Introduction: Cultivating children's independence and autonomy is what every parent wants to do, and they are willing to see their children become an independent person. It should be noted that in the process of cultivation, the language and attitude of interaction with children, and the independence driven by coercive external forces, may only be illusions.
Text/37 degrees warm dad
Yesterday, when chatting with Zhang Jie of the unit, she talked about the interaction scene with her little nephew: "Go downstairs to play, he takes his own kettle." I said, you have to take your own kettle or go out and get thirsty and don't drink water! You're 3 years old and have the ability to hold your own water bottle, and I don't have my hands empty, and you're holding your little school bag. (Snacks, tissues, wipes etc.)"
After Zhang Jie said this, her expression revealed her self-satisfaction: "To cultivate children's independence, we must start from an early age and cannot get used to it." I asked in an inquiring tone, "Sister Zhang, is this a little too mandatory?" Sister Zhang also expressed her own views: "He can take it, but he is too lazy to take it, and tell me that he is in a bad mood!" It's all excuses! Do you know? This little guy followed me for a week, eating, sleeping, reading, and going downstairs to get his own things every day, all of which were cultivated by me! ”
From the tone, attitude, and wording, we talked about the internal and external driving forces, and then talked about compensatory psychology, and Zhang Jie seemed to have some understanding: "When you say this, I think of a child of one of my classmates." This kid, from a young age to school is good, as soon as he went to college, he began to play games, and finally hung up several subjects, and his graduation certificate was not in hand. ”
The child's independence is not developed by the compulsive external force, but by the child's own internalization. If it is independence and autonomy driven by external forces, when the external forces disappear, the independence and autonomy of the child are also gone. The two cases dictated by Sister Zhang are really too representative, let's briefly analyze them.
First, the child mentioned that he was in a bad mood, but was not seen by his aunt (Sister Zhang), but was forced to carry the kettle himself. Because of the influence of attachment relationships, children can only agree with their aunt's views and cannot refute them. To put it tackily: children can't live on their own without adults, so they can only identify with adults and suppress themselves.
Second, the independence and autonomy shown by the child's own behavior of carrying a water bottle, sleeping, eating, etc., may only be an illusion. Deliberately flattering behavior in order to obtain better "survival resources". Survival resources refer to the material resources needed to ensure physical growth and spiritual resources for psychological development and emotional dependence.
This illusion of independence and autonomy, when the external force disappears, will inevitably disappear with it. Just like Zhang Jie mentioned her classmate's son: at home, they are very good, and when they go out to college, they begin to indulge themselves, resulting in college graduation.
So, can't parents demand that their children be independent? No, I'm just saying: you can't ask the child in a coercive way. Good parents will transform their ideas, or children's development goals, into children's words and deeds, through internalized, internalized, intrinsic driving force. To put it simply, what you let your child do, the direction of development, is what the child is willing to make an effort.
I admit it's really hard to do that, but it doesn't stop us from working in that direction! Let's take the interaction process of Sister Zhang and the little nephew to analyze, if it is me, I will first see the child's emotions, and respond to the child like this: "Oh, I know, it turned out to be a bad mood, I don't want to take the cup!" You see my aunt still has our school bag in her hand, which contains the things we want to eat, and my aunt can no longer take it, what should I do? ”
The advantage of this is that the choice is put in the hands of the child and the child thinks about what to do, rather than the adult directly making decisions for the child or forcing the child to do what we say. Sister Zhang's approach is actually her own control over her nephew.
After analyzing the case, let's talk about the relationship and performance of external drive, internal drive, compensatory psychology, and what parents should do to develop their child's internal drive.
First, children who are driven by external forces to do things are suppressed and dare not express their true thoughts. The reason has been explained above, in short, the child in order to obtain better survival resources. When the external drive disappears, the child's motivation to do things will also disappear, and compensatory psychology will prevail.
Second, the internal drive corresponds to the external drive, which is the driving force for the child to like, interest, and curiosity from the heart, and is fundamentally different from the external drive.
With regard to compensatory psychology, it can be an advantage or a disadvantage that hinders development. Compensatory psychology is that in the process of adapting to society, individuals will always have some deviations, in order to make up for this deviation and seek compensation. In layman's terms, it is a person who uses his strengths and avoids his weaknesses to maximize his own advantages.
For example, if someone works hard to surpass others because of low self-esteem and eventually achieves an extraordinary career, this is a positive and positive effect; if you are tired from working every day, stay up late compensatory and retaliatory at night to get more personal free time, this is a negative and negative effect. The reason is that I am expressing my dissatisfaction with my work by staying up late. And this kind of retaliatory, compensatory late night, play, relaxation, like a black hole, infinitely devours our energy, physical strength, and time.
Like the routine of many online novels now: a poor boy, either has an adventure, or is forced to wander away from the "descendants of big cattle", and then through various efforts, becomes a superior person. Embracing left and right, surrounded by beautiful women, there is endless money to spend, and a variety of powerful interpersonal networks. These are also dissatisfaction and compensation for life, in addition to being satisfied and fornicating, it is not helpful to our lives, and it is also negative and negative.
The topic returns to the child, if the child is forced not to eat snacks, such as potato chips, candy and other junk food that parents think; if it is forced to learn, not allowed to have personal time, or mandatory behavior against the child's will, it may cause compensatory psychology. For example, adults often buy snacks that they rarely eat or have not eaten in childhood to make up for their regrets; strive for all the time to play games and make up for the game time reduced by forced learning in childhood.
Behind these compensatory behaviors, there is a phenomenon that individual needs are not met. Parents to develop their children's internal drive, is the most fundamental solution.
First, respect the child's wishes, not the parents' mandatory requirements, without the child's consent, do not ask the child's thoughts.
Second, put the choice in the hands of the child and give it responsibility. That is, let the child take the initiative to choose and take responsibility for himself.
Some parents may worry about this: If the child does not eat or write homework, I will also be supported by him? Rest assured about these issues. Seeking advantage and avoiding harm is everyone's instinct, and when a child feels and realizes that he or she feels uncomfortable because of his or her actions, he will change.
What parents can do in the process of helping their children develop their internal drive is to help their children correctly attribute and be deeply aware. The second is to make children interested, curious about what they are doing, and know that it must be done by me, not replaced by others.
In addition to the above two points, in the process of helping children develop internal drive, there is another point worth noting and very important point: to help children accumulate successful experience. This is reflected in many early childhood curriculum systems, such as Montessori teaching, Reggio Emilia system, ESG curriculum system, etc. At the same time, the degree of help should also be determined according to the age of the child, and the degree of this degree depends on the child's wishes.
Conclusion: Independence and autonomy are the abilities that children must have, which are internalized by the children themselves through rules and goals, not the mandatory requirements of parents. Independence driven by external forces, once the external forces disappear, independence and autonomy will also disappear.
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