【Growing Atrium】How to help children improve psychological resilience from setbacks?

In the first and second grades of elementary school, I learned mathematics very well, after all, it was relatively simple, and I was a good student who listened attentively to lectures and completed homework carefully. But the third grade changed a math teacher, very strict. Once, because I was careless and wrong, I was scolded by the teacher. Since then, I have become afraid of mathematics, and my math scores have also declined. Every time my parents and teachers told me the truth, I hated mathematics once, and I vaguely hated myself who couldn't learn mathematics well... Xu Shen, 36, now knows that what she has been hating, fearing and avoiding is not mathematics. Or rather, mathematics is just an innocent scapegoat. If she had been criticized in a language class, she would probably not be a veteran media person now.

In the process of experiencing setbacks, if the child's negative emotions are too intense, then next time, he is more likely to instinctively "escape" than to "face" such setbacks rationally.

Summarizing the latest research in brain science, American neurobiologist Jaak Panksepp said: "There has always been a huge misconception about learning, that is, learning is carried out consciously. In fact, we learn about the world all the time, and most of that learning is done unconsciously. The emotional system in the human brain is the core mechanism of unconscious learning or implicit learning.

Emotions have a hidden but significant influence on the question of "what to do next time(in the future)." In simple terms, when experiencing something, the quality of the emotional experience affects our judgment of the event and our tendency to act the next time we encounter the same thing. A good mood makes us instinctively inclined to "next time" (closer), while a bad mood can lead to a "next time don't" (stay away).

Setbacks in themselves are no longer a pleasant thing. In order to allow children to face setbacks more rationally in the future, they must first reduce rather than aggravate the negative effects of emotions, because too intense and too long-lasting negative emotions will seriously interfere with or even block the operation of reason, and eventually push children to instinctive escape. Therefore, when a child encounters setbacks, we should not add fuel to the fire, but should help him relieve his emotions in time.

You may ask: If you don't put enough pressure on your child now, how will he be able to withstand enough pressure in the future?

Let's start by discussing what is true stress resistance?

● In a certain situation, the brain will instinctively produce a corresponding emotion, such as unhappy when it encounters setbacks.

● The process of emotion consists of producing impulses and two sets of activities, which are completed by different neural pathways, referred to as impulse pathways and resurfacing pathways.

● After the generation of emotions, if you can calm down in time, then the path of calming will be strengthened; Conversely, if it is not calmed down in time, then the impulse path will be strengthened.

● In childhood, because the brain development is not yet mature, the child is unable to relieve stress and restore calm through self-regulation through physiological ability after generating instinctive emotions.

Dr. Shure, a neuropsychologist at the University of California who specializes in emotional self-control, clearly pointed out that parents must act as "external regulators" of children's emotions in the early years of their children.

Negative emotions are not terrible, emotions are inevitable, the key is that after the generation of emotions, parents should actively help children relieve stress, restore calm, so that the calm path of the nervous system is strengthened, which is directly related to whether the child has enough self-regulation ability in adulthood.

Again, we are not preaching to avoid all emotions and stress, but only to clarify the role and function that adults should assume in the development of children.

The child will naturally encounter various setbacks in life, and will inevitably produce various emotions and pressures, which he must experience. If we run away from our children because of our inner anxiety and fear, we are hindering his growth.

Li Zexuan huang renzhi of the Jingwei Institute of the Second Xiangya Hospital of Central South University