Light up yourself, illuminate the world, and the education of love is the future
A few days ago, taking the subway, it was the morning rush hour, and a mother and son came up next to it. After sitting down, the mother began to ask her son for homework, remember how to memorize "Climbing the Stork And Bird Building"? How to spell this word...
Just 2 stops, the mother did not stop for a moment, but the son who was in elementary school next to him only occasionally responded absent-mindedly, but he rushed to get off the bus before he arrived.
The 10 minutes on the subway are probably just a microcosm of the daily relationship between mother and son.
So, what do parents do so that children can listen?
01 Is the result we want really the best for the child?
After the mother and son got off the bus, I was thinking, this year's parents are too rolled up, only elementary school, even the 10 minutes on the subway are not willing to let go.
Even if it's only 10 minutes, we may think that it's good to be able to memorize 1 word.
We may feel that it doesn't matter, the child is tired now, and then he can relax later.
Can you seize these 10 minutes, even if the child finally remembers 1 word, is this the result really the best for the child?
In life, such behavior of parents is actually very common.
When your child comes home from school, just turns on the TV, and hasn't seen it for 5 minutes, you say: Go to your homework; or yell "turn off the TV";
Or the child is tying shoelaces, always wrong, you can't help but urge: hurry up, be late right away, how can it be so slow;
Or you are playing marbles with your 2-year-old child in front of the mother and baby shop, and when you see that the child is delayed or not right, you say: Baby, point to the right.
No matter what state the child is in at the moment, parents are always eager to let the child achieve the results immediately and get the benefits.
Our impatience, anxiety, and reaction to behavior become all kinds of "compulsions."
Verbal imperatives "Hurry up and write your homework, hurry up and go to bed...";
The constant repetition of "I've said it a hundred times";
If you say too much, children will not listen, and they will inevitably scold and take a more extreme approach.
Is our "race against the clock" really useful in addition to reflecting our impatience and allowing children to rise up inner resistance?
Behind the parents' impatience is actually our high expectations for our children, and we will be anxious if we can't reach them.
But the parents' impatience is often incomprehensible, the child is very good, you will always think of him better, study well, you will expect him to exercise or good.
But children are not machines, and there are always times when they can't meet the requirements.
It is said that difficulties are like springs, and the more urgent you are, the greater the pressure on the child, the more the child's resistance, the worse the effect may be.
So at this time, especially for young children, parents actually need to accept real children.
Just like when a child is sick, parents will pray that as long as the child is healthy, everything else can be taken slowly.
So expect a low point for the child, think about the "good" you need at the moment, is not the best for the child, maybe the child's every behavior you will see surprises.
02 Do you really understand the advantages and characteristics of the child in front of you? - Be curious about your child's world
Just like the mother and son in the subway, why the child does not want to listen to the mother to learn, in addition to the mother's eagerness to make the child feel bored, another point reflects that the mother does not understand the child.
In the book "What is the Best Parent", it is mentioned that when children are about 10 years old, children will especially want to imitate adults. Whether it is painting or writing, there will be traces of adults.
In fact, it is because from this time on, the child's self is slowly established, and he begins to understand the external reality. On the contrary, before this, children actually lived in their own fantasies, showing all kinds of "childlike fun" and being curious about the world.
Just like 2 or 3-year-old children, it is difficult to ask them to take a straight line seriously, because they are always easily attracted to the flowers and butterflies on the side of the road.
For the elementary school student in the subway, although he could not listen to his mother's study, he may be full of curiosity about all kinds of people around him.
As a parent, you may wish to put down that "word" and use the opportunity to ask your child what he is thinking.
I remember that Mr. Dada mentioned a case.
There is a mother who used to yell at her child to "concentrate" if she used to eat and look around.
But one time, she asked in a different way, and she said curiously: What are you thinking? Unexpectedly, the child was very serious with her, and he had just thought of something very interesting.
So you see, is the child really not paying attention? In fact, in the eyes of the child, it is not, but there are more exciting and interesting things in the eyes of the child.
The so-called "intention of the energy comes", perhaps in the attention and interest in the child, parents will naturally find the child's advantages and characteristics.
If we can slow down anytime, anywhere, and be curious about the child's world, we can be better with the child.
03 Let the child obey, it is better to call "reach a consensus with the child"
We often want our children to be obedient, but in fact, it is inevitable that they will carry the meaning of "obedience", but they will open up the distance between us and our children.
But if all we do is want to "agree with the child" and let go of having to "listen to me", when we are with the child, it is actually very easy to guide.
I recently heard a parenting expert tell a story about myself and my child.
The homeroom teacher called her and said that her son, who was in his second year of high school, had fallen in love early. As a mother, of course, she was also anxious in her heart, but she still comforted the teacher and said not to interfere first, she would do it.
Later, she specially invited her son to a big dinner, and talked to him about early love when his son was in a good mood.
She and her son said, "The idea of early love is actually not true, because it is not easy to meet the right person in life, some people are lucky to meet early, and more people may not meet in their lifetime." So the timing of meeting the right person is sooner or later. ”
The son had always been very worried about this matter, but his mother said this to make him feel very interesting. The son could easily accept her next words.
She also led her son to think about what kind of partner can be called a good partner.
What's more, she later invited an uncle who was very convinced of her son to come forward and talk to him about the impact of a good partner on a person's life and family.
You see, this is the true wisdom of parents, not to dwell on the problem itself, but to take the child to see the longer-term meaning.
And all this comes from parents letting go of the obsession of letting their children "listen to themselves" and turning to "reaching a consensus with their children".
When we aim for "consensus", we may be able to truly empathize with the child and make the child feel that "he and I are the same".
With the foundation of trust, through appropriate questions, let the children think for themselves and explore the value behind the matter.
In this process, we are not only helping children correct wrong behaviors, but also cultivating children's self-evaluation ability, sense of social responsibility, and helping children find the meaning of life.
04 A good parent-child relationship is the foundation of everything
For pre-adolescent children, as parents may be scolding, there is always a means to get it done.
But for children who enter adolescence, especially rebellious periods, many parents have headaches.
But there is a saying that children do not actually have a rebellious period.
Psychology defines the rebellious period as a stage in which a child's sense of self develops rapidly and there is an urgent need for independence, autonomy, and freedom.
In fact, it can be seen from the definition that if as parents, we can respect and meet the urgent needs of children for independence and freedom, what else can children rebel against?
At the beginning of a recent book, What is the Best Parent, I said that there is a word in Zen Buddhism called "pecking at the same time."
It means that the birth of a new life not only requires the bird to "peck" in the shell, but also the mother bird to "peck" the shell to help it be born.
In fact, it is the same in the child's growth process. Children don't need us to take care of everything.
But at a critical moment, the "pecking" of parents will certainly be able to accelerate the transformation of children. And this, more need parents to listen to the child's inner voice.
The same is true for adolescent children, when we are "attentive" enough to establish an intimate relationship with the child from the usual bits and pieces.
When your relationship is unblocked, your words will naturally be heard by the child.