet, you have to scratch your back, or even just sit there in a daze and do boring things, and don't start this task.

This situation is that the child has the emotion of fear, so use the way of dragging to escape, he must feel the huge pressure given to him by this task, or too many tasks, or too difficult, or the process is too uncomfortable, or premonition that he can't do well to be ridiculed and criticized, all kinds of pressure has brought him a lot of mental pain, so that he only wants to do something else, to alleviate and postpone this pain.

At this time, it is only to let him be faster, which is difficult for him to do, because the root cause of his pain has not been solved. Unless you inflict some behavior on him that makes him more painful, such as scolding and swearing, the child has the lesser of two evils, you can overcome the pain of completing the task.

But although the way to defeat pain with pain is effective, it is like drinking and quenching thirst, because the next time the child still has to face the difficulties and feel painful, unable to solve, still need more external pain to push him to complete the task, so he both hates the urging of his parents, but also has to rely on the urging of his parents. Then the parents and children entered a dead cycle of having to torture each other.

☆ Lack of rewards

Another reason why the child is slow is that he does not do it faster:

Anyway, there are other tasks after doing this task, so what is the advantage of being faster?

Anyway, after doing the task, you still have to accept a bunch of criticism, so why hurry up?

Anyway, after doing the task, I also want to sleep, anyway, I don't want to sleep...

Anyway, this task I just did for my parents and teachers, what do I have to worry about?

All in all, he did not have the driving force to get nervous, resulting in this motivation being imposed on him by the outside world, urging a rush to move, not urging is extremely slow, so the drug can not be stopped, urging has become a daily habit.

☆ Be labeled

If you repeat the child's rubbing every day, he will agree with you very much, and set up a rubbing person for himself, and then lie flat from now on, and the broken jar will be broken: Anyway, don't you mean that I rub it! I admit it, and since I think I've rubbed it, you can't hurt me with the crime of rubbing anymore.

So we should look at the child with a growth mindset, he is rubbing now, does not mean that he will rub later. So it's best not to use the word rubbing to accuse the child, but just to describe the child's state at that time, and to put forward expectations: you are doing it slowly now. Mom wants you to hurry up.

Without labeling, children have room to improve.

These reasons are often not separate, but exist at the same time, and will promote each other, forming a vicious circle of more and more urgent, more and more grinding. Wanting the child to come out of this vicious circle, parents just blindly ask the child to "do not" rub is useless, because the more demanding the more emphasis is more labeled, and the child has formed a behavioral stereotype, not rubbing he does not know what to do.

If you want to change your child's habits, you must first change your own habits, which is a more constructive way than to order your child to "not do XX", clearly point out the direction, and specifically recommend that your child "do XX".

So on the subject of rubbing, what we need to do is not to "stop the rubbing", but to teach children to "manage their own time".

Therefore, first of all, we must figure out why the child does not manage his own time, some may be because of his young age and little experience, but the reason for more children is that he does not have the opportunity to dominate his time, and he does not have the opportunity to practice managing time, so he does not know how to deal with difficulties and pressures, does not know how to disassemble tasks, and does not know how to set his own goals for himself, and he does not even understand the concept of time.

Because our parents, whether they are constantly urging and reminding their children, or losing their temper and reprimanding, are essentially managing time instead of their children, and their children are only passively accepting the way you manage him, and they have no opportunity to try to manage themselves.

It is as if parents never give their children money to spend, make all the consumption decisions for their children, but hope that their children can have the correct consumption concepts and habits, which is impossible to achieve.

Therefore, as parents, don't wait for the child to go to school to worry that he is too abrasive, but exercise their ability to manage time when the child is very young, and start from the trivial things of life such as washing their faces, brushing their teeth, eating and changing clothes. Instead of helping them with urging and nagging all the time. When children can manage their daily life time well, after schooling, children can naturally transfer their previous ability to manage daily small things to manage learning time.

So how do you do that?

☆ Give children the opportunity to get to know themselves

Eating, changing clothes, putting on shoes, washing your face and brushing your teeth, packing up your toys... All these daily self-care encourages children to do it themselves, but when children are not skilled in doing this, they must respect his speed and leave enough time for him to take it slowly. Spend 20 minutes fastening a button and half an hour sorting through a few books.

In this way, although it is very slow at the beginning, it allows children to concentrate on experiencing the process of solving problems when doing things, and slowly feel the growth of their abilities. After experiencing this alone many times, he will find his progress and at the same time develop the confidence to do things well – I will definitely be able to do it well! Children who often have this kind of thinking will only want to finish things quickly to prove their excellence, and they will not deliberately drag it.

But if the child is in a state of panic every time he does things, because he is in a hurry to cope with the urging of his parents. He can't understand his own ability, nor can he feel the sense of accomplishment of doing a good job, he only knows that he always does it very slowly, slow enough to disappoint his parents, so he will evaluate himself too low, thinking that he is most likely to do it badly. If the child always thinks that the final result must be tragedy, then his strategy must be to do it as slowly as possible, because this can make the tragedy come later.

☆ Let children learn to control the sense of time of the task

When a child feels more skilled at doing certain daily tasks, we can give him some time challenges in time. Let him feel the pressure of time, if the child can complete faster than usual, we should encourage him well:

Mom is going to pack things now, you come to put on your shoes, it takes about 5 minutes, if Mom packs things you haven't finished, then you have to stand still and I'll wear them for you!

Mom is now going to prepare the books you will read in a while, you come to put away these toys, and when you are finished, you can come to your mother to read! If you can collect it faster, we can read more books.

We're going out right now, you have to hurry up and get what you want to bring, and if we can get out in 10 minutes, you'll get a mom hug and kiss!

Note that when doing these challenges, it is necessary to carry out in the form of games, if the child is successful in the challenge, praise him well, if not successful, do not reprimand, just comfort the child's next effort. Next time we set the standard a little lower, so that the child can more easily challenge success.

If you often do this kind of rush practice challenge in your life, your child will become more familiar with how to make themselves more focused and faster while doing things, and will also be more sensitive to time.

If a task your child can already complete quickly and well on his own, you can practice the multi-task challenge with him, give the child a large chunk of time, let him handle the trade-offs on his own, for example, you have 1 hour now, you have to clean up the desktop, and then change your clothes, the rest of the time is the time you watch TV, and then you arrange it yourself.

Of course, the child may be doing very badly at the beginning, but don't worry, this is his learning process, as long as he is given more opportunities to manage his time, the child will be better and better arranged.

☆ Let the child bear the results of the rubbing

I believe that in real life, there are often rush scenes, rushing to kindergarten, catching trains and planes, rushing to participate in an activity, and so on.

I believe that each of our mothers wants to arrange their lives in an orderly manner, and they are very reluctant to have the problem of being late and making mistakes.

But in fact, there is really no need to be so perfect, occasionally make so many mistakes, so that the child has two times because of the time and greatly disappointed or humiliated experience, but it is very good for his growth.

As long as there is such an experience, the child will understand that the mother is not all-powerful, it is not reliable enough, and she also needs to do her part to hurry up, in order to really catch up with the time, otherwise there will really be very bad things happening. When the child really puts the responsibility of hurrying on himself, he will naturally not deliberately drag and rub.

Orange herself had a nickname called stepping on the bell when she was a child, that is, stepping on the bell to enter the classroom, my mother had to scold me every day to go out, and then rushed into the classroom at the last second, occasionally failed, and was trained by the teacher again, but even so, I would still be lazy every morning, plus all kinds of getting up.

Later, my mother broke down and didn't want to care about me, just called me to get up again, and wouldn't shout the second time. Before she scolded me a hundred times I would continue to sleep, but since I only shouted once, I could not go anymore, no one called too scary, I could not sleep, the problem of lateness was instantly cured.

This is the effect of taking the consequences yourself. Children should be responsible for their own time management from an early age. The more responsibilities he shoulders, the less he will grind.

But the only obstacle here is whether we parents can let go and give the responsibility to our children.

If you can let your child learn to manage some of their own small things before school age, it will be easier for children to adapt to the intense learning life after going to primary school. Of course, if the amount of homework is large, the child is maladapted, and the homework is done for a long time, what we parents have to do is not to urge him to finish it quickly, but to improve his time management ability.

Or the above routines, a truth:

First of all, let the child feel how long they can concentrate when doing homework, how long it takes to write a word, how long it takes to do a math problem, and try to evaluate their ability to control time.

Then let the child do a rough time plan, how long to do language, how long to do mathematics, interspersed with some rest and the like, let the child do the challenge according to this plan, of course, not necessarily strictly in accordance with the plan, but can accumulate experience in planning time, if the challenge is successful, maintain the original plan, and the challenge fails to adjust the plan appropriately. Children will become more and more adept at planning their time.

Finally, give the time and responsibility to the child, let the child bear the consequences of not being able to finish the homework, and do not give him too much external pressure. When the child regards the homework as his own business, rather than the parent's business, he drags or grinds or tortures himself, and the rubbing behavior seems very silly.

Of course, if the child can't finish his homework no matter what, it can only mean that he has encountered difficulties in his studies, not just because of the bad habit of procrastination, we still have to provide support in time to see where his difficulties are, rather than just reprimanding him for rubbing and leaving him alone.

Have you found a phenomenon that almost all children will be criticized for being lazy and rubbing, but few adults will be lazy and rubbing like children, and it is the grown habits of adults that become better, no! Because the lazy grind of adults has another name, called procrastination.

Why is there this shift? Because the child is lazy and grinds to the end, there will always be someone responsible for helping the child to finish; and the adults have to shoulder their own responsibilities, lazy and rubbed no one to the bottom, and finally have to pile together to carry themselves.

Therefore, the matter of managing time is really a matter of cultivating for a lifetime!

Then let the child practice from an early age, don't be an adult to have to make up for this class, this is also a win at the starting line.