"Divine Beast" online class, the family is noisy again? Doctor 600 teaches you how to make your child obedient

In March, many families presented a picture of the flowers of the motherland waking up with sleepy eyes in the midst of a rush of urging. After a hasty breakfast, they were dressed in school uniforms, slippers on their feet, tied bright red scarves, standing in front of the computer or television, solemnly singing the national anthem, a closer look, some of them are still in a half-dream and half-awake state, although the right hand performs the Young Pioneer salute, but the rest of the body has been wandering back to the bed.

At present, primary and secondary school students in Shanghai have begun to take online classes again, and the children seem to be less serious and serious, but the parents have a lot of busyness: one person is also a class teacher, network administrator, nanny, photographer and other positions, and they have to go to work at the point. "In an epidemic, everyone has become a cook, medical staff have become warriors, teachers have become anchors, parents have become class teachers... Only the little divine beasts were still divine beasts. "Although it is an online joke, it is also a true portrayal of life during the epidemic." The "Classroom in the Air" has been held, parents and children, is there any new trouble? Jin Jin, attending physician of the Mental Health Center Affiliated to Shanghai Jiao Tong University School of Medicine, brought a magic solution to the public.

To understand a child is to understand oneself

Online school starts, online classes, trapped at home "god beasts" seem to be a collective outbreak, using all kinds of "strange magic" to deal with cloud teaching: change the nickname in the class group so that the teacher can not recognize themselves; print a photo of themselves listening attentively to the lecture and put it in front of the camera to pretend to listen to the class; in the early days of the outbreak of the epidemic in 2020, everyone even got angry at DingTalk software because of frequent punch cards, causing DingTalk to receive a one-star bad rating from the National Student Party and was almost taken down.

"Whether it is a regular school start or the current online class, it will not be a relaxing thing for students, and everyone can experience the 'pre-school tension syndrome' when they are young." Jin Jin said that the air classroom and the school class are essentially the same, not to mention that the home class also faces being monitored by parents, which makes the pressure on the child more.

"From this perspective, giving DingTalk a bad rating is actually a particularly cute thing, reflecting the common psychological defense mechanism of children of this age: to negate the events that bring them stress in a more direct and primitive way." She explained, "I started online classes again, it's all nailed" and "I'm going to class, but I don't want to go" there is no essential difference.

The epidemic has changed many people's work and rest habits, and everyone has to reflect on life. "I don't know if parents are aware of this fact: not all children must love culture classes, not every child can get the first place, not every word you say children must agree, not every adult requires children to be implemented immediately, not innocent and brilliant age can not have a bad mood - we were also children, understand children is also to understand themselves, respect for children is also respect for humanity." 」

Just as Jay Chou once sang "Listen to Mother's Words", the lyrics are very warm, and the reality is very worrying. Jin Jin said that if you want your child to really "listen to your mother's words", parents actually only need to figure out two things -

Why should parents listen?

First of all, why should parents listen? Parents want their children to listen to their own words, which is nothing more than hoping that their children will do the right thing. But for what is the right thing, many parents have the same concept as the current popular "Mingxue" - I don't want you to feel, I want me to feel.

For example, parents feel that their children must make up lessons, not only to go, but also to go willingly and with twelve points of spirit (statement: if the child is completely voluntary to make up lessons, then it is another matter), the reason is very good: "make-up classes are for your own good", "other children are made up", "make-up classes are overtaking curves", "Parents also let me participate in make-up classes for my own good"...

However, parents should think about it, "I think" is really the right thing to do? Behind these good reasons seems to be: adult dissatisfaction with themselves, anxiety about competition between parents, and projective identification with their parents' poor education methods.

And what is the right thing to do? It is to love life, respect others, and abide by discipline and law. In addition to these basic guidelines, it seems difficult to have a specific provision. "But one thing needs to be clear, the starting point for parents to make any decision must not be to alleviate their own dissatisfaction and anxiety." Only when we distinguish between our own needs and those of our children can we make decisions that are truly beneficial to our children. If you regard elite education as an absolute correctness, when you focus on this kind of uniform correctness, but ignore the child's mental education, it is only possible to raise a giant baby in the end. "Jin Jin said that the omnipotence and all-taking of parents is depriving children of the opportunity to grow in the name of love." The more you dominate, the less good your child may be at making decisions; the more you restrain and urge, the less likely your child may lack the ability to self-discipline; you don't trust your child, and your child may not trust himself or others. ”

It can be said that parenting is a practice for all parents, from the child falling to the ground to their adulthood, the roles of parents and children are constantly changing, if this change is not recognized, let the 4-year-old develop the diligence of the 14-year-old, or let the 15-year-old rely on the parents like the 5-year-old, is a "against the sky" luxury. Not respecting the mental laws of children is a lose-lose situation for both parents and children.

How to make children obedient?

Second, how can you make your child obedient? "In fact, the essence of the problem is how education can be better accepted by children." Kim kim says it's based on the first line of thinking, and if education is an act of self-satisfaction that lacks necessity and logic, then it's not possible to make children obediently obedient. "Let the child obey, the parents must first learn to speak, may wish to start with the adjustment of their own mentality."

First, empathize. If we want to persuade a colleague to accept a suggestion, we will not use the roaring method, so we may wish to think in a different position before turning on the "Tyrannosaurus Rex" mode at home, under what circumstances will we be willing to accept other people's suggestions?

Second, respect for human nature. Respect the way children relieve stress and express emotions, and having negative emotions does not mean total negation, such as "not liking some of my mother's behavior does not mean that I do not love my mother" and "not liking online classes does not mean that I am tired of learning". Parents criticize and accuse indiscriminately, or even generalize, rising to "filial piety" and "boredom", etc., which may be counterproductive. If the child's thoughts are distorted and there is nowhere to release emotions, it will make the child have a projection identification with the negative thinking of the parents ("filial piety" and "boredom").

Third, self-stability. The family is the tree, the child is the fruit, and the child is also the mirror of the family. Only by being an emotionally stable parent can we harvest a stable parent-child relationship. Accept the objective fact that "you are yourself and your child is a child"; accept that every child has his own personality characteristics and uneven abilities; accept that the child's growth process must spiral upwards; realize that "perfect parent" or "perfect child" is a kind of self-restraint. For parents, self-stability is also a healing, making anxiety less and inner stability.

"The 'divine beasts' will eventually grow up and become the current you and me, and good education is to pass on love from generation to generation in a silent way." Kim kim said.