Source: Qian Zhiliang Studio (ID: qzlgzs)
Author: Qian Zhiliang
In our conception, "sacrifice" is noble, and people are often moved by the self-sacrificing parenting of their children, thinking that it represents selfless love.
Parents themselves are reluctant to eat and wear, and leave good things to their children;
Parents endure broken marital relationships and want to give their children a complete home;
Parents cut back on their time for studying, working, hobbies, and entertainment, and are preoccupied with their children...
According to a survey, 82% of parents are ready to make sacrifices for their children's success; more than a third of Chinese parents have completely lost their personal time, especially moms.
However, is such "self-sacrifice" really good for children? We may need to think about it for a moment.
01
Self-sacrificial parenting,
Often accompanied by interference and control
Actor Zhu Yuchen's mother said in a show:
"I have spent my whole life treating my son", "I have lived for my son all my life." ”
And she did:
Get up at 4 a.m. every day to boil pear soup for your son, this insistence is 10 years;
Bringing cooking utensils and ingredients, following the crew, tirelessly cooking for his son, cleaning up the house...
Such "selfless" efforts are accompanied by excessive participation in her son's life: not letting the child receive the drama of being beaten, and almost every relationship of the son, she will interfere, so that Zhu Yuchen is still alone at the age of 39.
In the TV series "Little Joy", in order to wholeheartedly take care of her daughter to prepare for the college entrance examination, Song Qian resigned from her job as a gold medal physics teacher, and the focus of her life was all on her daughter.
Under such a "sacrifice", followed by the supervision and control of the daughter 360 degrees without dead angles:
Replace one wall of your daughter's room with glass so you can see what your daughter is doing at any time;
Deprive her daughter of all interests and hobbies other than studying, confiscate Lego, and prohibit her from participating in planetarium activities;
Do not allow your daughter to go to Nanda University, which is far from home, and must let her daughter apply for Tsinghua Peking University...
Suffocating pressure and control have caused frequent conflicts and quarrels between mother and daughter, and the daughter has reached the brink of collapse and suffered from depression.
The philosopher Russell said in The Road to Happiness:
"Parents should not do as much as possible for their children, all self-sacrificing parents, often extremely selfish to their children, will grasp the children emotionally, excessive concern is often a pretense of possessiveness." 」
Self-sacrificing parents, who put their energy on their children for a long time, ignore their own attention and thinking, are often in a state of scarcity, and are prone to the misunderstanding of over-parenting and over-control:
Put your expectations and goals in life on your children, and treat your own needs as your children's needs.
When the child is disobedient and does not perform up to expectations, dissatisfaction and complaints arise in the heart, and "emotional kidnapping" is carried out on the child:
"I'm tired and tired all day, so you take such a few points, is it worth me?"
"If it weren't for you, I would have divorced your father a long time ago."
"If it weren't for taking care of you, I would have gone to graduate school to take the civil service."
In this parenting model, the child is in guilt and self-blame on the one hand, and on the other hand, he cannot bear the interference and control of his parents across the line, and his body and mind are in pain, and his growth and development will be restricted.
02
Self-sacrificing parents,
It will put a lot of pressure and restraint on the child
We all understand a truth: when the cup is full, it overflows, and it is too late. The same is true of excessive love, which the child cannot bear, or rather, the cost of bearing is too high.
We are not unfamiliar with such a scene:
When I was a child, every time I cooked noodles, my mother added two eggs to my children and didn't eat them myself; when I grew up, my family conditions improved, and my mother still treated herself harshly, and was only willing to buy good and expensive things for her children.
When the child sees his mother's "sacrifice", he will feel a sense of guilt, and then form a concept: "My mother has paid so much for me, so great, I can't be sorry for her." ”
Parents' self-sacrificing love hides invisible conditions: you must obey, you must be grateful, you must repay kindness.
This parent-child relationship is unhealthy, and the child passively becomes a "debtor". They often feel a kind of pressure and shackles that accompany them, dare not rebel against their parents, dare not do things that their parents do not like, cannot bear the disappointment of their parents, and worry that they will not be able to repay their parents.
As a result, children are often in a state of gain and loss, afraid that their grades are not good enough to disappoint their parents, afraid that the job they are looking for is not good enough, earning enough, often self-criticism, and never satisfied with themselves... It's hard to be truly happy.
Some parents like to put their sacrifices and efforts on their lips, and then stand on the moral high ground to judge whether their children understand things and whether they should be.
Some children may choose to resist, get out of the control of their parents, and the parent-child relationship is broken, while a larger part of the children choose to suppress themselves, in order to "repay" the way their parents want, it is difficult to experience the real happiness of life.
Educating children is never about emphasizing the unilateral sacrifices of parents. If the meaning and happiness of parents' lives depend on the child, it is a burden for the child.
03
parenting,
Parents should also know how to care for themselves and grow
In life, we often see many mothers give up their jobs, circles of friends, hobbies, and hobbies, take care of their children wholeheartedly, and finally they are exhausted, their children are rebellious and difficult to manage, and they have lost their direction on the road of parenting.
American writer Suz Lula pointed out in the book "Mother's Evolution" that a mother who lacks heart and does not take good care of herself is like a car whose fuel tank has been empty, no matter how hard you press the accelerator, it is just "idling".
Constantly sacrificing and giving, ignoring their own needs, parents can easily feel exhausted and their energy is hollowed out. In this state, there is no ability to give children healthy, free love and proper guidance.
We often say that "love others as yourself", only parents themselves are full of inner strength, in order to better love children, with their own positive state to influence children.
In "The Boy Says", a girl in high school stands on the roof and loudly declares to her mother:
"From today on, I want to be independent, you want to be free, and I want you to be truly happy."
In her opinion, her mother is a "twenty-four-hour mother", and everything she thinks, says and does in life is centered on herself.
Every day at half past five to get up with her, at half past six to send her into the elevator downstairs, and then to take her to school, no matter what she did, her mother was not at ease and wanted to accompany her.
Now mom has fewer friends, interest activities are gone, life is empty and boring, mom is becoming more and more sensitive and vulnerable, and she also "feels particularly depressed."
She told her mother that she would grow up one day and fight for her life, hoping that her mother would return to work, return to her circle of friends, and think more about herself.
In fact, no child wants his parents to sacrifice too much for himself, he prefers to see his parents positive and live his own life, which will give him infinite strength and confidence.
Parents and children, in the final analysis, are two independent individuals, with independent personalities and thoughts, and have their own life topics that need to be explored and completed.
In the early stages of a child's life, parents need relatively adequate love and care in order to grow up healthily and develop various abilities. But as children grow, parents must gradually let go and withdraw, so that children have the space and freedom to explore their own lives and realize their self-worth.
For parents, it is the same, after having children, they cannot shelve their life issues, pin all their wishes and goals on their children, regard their children's excellence as their own success, and regard the value of their children as their own value.
After becoming a parent, you should also do a good job of self-care, self-growth, be responsible for your own life, and strive to find and realize self-worth.
Such an independent and mutually reinforcing parent-child relationship is harmonious and healthy, and parents and children can face each other in a better state.
As Suz Lula put it:
"I've found that my children are the beneficiaries when I care for myself, and I've found that we have to first care for our own hearts at all costs – the core of our bodies, minds, emotions and inner lives.
Our own transformation is the greatest gift to our children to be free to be themselves. ”
Therefore, while parents usually raise their children, they must not forget to love themselves, improve themselves, and balance the time of the two.
When you are tired, you can give yourself a breathing time, relax, do what you like, adjust your state and then face your child.
Click [Watching], I hope that every parent can grow up with their children and harvest satisfaction and happiness from the heart!
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