【Growing up the atrium】Children love to complain, what should parents do?

5-year-old Suny was isolated in kindergarten. Because she loves to make a small report to the teacher, the children do not like her, give her a nickname of "traitor", and unite not to talk to her or play games with her. Suni was alone in the kindergarten, angry, she preferred to scratch other people's pigtails, until the teacher found that Suni came to the office many times a day to complain, and parents feedback, Mom and Dad knew that Suni's situation in the kindergarten was not optimistic, and needed parents' intervention.

A it is natural for children to love to complain

Adults with children at home have such an experience, and many children especially like to run over and complain: who secretly ate snacks, who did bad things without the permission of adults, who beat who cried... It's not a big deal, but the kids are very enthusiastic and rush to tell you what happened. If you look closely, you can see that these children have serious expressions, exaggerated tones, and a little surprise and sense of justice.

Why do children like to complain to adults? There are several possible psychological motivations:

First, children's trust and obedience to authority The American child development psychologist Kirberg found that young children and primary school children have not yet formed an independent sense of self, their evaluation of the external environment mainly depends on adults, including teachers and parents, they have an unquestioning trust and recognition of authority, they listen to authoritative words and norms, emphasize discipline, and implement relevant requirements. This psychological tendency of "teacher-oriented" makes them particularly sensitive to all violations of regulations, which must be resolutely eradicated.

Second, children's moral values are immature and children of low age have a relatively simple view of moral connotations, black and white, and they cannot understand that the content of moral values is very complex and can change according to specific situations. Their moral development presents a level of other disciplines and morality, that is to say, they take the adult values as a reference for behavior, strictly enforce them, and at the same time like to look for the faults of their peers, and do not allow others to have the slightest deviation.

The third is the child's self-expression Children move from the family to a kindergarten or primary school with a larger space, away from the protection of home, they avoid falling into loneliness and not being noticed, eager to get the love of the teacher and the appreciation of classmates, some children may win the attention of others by complaining to the teacher and revealing other people's secrets.

Fourth, the psychological conflict between children Some children will like to stare at the every move of others, and then write down the negligent behavior as a means of threatening the other party, which may be followed by more psychological conflicts. For example, two children have fought, and one party has the idea of revenge, "I let the teacher clean you up"; One child may be jealous that another child has an advantage in some way, hoping to use others to extinguish the other party's arrogance; It is also possible that in order to be more naughty between children than anyone, both children expose each other.

B Children are too fond of filing complaints, which can lead to social difficulties

Although liking a complaint is a common behavior of children, if it is not necessarily guided, this behavior still has great hidden dangers, and the complaint will trigger a sense of distrust among children, resulting in great difficulties in children's social interaction. The complaint can cause psychological pressure on the defendant's children, who cannot move freely at any time, and always feel that someone is spying on them. If you make a mistake, you will be reported to an adult, causing teachers and parents to look at them differently, criticize, beat or punish. This sense of uncertainty makes children unable to be themselves at ease, and they have to restrain themselves with fear, and the mental pressure is very high.

The children who sue are actually not doing well. He also can't live relaxedly: on the one hand, he must focus on others and pay attention to their every move; On the other hand, you must also be very careful not to make mistakes and avoid being caught. Because he likes to complain, he is often discriminated against, scolded or isolated by children of the same age, lacks friendship and care, and is sometimes driven and hated by impatient adults.

What is even more frightening is that if a group has one or even a few complainants, then the whole group will be affected by the atmosphere of insecurity, mutual suspicion of each other, everyone is at risk, and this negative psychological environment formed by anxiety, panic and suspicion will make interpersonal relationships stiff, indifferent and wary of each other. Individuals in this environment have low levels of mental health, impaired physical and mental development, obvious self-boundaries, and hate to be approached by others.

C How do parents face children who love to complain?

First, we must grasp the degree of children's complaints, rationally analyze the various complaints against children, and parents should not be led by the child's nose. If someone else's child comes to file a complaint, parents can listen to his complaint with a smile and say "I know" and send him away in a friendly manner. Parents then call the child over to talk to him, understand the ins and outs of the matter, and encourage the child to tell the truth and feel. If it is not a big mistake, parents should make it clear, calm the child's emotions, and let the child understand the solution to the problem. If it is a major mistake, parents should clarify the stakes and let the child correct his mistakes.

If it is their own children who love to complain, parents should neither praise nor criticize this behavior, but use gentle language to prompt the child: "In the future, don't rush to tell others, give others a chance to correct their mistakes." "Don't encourage your child to continue filing a complaint, and don't accuse your child with rudeness.

Second, the motivation to intelligently respond to the child's love of complaints For the psychological needs of children who like to complain and are eager for adults to give positive praise, parents need to realize that the child is here to tell you that he wants to be a well-behaved child who does not do wrong things, so he will not make mistakes like so-and-so. Because the child strictly abides by the rules, he will not tolerate all the violations of the children, and he needs to find an adult to make a ruling to prove that it is normal for him to abide by the rules and should be affirmed and recognized.

Parents can respond like this: I know you want to tell me that you have followed the rules and made no mistakes, I am very happy, you have remembered what I told you. Of course, so-and-so may not know this yet, so he did it wrong. Next time, you can quietly tell him and let him know this, okay?

Third, teach children to tolerate the faults of others Parents should realize that their children go to junior high school and still like to complain, which may expose their children's character defects. Junior high school students have shifted important others from authoritative adults to peers, and the need for peer friendship is high. If children still like to complain, it means that they have developed a sharp personality that criticizes others and wants to punish others, which is an excessive pursuit of immaculate moral cognition.

From early childhood, parents need to guide their children to tolerate the small faults and shortcomings of others, let them learn to empathize, put themselves in the shoes of others to understand the difficulties and limitations of others, and at the same time see the embarrassment and anxiety after their mistakes, become a generous child with a certain degree of acceptance, can ignore the harmless mistakes of others, and become a more popular individual in the crowd.

Li Zexuan huang renzhi of the Jingwei Institute of the Second Xiangya Hospital of Central South University