Intensive reading mother: When the child rebels, what parents have to do is not to let go, not to obey, but to use a gentle and firm way to dredge the emotions in the child's heart.
Author:Mingyue Yuxin (Parents Intensive Reading Author)
A few days ago, on Weibo, Xi'an, Shaanxi, a pair of twins were on the hot search list.
The twins, who had just entered the first year of junior high school, disappeared for 3 days and 3 nights because they were bored with school and did not say goodbye to their parents, and in these 3 days, they lived on 34 bags of dry noodles.
Finally, the police found them in the abandoned cave, and by this time, the mother was crying hoarsely, and the brothers regretted it.
After the incident was exposed online, the comment area instantly exploded.
Some netizens said: "Dozens of bags of crisp noodles have made the brothers taste the pain of life." ”
Some netizens also sighed: "Fortunately, the child has been found, the child's rebellious period, parents should pay more attention to the child's mental health." ”
Yes, the adolescent child, like a powder keg, does not know when it will explode, startling the parents and hurting themselves.
When parents face adolescent children, they can not only care about whether their children fly high or not, but also care about whether their children are tired or not.
Professor Li Meijin said: "The key to children's problems lies in their parents. ”
Children are all copies of their parents, and children will not rebel for no reason.
When children rebel, instead of complaining and blaming, parents should change their own education style.
Fight against rebellious children, and parents will always be losers
Education expert Yin Jianli said: "Behind all the 'rebellious' behavior, there must be hidden parents' incomprehension of their children's behavior, as well as simple and rough management when encountering problems." ”
Deeply believed, scolding and yelling is the lowest way to educate children, and it is also the most harmful to children.
Children are rebellious, parents should be sensible, can not make a mistake in the child, and the child to do, ignore the real reason behind the mistake, and finally lose themselves, harm the child.
Just in February this year, in Baoding, Hebei Province, 12-year-old girl Wang Yuxin ran away from home and has not yet returned.
The father told the reporter in a hoarse and tired manner: "Because I did not dress my sister, I was told two sentences by my family, and then my daughter ran away from home in a negative mood." ”
My father confessed that he had found every place he could find, and even if he was anxious and physically and mentally exhausted, he still did not dare to miss any phone calls and clues.
It is not uncommon for parents to be dazed by childishness and to do things that make them regret and blame themselves.
In Nanyang, Henan, a 13-year-old boy, because he was addicted to games and could not extricate himself, his parents communicated ineffectively, so he directly dropped his mobile phone.
The boy hid himself under the bed, his parents searched for three days, the boy was hungry for three days, until the police patiently persuaded, the boy was willing to come out.
The successive "children running away from home" incidents tell us that parents raise their hands and mouths in a hurry, and finally hurt their children's hearts, and it is themselves who pay the bill.
In the book "Positive Discipline", it is said: "Punishment can temporarily stop bad behavior, but it does not permanently solve the problem." ”
Seeing that the child contradicts himself and does not obey himself, parents feel that the child is challenging his authority and is on the same page with the child, no matter what the result, as long as the uniform.
But they do not know that the punishment under the impulse can only cure the symptoms but not the root cause, the child is "temporarily" surrendered, and the parents do not have the upper hand.
Because parents and rebellious children are working against each other, parents are always losers.
The more the parents compete, the more rebellious the child becomes
Psychologists say, "If your child is rebellious, it's time for you to take a step back." ”
In the face of children and parents colliding and singing opposites, if parents do not accept softness, it is very easy to aggravate the child's rebellious heart and do impulsive things.
In fact, children in the rebellious period do not have to fight against their parents, but the "little adults" in their hearts are doing evil and want to make decisions for their own affairs.
At this time, if the parents are pressing step by step, it will only be the tip of the needle against Mai Mang, and both sides will lose.
In the TV series "Opponent", Chen Xing is a typical case.
Chen Xing was suspected of stealing money by his mother, so the two did not speculate and quarreled.
Chen Xing said, "There are some things you don't understand at all, you don't understand anything, you know and talk about me all day." ”
Seeing her son and her constantly yelling, Mother Chen was not willing to show weakness.
Only to see Chen Mama's eyes widen in anger, pointing at Chen Xingdao.
"You see, what you are now, from head to toe, which point is like my son, I don't care who cares about you."
Finally, Chen Xing's sentence "I don't want to recognize you as a mother for a long time" pushed this conflict between mother and son to a climax.
Children who make mistakes will affect the emotions of their parents, but parents who have emotions cannot solve the problem.
Children in the rebellious period are not bad children, they do not want to shout at their parents, they just want to be independent and immature, accompanied by all kinds of negative emotions.
At this time, when emotions erupt, language becomes the child's weapon, and the parent becomes the emotional target.
In psychology there is a famous "south wind effect." ”
It means that the cold north bets with the warm south wind, who blows the passers-by clothes off first.
As a result, the north wind blew desperately, the south wind blew softly, and the passers-by got hotter and hotter, and finally consciously took off their coats.
The competition between parents is like the north wind, the more turbulent the blow, the more it will only suppress the child's emotions, and the more rebellious the child will be.
In the end, the emotions that are not released become depressed in the child's heart, and the consequences are unimaginable.
The gentle south wind, although silent, is the best medicine to cure children's rebellion.
Parents of rebellious children should "outwit" rather than "act recklessly"
In the face of rebellious children, the most direct consequence of parents' hard-hitting is to harvest a grumpy, irritable child, and even skip school and become a bad element.
On the contrary, parents lower the decibel, calm down, deal with their emotions first, and then deal with problems, then the child will also extinguish the anger and speak well.
In the variety show "Readers", the invited Mai family can not escape the anxiety of children's adolescence.
The Mai family admitted: "After my son entered adolescence, he was extremely rebellious, and he felt like accompanying a tiger, carefully every day. ”
"After graduating from junior high school, my son sealed himself off and spent the rest of his time in his room except for eating and going to the toilet."
This door was closed for three years, and while turning away his parents, he also completely closed himself.
"He and his wife did not dare to enter his room without his permission, for fear that he would run away from home," the Mai family said. ”
For more than a thousand days, the Mai family turned despair into respect, turned pain into tolerance, accompanied him to suffer, and accompanied him through the painful adolescence.
Finally, Shou Deyun opened to see the moon, and the long-term persistence responded, and the son who walked out of the door began to study hard, and received a notice from 6 universities at the same time.
The rebellious period is the calamity of every child, and the only people who can guide them safely are their parents.
Children who struggle in the rebellious period, the kind words and understanding of their parents are like a compass, helping them get out of the fog, and then start again and chase ambitious goals.
Psychologist Jeffrey Bernstein said: "The child's rebellion may be repeated, and when the child tests your patience with rebellion, please do not lose confidence." ”
Parents have less criticism and blame, more listening and caring; less preaching and control, and more understanding and respect.
One day, the child will reflect on himself, understand his parents, grow up towards the sun, and live a bright appearance.
Psychologist Li Meijin said: "The process of education is emotional first, constrained in the back, especially for children in the rebellious period."
When the child rebels, what the parents have to do is not to let go, not to obey, but to use a gentle and firm way to dredge the emotions in the child's heart.
No snowflake is innocent when the avalanche occurs, and the child's rebellion is inseparable from the parents' every struggle, yelling and recklessness.
And the companionship and respect of parents are like spring rain, although the moisturizer is silent, it is imperceptibly influencing the child.
In this way, children can find the right direction in the crossroads of rebellion, become firm and brave, and move towards a broader future.
About the author: Mingyue Yuxin, parents intensive reading columnist, the copyright of this article belongs to Fushu, unauthorized, may not be reproduced, infringement must be investigated
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