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Bert Hellinger's "The Prologue to Love":
A happy and stable family is mostly the first in the relationship between husband and wife, the second in the parent-child relationship, and the third in the relationship with the parents.
Psychologist Wu Zhihong also wrote in "Why Home Hurts People":
Happy families mostly follow the scientific business philosophy - the core of the family level is themselves and their spouses, followed by children, and then both parents and siblings.
To create a happy family, you must establish correct family values, sort out the "order of love" in the family relationship, and understand that the relationship between husband and wife is the core of the family.
In real life, there are many men who can't figure out the "order of love".
Between the wife and the parents and siblings of the original family, many men will naturally favor the parents and siblings.
After all, between him and his parents and siblings, in addition to the natural blood relationship, there is also a tacit understanding and habit of living together for a long time.
In this case, the wife will feel that she is excluded and alienated, and the relationship between the husband and wife will be affected, becoming increasingly cold, and eventually affecting the harmony of the family.
There is a term in psychology called "the ability to differentiate oneself."
To put it simply, people who are well differentiated in their own self can clearly understand themselves, know where they are, and have their own bottom lines and principles.
Those who lack a sense of boundaries in family relations and cannot sort out the "order of love" in the family are all manifestations of the low level of self-differentiation ability.
01. The husband who can't figure it out
The husband of netizen Liu Mo (pseudonym) is a person with a low level of self-differentiation ability.
Liu Mo and her husband Zhou Yan (pseudonym) are free lovers, and the two have been in a relationship for more than 3 years before getting married. The marriage room at the time of marriage is the down payment paid by the in-laws and hung in the name of the in-laws.
However, the monthly mortgage is overdue.
Zhou Yan also has an older brother, 5 years older than him, who has been doing business abroad for a long time. Zhou Yan and the eldest brother are completely two personalities, Zhou Yan is more stable and introverted, and the eldest brother is more sleek and can speak well.
Before Liu Mo and Zhou Yan got married, the eldest brother's business failed, and the in-laws took the family savings to "fill the pit" for him, the marriage room had no money to decorate, or Liu Mo's family had 130,000 decorations.
The mother-in-law also helped the eldest brother to come forward and borrowed 100,000 yuan from her for turnover.
Liu Mo proposed to Zhou Yan at that time that the 100,000 lent to the eldest brother, plus the 130,000 yuan for decoration, had exceeded half of the down payment of the marriage house, and when the time came, he signed an agreement with his in-laws to transfer the marriage house.
Zhou Yan was reluctant to open his mouth, and let Liu Mo speak to himself and his parents.
Liu Mo knew Zhou Yan's personality, and she directly told her in-laws what she thought. However, the in-laws did not agree or oppose, but just kept playing haha.
Liu Mo was also embarrassed to ask more, and this matter dragged on until after marriage.
02. Million marriage house was transferred by in-laws to big brother
The total price of the marriage house is about one million, 30% down payment, 20 years of loans, and nearly 5,000 yuan per month.
Zhou Yan works in a private company, with a monthly salary of more than 6,000, paid the mortgage, plus his own pocket money, and has little salary left. The living expenses of small families are borne by Liu Mo.
Three months after the marriage, Liu Mo once again mentioned to Zhou Yan about the transfer of the marriage room.
Zhou Yan said that the eldest brother has recently provoked some right and wrong because of business matters, and his parents are in a mess, so don't take the house transfer again and bother them.
Zhou Yan said that when the matter of the eldest brother calmed down, he would talk to his parents himself.
In this way, the transfer of the marriage house has been dragging on for more than two years under the zhou yan and thin mud. Until Liu Mo's baby was one year old, she inadvertently learned that the million marriage room had been transferred by her in-laws to her eldest brother.
Liu Mo was a little caught off guard, and she directly asked Zhou Yan, why is this the case?
Zhou Yan explained that the eldest brother needs funds to do business, and the assets under his name have been mortgaged, and he can only let his parents temporarily transfer the marriage house to him through the method of intermediary advance.
Zhou Yan also said that the transfer of the marriage room to the big brother is only temporary, as long as the big brother's financial problems are alleviated, the marriage room can be directly transferred to the names of two people.
Liu Mo was a little embarrassed, and accused: "Millions of marriage rooms, not a trivial matter, your parents do not consult with me to transfer the house to others?" ”
Zhou Yan defended: "It's not someone else, it's my eldest brother, anyway, I want to help, discuss what to do, superfluous." ”
Liu Mo said angrily, "What if I don't agree?" ”
03. Husband takes it for granted
Zhou Yan looked at her and said reasonably: "The house is not yours, my parents paid for it, under their name, they can arrange it as much as they want." ”
Liu Mo couldn't sit still after listening, the money he had lent to his eldest brother before, plus the decoration money for a total of 230,000 yuan, plus the mortgage repaid in the past two years after marriage...
Liu Mo believes that she has also paid for it, and how to arrange the marriage room must be approved by her. Even if she didn't pay for it, Zhou Yan had to respect her and consult with her.
Zhou Yan was also angry, saying that the money owed by the eldest brother would definitely be repaid, why should the family be so calculated? Is it interesting that there is no family affection at all, no trust at all?
Because of the problem of the marriage room, the two quarreled, and later the families of both sides were also involved, and the misunderstanding became deeper and deeper.
Liu Mo was blown up by the unclear Zhou Yan, and the rights and interests she fought for were closely related to Zhou Yan, but Zhou Yan chose to stand against her own small family?
The two have been deadlocked. Now she lives in her mother's house with her children, and she doesn't know how to end it.
04. Sort out the order of love, and the family can be harmonious
Bert Hellinger wrote in The Preface to Love:
Psychotherapist Bert Hellinger believes that in the family system, there is a hidden order of family relations, that is, the "order of love".
As long as family members can follow the "order of love", everyone can get along harmoniously; if the "order of love" is misplaced, there will be many contradictions and conflicts in the family.
The correct "order of love" should be the first place in the relationship between husband and wife.
When there is a conflict in the family, the husband should first consider the wife's feelings, and then the children, parents, brothers and sisters...
The reason why Liu Mo and Zhou Yan have contradictions is because Zhou Yan blindly stands in the position of the original family and does not care about Liu Mo's rights and feelings, as well as the interests of his own small family.
The correct solution should be to stand in Liu Mo's position and negotiate a solution that liu Mo and the eldest brother can accept through communication.
The Order of Love, written by Bert Hellinger, founder of The Arrangement of Family Systems, is a psychological textbook with multiple meanings.
Through some examples, the book allows the reader to be immersed in the reading, so as to get some inspiration and finally find a solution.
When you look into the order described in the book, love can succeed and the family can be harmonious.
Well, today is here, I hope that each issue of the story can bring friends a little emotional thinking, like Yu'er, please pay attention to me, give the article like collection recommended Oh, thank you we will see you in the next issue ~