I saw a video on the Internet and was very touched.
At a parent-teacher conference, a child who had scored a perfect score said to his father in front of the teacher:
"You see Dad, I scored a 100, are you happy?"
Ordinary sentences seem to be filled with the joy of full marks, but the teacher feels extremely sad and desperate.
Unexpectedly, this child did not learn for himself the whole time.
Even if he gets a full score and becomes a bully, he only considers his father's feelings, thinking that "only if I score 100 points, I am a good child."
In reality, it is not uncommon for children like this to like this who like to please their parents.
Everyone is always used to praising them for being well-behaved, obedient, and sensible, thinking that children are older and knowing that they must work hard to repay their parents' cultivation.
But in fact, how many children accidentally fall into the pit of "pandering to their parents" and accidentally live without themselves?
In the show "The Boy Who Opened His Heart", there was a fourth-grade boy named Bounce.
On the surface, it looks sunny and warm, but in fact it is "sensible" and painful.
Seeing mom and dad and sister trying on new clothes, happy to take pictures than "yay", he hid in the corner to write his homework.
There was endless envy in his eyes, but in order not to disturb others, he just watched silently and did not dare to participate.
During the meal, the whole family sat down, and he took the lead in picking up chopsticks and sandwiching the chicken leg for his sister, and did not want to keep it for himself.
Being publicly reprimanded by his father for not being able to operate the gas stove, he was beaten, and he did not have a word to defend himself, but comforted his mother:
"It doesn't hurt my mother, it's all my fault, my father taught me before, I forgot."
What is even more poignant is that he learned that his parents did not take him to Shanghai with him because his grades had fallen badly.
He didn't complain halfway and continued to tell his mother "it's okay."
Seeing the mature temperament that emanated from his hands and feet, it was hard to believe that this was just an 11-year-old child.
Don't say that his mother felt uncomfortable seeing his understanding, even the observers present could not help but be aggrieved for him.
Many times, parents always have the habit of teaching their children to tell him to "be obedient, mom and dad take care of you very hard" and "study hard, good results make us happy and happy"...
These words sound light, but they do not know that in the child's heart, it will become a self-worth conversion.
Sensitive, he will silently ponder the motivation of his parents to ask him to be "well-behaved", thinking that only when he does a good job and strives to cater to his parents, he is worthy of love.
His obedience is only to please his parents, to make them think that he is very good, very worrying.
Since he could not get more extra attention from his parents, he put away his true feelings and put away his grievances and complaints.
He doesn't say it, and his parents won't know his "disguise."
A friend who has been teaching junior high school for nearly 20 years said:
"In the past, I thought that students were obedient and good, not noisy or noisy, did not affect the order of the class, the academic performance was good, and who taught who had a light on their faces."
But after being a class teacher for so many years, I found that those children who seemed to be more sensible were actually the most miserable.
If their parents want them to do it, they will do it, even if they don't like it, they won't express it, and they don't have any opinions of their own.
When they went to high school, went to college, and after graduation, they were also only promises, and the leaders said whatever they wanted.
In the end, even the mischievous kings who were not as good as those in the class. ”
The sharing of friends is not without reason.
I'm a neighborhood kid and that's it.
From childhood to adulthood, she was smart and diligent, her parents were busy at work and often worked overtime, she went home alone, studied, cooked, and took care of her brother.
Sometimes her brother was willful and quarreled with her, and she was never in a hurry.
Misunderstood by her mother that she bullied her brother, she also endured in silence, holding back tears, and did not want to work hard to support her mother and criticized her.
In short, she is a rare "well-behaved girl" in the neighborhood, but she broke out emotional problems in adulthood.
During college, she met a boy, the two of them interacted, and she used the "pleasing parents" set to each other.
Ask her to delete all the opposite sex, she does;
If she wants to move out of the dormitory and live with her, she has no second words;
Until later, she found that the other party had an ambiguous object, and in order to keep the other party, she gave all her savings to the other party.
As a result, he was still abandoned miserably, and as soon as he graduated, he lost his soul and returned home, refusing to show his face for more than a year.
I can't help but think of what the child psychologist Piaget said:
Many children who are very well-behaved when they are young will have various psychological problems when they grow up.
Because they are accustomed to satisfying the wishes of others and gaining the approval of others as the dominant life, they ignore their true thoughts and needs, and they are depressed for a long time and are very painful.
In exchange for love in a flattering way, you will not get true love at all.
These children who suppress their self-feelings think that they can do what others want by constantly giving and using their own goodness.
In the end, it is difficult to lose your truest feelings, and it is difficult to enjoy the enjoyment, freedom and pleasure brought by love.
I know that the last netizen wrote his voice:
"If I can do it all over again, I will tell myself not to be so obedient and rebellious, so that I can win the real love of my parents." 」
What children do not lack is materiality, as well as the teachings and truths of their parents.
What he lacks is the recognition and permission from his parents, the difference in identifying with him, allowing him not to be "obedient" and live for himself.
If so, please teach him in the days to come in this way:
1. Pay more attention to the child and be aware of his feelings
Some time ago, when I attended a family education lecture, the most emphasized sentence by the lecturer was:
"Parents are the psychologists who can cure their children's problems, because everyone lives under the same roof, and parents should know exactly what the child experiences and how he feels."
Most parents who don't realize the problem until later in their child's development are because of a lack of sensitivity to their children.
Thinking that the child does not cry or make trouble, it is all right.
But I don't know that the child has all the negative emotions and terrible feelings in his heart.
But he is always a child, no matter how good his acting skills are, there are also times when he wears a gang.
Therefore, as a parent, we must pay more attention to the child's life, learning, and socialization, and be keenly aware of his feelings.
Only in this way can we adjust educational methods in a timely manner in the case of abnormal psychological or behavioral abnormalities in children to help children successfully pass the most unstable time of growth.
2. Before making a request, listen to what the child has to say
The famous children's educator Wang Sumei told a story in the book.
5-year-old George is very naughty, often asking all kinds of strange questions, and likes to tear down the toys his mother bought, and even wants to dismantle the TV.
The nanny at home would stop him every time she saw him like this.
But Dad was different, never rushing to deny George's approach, but listening to what he had to say first.
In a child's world, what he thinks and thinks is far less simple than what his parents see.
If the child's behavior is judged correctly from the standards of adults, it will often suppress the child's enthusiasm and affect his growth.
After the child begins to have self-awareness, parents should give the child more opportunities to express themselves and let him speak first.
In the case of ensuring safety, parents listen to their children's voices, which is far better than forcing children to listen to themselves and affect the parent-child relationship.
3, the child's expression and expectations are not the same, please "respect" him.
As a parent, it is inevitable that you will demand children from the standards of your own people and the perspective of adults.
When you find that your child's behavior is different from your own expectations, it is often easy to preconceived and deny or criticize the child.
The more this is the case, the more we must know how to think in a different position and consider the problem from the perspective of the child.
Imagine expressing his thoughts with great interest, and as a result, he did not get understanding and respect, but ridicule and insults.
How many grievances will there be in your heart, and how unwilling will you be willing to talk to your parents again?
Professor Li Meijin said: "No matter how young a child is, he has his own will. ”
Respecting the difference between the child and his own expectations, in the final analysis, is the most critical step in allowing the child to live out his own life.
Cai Kangyong said:
"For a child, the most precious thing for a parent is to give him an ideal environment to become himself, not to become the person his parents want him to become."
Deeply.
I believe that every parent will do their best to love their children, nurture their children, and hope that he will become a talent as soon as possible and live a happy life in the future.
But the premise is that he must be allowed to have his own personality, to accept his special, even those unlovable aspects.
I believe that under the correct guidance, they can understand things out of love for their parents, not because they are afraid of their parents' disappointment.