How parents cultivate their children's habits, how to accompany their children to grow, how to guide their children to do homework... There are many similar articles, but there are also parents who sigh and learn so much knowledge, why has there been no improvement in educating children?
If you also have such a question, I especially recommend that you read this article, in fact, "The king of educating children is that parents persistently cultivate themselves and let themselves grow up with their children!" ”
01
Why are we so anxious about education?
Most parents, with regard to their children and education, lack a lasting and in-depth understanding. Suddenly realized, hurry up, see the child is not satisfactory, began to worry about the child's college entrance examination ten years later, fifteen years after the marriage, and twenty years later career...
And this worry itself can ruin the child's future.
The reason why parents are worried is because they have been paying attention to their children intermittently, and if the children have problems, they will pay more attention, and if there is no obvious problem, they will pay less attention. For the education of children, there is a lack of a macro control, for what to do, what not to do, not enough to do, their own heart has no bottom. Therefore, there is a lack of certainty about the future development of children. If you are not sure, you will panic.
So why don't many parents have conviction and conviction?
Many parents, who have ended their reading careers, have a job, have a family, and have children, have reached a kind of superficial "consummation" and have given up self-exploration. Life follows the "most comfortable principle", looks leisurely, relaxed and relaxed, and lives a stable and enviable life. In fact, many life issues are not completed, but are shelved there.
For example, this is a lot like a "cliff of growth." Many parents think they have chosen a comfortable path, but they are passively caught in the mud of troubles. At the end of the day, it's not less, it's more.
02
"Some people give up mapping after puberty"
I have a lot of friends who are about ten years older than me, and I often talk together and talk about the status of their peers. People who find it around the age of forty are particularly prone to go in both directions, either getting richer and more attractive; or their vision is getting narrower and narrower, and they are very estranged from the outside world. A sharp female writer even described this state with "died at forty, buried at eighty", which made people feel desolate when read.
Of course, choosing the most comfortable state of life is not a mistake. However, the issues of life are not distanced by our avoidance. Pike wrote in his The Few Walked Roads:
Our concept of reality is like a map, and with this map, we constantly compromise and negotiate with the terrain and landscape of life. If the map is accurate, we can determine our location, know where to go, and how to get there; the map is full of loopholes, and we will get lost.
Some people give up mapping after puberty. Most people are middle-aged, have little interest in new information and information, and seem to be exhausted. Only a very fortunate few will continue to work hard, exploring, expanding, and renewing their understanding of the world until the end of their lives.
Our life map should be located through at least three sets of relationships, namely relations with ourselves, relationships with others, and relationships with the world. If we don't want to draw a "life map" anymore, then there are many ways to escape. The easiest way to do that is to back off and stay the status quo.
Many people do not accept themselves, often self-denial and self-attack, but give up inner exploration, and choose patience and escape. In the face of the obstacles in interpersonal relationships, it is not to resolve them, but to simplify interpersonal relationships, and some simply only have relatives left. In front of the family, even if it is willful, it will be tolerated. The view of the world remains unchanged, and there is no longer curiosity about the world.
Many mothers are immersed in the life of chai rice oil and salt, and avoid these three sets of relationships to the greatest extent. Another of Pike's words, put it succinctly: the tendency to avoid problems and escape suffering is the root cause of human mental illness.
03
Parent-child relationships are not perfectly reciprocal relationships
If, for the most part, we can escape, then the arrival of the child leaves mothers with nowhere to escape. Relatives and friends will tolerate us, but children only live by nature and intuition, and parent-child relationships are not completely reciprocal relationships. Our emotions and maturity, our understanding and attitude toward life, our ability to handle intimate relationships, are crystal clearly reflected in this little life.
In a sense, the child is the teacher of the parents, who comes into this world and urges the parents to make up for the lessons they have neglected before and constantly improve their life map. If we can't handle our relationship with ourselves and others, how can we handle our relationship with our children? If we are no longer curious about the world, how can we keep our children's curiosity?
A mother sighed: I only understand the phrase "the child is an angel" now, if it were not for the difficulties encountered in raising him, I would not explore, and I would not deeply reflect on my own growth process and thinking mode. Now, my life is moving towards the open, which is the change brought about by children.
If we resist growth, we will transfer the task of growth to the child. If we can't accept ourselves and are not satisfied with ourselves, we need a satisfactory child. If we can't handle the parent-child relationship well, we will have an image of an "ideal child" in our hearts, hoping that the child will take the initiative to meet our expectations.
Therefore, almost bound to the child, together with the progress and retreat, with sorrow and joy. The day was very pleasant when the child was praised by the teacher; the child's exam was broken, and the mood suddenly darkened. In this way, the child will become the biggest "Band-Aid" in life. A child, it is difficult to undertake the growth task of two people, such a state, is bound to have problems.
Choosing to grow up with our children means revisiting the three most basic sets of relationships, facing life's problems, seeking answers, and improving ourselves. We're not over 18 years old, we're really adults, and at some point we're just big kids. We have accumulated a lot of dark wounds in our growth, many growth tasks have not been completed, and with children, these problems have surfaced again, which is also a good clue. When we feel overwhelmed and overwhelmed, we may as well stop and see what is holding us back.
04
The parenting of children is the foundation of parents
When we no longer run away and face problems bravely, it also means leaving our psychological comfort zone and entering a state of uncertainty. The most beautiful flowers in the world bloom on the hardest branches, and growth is a process of breaking the cocoon into a butterfly. Growth means taking risks, but also suffering, which is the main reason why we avoid growth.
In this process, there will be suffering, confusion and anxiety, but as long as we insist on thinking, we will eventually find a way to solve it. In the face of confusion, reading will open a window, and it is necessary for us to understand some psychological knowledge. Fortunately, the quality of popular psychology works is getting higher and higher. We will find that after each problem is solved, our lives become more transparent, smoother, and we will no longer be tripped by the same stone.
And behind every dilemma, there is a hidden gift of life.
I have always felt that the methods and techniques of education are only the tip of the iceberg for children to become talents. Sometimes, children's education is the foundation of the fight, the fight is the parents' attitude to the world and the understanding of life. In other words, the entire life of parents will participate in education.
Judging from the current situation, the educational responsibility of mothers is heavier. Therefore, I always advise my mother that when people reach middle age, the road should be wider and wider. Low to the dust, washing your hands to make soup would have been a very happy thing. However, just understanding chai rice oil and salt will be farther and farther away from the child's spiritual world.
The king of educating children is to cultivate themselves persistently.
The ideal state is that the child understands, we understand; what the child does not understand, we also understand, at least, we have to intersect with the child. This long process of searching is both for yourself and for your children. The starting point of the child is the shoulder of the parent. In this way, the child will never have the same starting line.
Therefore, I respect parents who are diligent and studious and do not give up on self-growth.
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