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Author 丨 Zhang Huishan
Source 丨 Uncle Kai Storytelling (ID: kaishujianggushi)
If your child comes home and cries and tells you, "Mom, my classmates beat me!" ", what will you do?
At this point, your response is directly related to the child's self-acceptance.
You don't know how to be a parent, what kind of reaction will you have in the face of your child being bullied?
When the child is bullied
Story 1:
Two days ago, I was eating beef brisket sticks outside with friends.
There was a mother and son sitting next door to me, and the child was estimated to be in grades 4-5 of primary school.
Child: XX hit me today.
Mom: It must be that you are not pleasing to the eye, and I often look at you unfavorably.
Child: I didn't do anything.
Mom: Didn't do anything, how could someone else beat you? You must have done something yourself.
Child: I didn't.
Mom: How many times have I said it! You go to study, you study, you don't go to make trouble, can you not cause me trouble!
Child: I really didn't mess with anyone else, he hit me last time, can you help me go to my mother and talk about it?
Mother: He always wants to beat you, then he is a bad person, then his parents must be even more difficult to mess with, I go to provoke others to do it! I tell you, oh, you really have to reflect on yourself, you have to find problems in yourself.
……
The brisket strips came up, and the child took the spoon, bowed his head, and made a disgruntled thud.
We sat on the sidelines, listening to the conversation and looking at each other.
Story 2:
Ye Zi found that when his son Niu Niu, who was in the sixth grade of elementary school, was bullied, he was angry.
She saw a series of abusive messages on Niu Niu WeChat.
At the moment, Ye Zi was furious, angry at others for bullying his son, and angry that cows and cows did not dare to ask for help.
Ye Zi asked the cow to understand the situation.
It turned out that it was the last exam, Niu Niu did not let the class Li copy the answer, and Li classmate verbally attacked him. Niu Niu was not convinced and told the teacher. After being criticized by the teacher, Li was even more annoyed and spoke ill of Niu Niu.
The cow and cow were powerless to resist, they could not fight and fight, and could only be silent.
It is useless to find parents and teachers for this matter.
Ye Zi thought of a way, and she asked her cousin to help.
The cousin was three tall and five strong, and he had a large tattoo on his body.
She asked her cousin to wait at the school gate after school, found the student Li, waved her arm, and warned: Don't bully the cows and cows anymore.
After the cousin left, Classmate Li was suddenly honest.
Leaf "revenge for the great vengeance".
Story Three:
Let's tell another story.
5th grade Beanie is bullied in the park.
After school, Doudou and his classmates were playing in the park, and a middle school student passed by, heard Doudou laughing, thought he was making fun of him, and got angry: "What are you laughing at?!" ”
Beanie was frightened, but tried her best to keep her composure and said, "Brother, I'm not laughing at you." ”
The middle school student said involuntarily, dragging a handful of beans into the toilet. Doudou begged for forgiveness and apologized, but he was still slapped several times.
The panicked Doudou cried and went home, and Doudou's mother was very distressed.
She said: "We called the police. ”
Doudou looked at her mother's tearful face and said with fear: "If you don't call the police, forget it, you won't be seriously injured." ”
She told Beanie:
"We don't cause trouble, we don't have to worry about things, and my mother will get justice for you."
"If you are beaten, your heart will be wronged, you will be angry, and sometimes children can't handle it, and adults will deal with it with you." 」
"Fortunately, you begged for forgiveness at that time, otherwise the suffering would have been even more terrible..."
"Thank you for trusting me and telling me about it."
Of course, Doudou Mother knows to call the police, and may not be able to find the person concerned, but the result is not important, what is important is the attitude of the parents after the child is bullied.
Your attitude affects your child's future
Attitude one: flies don't sting seamless eggs
I remember the helplessness in the eyes of the boy sitting at the table next to me that day, when he was denied and accused by his mother, it stung me.
I remembered what a visitor had said to me.
When she was young, she lived at her grandmother's house, and the boy next door had been bullying her.
When her parents returned to the countryside to see her, she cried and said that she was often bullied.
Dad listened but said that flies don't sting seamless eggs.
After that, the bullying of the boy next door intensified.
In addition to being beaten, he was often splashed with water.
Because there is no hope at all, I no longer ask for help, but endure, and can only endure.
Asking your parents for help is tantamount to being hurt one more time and being humiliated again.
Years later, when she grew up, she cried in the counseling room that the feeling of hopelessness remained until now.
Later, I returned to my parents to study in middle school, and in the group of classmates, I was still very inferior and could not integrate into the group.
"Everyone says I'm lonely, but I know that it's just me protecting myself, and I feel unworthy in my heart, constantly denying myself, and not daring to express my true feelings." For many years, I had nightmares at night and instinctively cried. ”
For children, when asking for help in exchange for blame and denial, they often choose to endure alone.
When endurance became the norm, the bully had a pass.
All harm is taken for granted.
Attitude two: you call me back!
What about hitting back?
When the child is bullied, regardless of three seven twenty-one, ask him to fight back with violence.
There are conditions to go up, and there are no conditions to make conditions.
I saw a news that said that the child was beaten, and the parent ran to the kindergarten and started to move.
I often see children in kindergarten conflicting with their peers.
Regardless of the three seven twenty-one, the mother on the side will not be able to resist the shot, stand up for the child, tell the child, and fight back.
But if the parents ask for it, will the child really be able to fight back?
A mother said that her son was always bullied by a certain child.
She advised him to fight back.
The child was particularly timid and cowardly, so she ran to the school to support the child and let the child fight back in front of her.
The child actually stood still.
Have we ever wondered why the child doesn't call back?
Because there is no bottom.
Why?
If the mother will run to the front of the child in everything, there is a movement and there will be a soldier, the child will never learn to face setbacks independently;
If parents always scold their children, and children are accustomed to being blamed and denied, they will naturally mistakenly think that being bullied is the norm of life;
A person's inner strength is supported by a sense of security, and security comes from attachment relationships. If the parent-child relationship is bad, the child will be very unconfident, unfair, and dare not speak up for himself.
Without confidence, the child naturally does not dare to fight back, when he hears "hit me" and he can't do it, what is brought to the child is greater lack of self-confidence.
The author of "Game Power" believes that for children who have been bullied, if their emotions have not been adjusted, even if they fight back at the request of their parents, they will not have more confidence in themselves.
We are afraid of children losing losses, but the premise of really letting children not suffer losses is to let children have confidence.
To fight back, we must first have the strength to fight back.
This strength does not lie in the size of the fist, but in the size of the inner strength.
Resistance is only truly effective if the child has sufficient confidence in his or her own safety and abilities.
Attitude three: I understand you, we are together.
When Doudou is bullied, Doudou first empathizes:
"I know you must have been very wronged and suddenly beaten."
"You must have been very angry, you couldn't fight and fight, you couldn't run and run."
"You begged for forgiveness, and that was the best thing you could do at the time."
Then, Doudou Mom expressed her attitude: I will call the police, and when you need help, I will protect you.
The message conveyed by Doudou Mom is: I understand your current state, I accept your current powerlessness and sorrow, and I accept your current pain. In the meantime, I'll be with you.
When a child is accepted, his neurochemicals change, calm neurochemicals replace stress hormones, and the pain slowly dissipates.
The real turning point that makes things better is the connection of relationships, the mother's attitude towards this matter.
You are beaten, I accept your powerlessness, I will not force you to become strong right away, I nourish you with love.
The child can feel from the attitude whether he is loved and protected.
This kind of acceptance can build their sense of security and help children become more determined.
The road of life is long, we leave children with a sense of security, such as a bright light, even if one day, they will be in the dark, but also to the children to illuminate the way forward, leaving warmth.
What are we going to do?
The child is "beaten", and the parents' heartache is certain. So, let's review it again, what should we do?
First of all, to distinguish, what is conflict and what is bullying?
If it is only a conflict, it will not bring psychological harm to the child, and the child can learn to deal with it on his own.
All we need is to listen and show understanding:
"Oh, it sounds like you're sad."
"What do you think you can do?"
.....
If you're being bullied, you can do this:
1. Listen to the child;
2. Help children understand their feelings;
3. Guide the child to respond to things;
4. Let's see if the response has an effect.
If the above practices do not work, or if they are bullied, then:
1. Accept the child's feelings and emotions;
2, it is time to help the child solve the problem.
For kindergarten babies:
1, shout, don't touch me;
2, call useless, push away;
3, can not push away, can fight if you can fight, but can not run.
But either way, the important premise is to understand and accept the child.
Understanding is a kind of support, acceptance is a kind of tolerance, which is the nourishment of one life to another life.
When a person is nourished in this way, he will experience the flow of love, will have the ability to repair sorrow, will understand his emotions, and will have the ability to help himself become stronger.
At the same time, let the child know that he can get help and that the initiative is in their hands.
"Children must have an upbringing that does not hurt people, but they must also have an aura that is not hurt."
Accidents will come inadvertently, and what we can do is to let children have confidence, so that they can fight and do their best to protect themselves. Share.