Author: Main Creative Group · Mother Pig
A few days ago, I brushed the video and saw a mother, after three days of online classes with her child at home, she had an emotional breakdown and cried a lot.
It turned out that when the child was in class, he could not keep up with one step at a time, and he could not keep up with the step; the teacher said that the child could not find which page to turn the textbook to.
She watched the child pick the eraser, the pencil, the book...
Originally full of ambition, preparing for a career and learning with both hands, now I have to face a reality: the original children's learning, is this the way it is?
Under the epidemic situation, many regions have opened the online course mode.
Many parents are also like this mother," "seeing is believing", intuitively feeling the state of their children when they are studying in class. As a result, I was greatly shaken and heartbroken.
The children of relatives are in the third year of junior high school, and the online class is like this:
Get up at 5 o'clock every day, read early at 6 o'clock video, exercise at 7:30 a.m., go to class at 8 o'clock, take more than a dozen online classes a day, in addition to going to the toilet, almost don't go out of the house; usually eat and memorize words, at the end of the evening class, but also consciously review until eleven or twelve o'clock...
You may say, too worry-free, such a hard-working, self-conscious child, simply envious.
But relatives have words of suffering.
The daughter has worked so hard, but she has always achieved mediocre results, played badly, and may still be at the bottom. So hard, but no effect, they have always thought it is a matter of talent.
But recently, when she accompanied her daughter to online classes, she found that her children were wandering a lot of the time.
"The teacher has talked about the next page, and she is still staring at the previous page, and she has not learned it at all!"
Relatives were devastated and worried.
She really can't figure it out, her daughter is usually well-behaved and sensible, how to do these superficial kung fu at this juncture?
Dr. Chen Jingjing, of the Shanghai Pudong Institute of Education Development, said that most children actually stay in "false learning" or "superficial learning".
They either can't learn it or they don't experience the joy of learning at all.
This kind of "pretend learning" situation appears in large numbers as early as the third grade of primary school; by the second year of junior high school, it is even more obvious.
Many children with good grades have gradually become "students with difficulties" because of this.
Online classes are just exposing the problem, and our children may have been "pretending to learn" for a long time.
Children who are forced to learn do not experience the joy of learning
While visiting the bookstore, I bumped into a mother and daughter.
The little girl looked seven or eight years old, holding a copy of "Pocket Detective" and begging her mother to buy it, and her mother did not even turn the book, and she categorically refused: "Girls read what detective stories, and they don't know that choosing points will help them learn." ”
"This is a good book, you should learn more idioms." Then, my mother took it upon herself to choose a book similar to an idiom story and left.
I watched the little girl reluctantly hang her head behind her mother, and I couldn't say the taste in my heart.
Some children are not born not good at learning, but the signs of curiosity are still in the bud stage.
San Écoperi, the author of The Little Prince, once said: "If you want to build a ship, don't take a bunch of people to collect materials, don't direct them to do this and do that, you just have to teach them how to desire the vast sea." ”
Parents want their children to study well, but use the guidance they think is "useful" to stifle the child's desire to learn.
Children have a hard time enjoying learning from the bottom of their hearts, so they can only pretend to love learning "in order not to disappoint their parents".
Writer Li Xiaoyi said that when she was in middle school, her mother was particularly strict with her and would always pay attention to her dynamics to prevent distraction from studying.
Her original grades were not bad, but she was seriously biased, and even if she exerted her strength to suckle, mathematics, physics and chemistry still hovered on the edge of passing.
The mother who hated iron and steel nodded her head and said, "Do you still want to go out and play with such poor grades?" I've paid so much for you, I'm a fool to learn it! ”
In a bad mood and unable to learn, Li Xiaoyi put the magazine of "Boys and Girls" under the examination paper, wrapped the shell of the language book on "Smoke and Rain", and pretended to study seriously.
As an adult, she recalled the experience: "I didn't love my mother because of my mother's strict education, but I didn't love myself so much. The reason why I can become a writer has a lot to do with the books I secretly read enough books in those years. ”
It has to be said that it is Li Xiaoyi's "rebellion" that has preserved her love of reading and writing.
If you only want to be a "good child" who listens to your mother, I am afraid it will be difficult to have today's achievements.
Parents always plan everything for their children in the most secure way they think, but forget that every child has their own path to go.
Failure is not terrible, forcing children and denying children is the biggest blow to children's interest in learning.
Do not depreciate the value of children because of academic performance, do not take grades and further education as the only way out for children, children will not pretend to learn in order to cope with parents.
Caught in learned helplessness, it is difficult for children to learn
Relatives said she never denied the child and always gave her daughter encouragement and advice. But she often puts such words on her lips:
"Don't be stressed, stupid birds fly first, we must do it."
"Child, pay attention to the method, do not read dead books."
"Combine work and leisure, don't work hard and it won't work."
……
Every sentence is well-intentioned, but every sentence is secretly poking at the heart.
Psychology has a Murphy's Law, which says: If you're worried about something happening, it's more likely to happen. In simple terms, the subconscious mind cannot understand "don't.". This is a psychological phenomenon of "selective memory".
In other words, parents say "don't be stressed", but children can only receive "pressure".
Therefore, although the words of relatives are well-intentioned, the messages that linger in my daughter's ears are: "My mother also thinks I am stupid", "I am just dead brain, there is no way", "My mother has paid so much for me, but I have not grown".
When the child herself thinks that she is a stupid child, and there will be no gain in her efforts, how low should she be?
How can a self-denying child really devote himself to learning?
There is a word in psychology called "learned helplessness." Refers to the fact that after experiencing continuous failures and setbacks, a person faces problems and always produces a psychological state and behavior of powerlessness.
Children who work hard for a long time cannot be rewarded, and may also fall into this state.
In order to make themselves feel better, in order to reassure their parents, they have to create a "very busy" and "very fulfilling" state by "pretending to study".
Behind this psychology and behavior, there is actually an appeal that wants to be recognized.
So what does it mean to affirm the child? What can be done to help children get rid of learned helplessness?
The answer is to really recognize the child and focus on the child.
1. Affirm the value of children
We are obviously advising children to "not be stressed", but we do not leave the learning in three sentences. The concept of invisibly transmitted is: learning is the only way out, learning is not good, and everything is in vain. Every child is born to care whether their parents love themselves or not, and when "love" becomes conditional and luxurious, "pressure" will be heavily pressed on them, and when they encounter learning setbacks, they will completely deny themselves.
Tell your child, "You are kind, brave, loving... Already a great guy. "Praise the child's strengths outside of learning, let the child feel that the love of the parents is unconditional, is the parents' greatest affirmation of the child."
2. Praise the effort itself
Don't ask the child why the effort has not worked, the effort itself is worthy of recognition.
Tell the child, "Mom is very touched to see you work so hard and know that you are a person who knows how to take responsibility for yourself." ”
"Today's question, you tried three ways to solve the problem, indicating that you are working hard, and your mother is proud of you!"
"Today you checked out 2 wrong questions yourself, it is really more and more careful, my mother is very relieved!"
Regardless of the outcome, seeing the child's efforts is the greatest encouragement of parents to their children.
3. Really give the method
When a child is deeply trapped in a learning dilemma, it is difficult to think about what is a better way, when parents do not blindly remind "you have to find a way", but really teach him useful methods.
For example, composition can guide children to record the "golden sentences" in their usual observations and daily dialogues, help children complete accumulation, practice expressing emotions, and expressing logic and opinions.
Another example is the concept of mathematics, parents can try to substitute for the examples around them, and use a more "visual" way to help children understand and practice.
Of course, if parents themselves do not understand, then at least encourage children to often put down the textbook, adhere to extracurricular reading, so that they will enrich their knowledge and obtain methods in good books.
4. Increase outdoor activities
Instead of verbally letting the child combine work and leisure, it is better to really take the child out and move. Let the child know that learning is not everything, and a good body is more important.
Of course, more studies have shown that exercise can expand the capacity of the brain, make people think actively, and improve physical fitness and concentration.
Children who pretend to learn often fall into the dilemma of thinking and emotions, helping children to jump out of the predicament, and other problems can be solved.
Understanding the child's difficulties can help the child get rid of pretend learning
Knowingly, a teacher asked:
A student always asked for advice on composition, asking how to improve, repeated many times. The method also tells that the child is also very hard, but why hasn't he grown?
One netizen replied: "You only see the efforts of those who have mediocre results, but you don't see the resistance they have endured." ”
Children who walk slowly may be pushing stones forward.
The documentary "I'm Not a Stupid Kid" tells the story of three students with dyslexia who have a difficult school experience. This film tells us that 1 in 10 children will have some dyslexia.
According to the "Report on the Development of National Mental Health in China (2019-2020)" released by the Institute of Psychology of the Chinese Academy of Sciences in 2021, almost one in every five adolescents has depression.
We often blame our children for why it's so simple and can't be done well. But I never thought, whether it is the difference in learning ability caused by various factors, or the accumulated emotional problems... They can all become boulders that hinder the child's progress.
Learning is not an easy task, and most of our children are ordinary children.
Ding Yanqing, a professor at Peking University, was also anxious about his daughter's learning problems.
For a long time, he could not accept that his daughter's grades did not meet his expectations.
He took his daughter to the office to supervise her homework, personally rode her bicycle to send her to school every day, even if she was on the way to school, he was also tutoring her to study... Sometimes, like ordinary parents, they will yell at their daughters in anger.
Even so, he did not change the fact that his daughter's grades were backward, but instead caused her daughter to have a school-weary mood and psychological problems.
One day he suddenly figured it out: "If children learn in a high-pressure environment every day, people will resist, and they may pretend to learn." ”
The daughter of a professor can also be just an ordinary child. "We always have to pay attention to whether our expectations are wrong."
After calming down, Professor Ding understood his daughter's difficulties and no longer forced her to study.
Slowly, the daughter took the initiative. Some time ago, he was pestered to buy Jenny Goodall's "Window of the Earth" and "study" zoology.
Professor Ding said: "As long as she can read enough books, there will be no difficulties in life." ”
In "Inception", if you want to transform a person's dream, you need to take root in the depths of your mind. Learning is the same, it is not something that can be rushed and pushed, but it needs to be laid in the depths of the mind.
Allow the child to slow down a little, and then slow down a little, so that the child does not spend energy on "pretend learning".
There is a scene in Galaxy Tuition.
After graduation, students frantically throw shredded textbooks and examination papers in the teaching building.
In the film, the father played by Deng Chao said with great emotion: "I am worried about whether they really love learning." ”
Many people have been the children of "pretend learning", and we spend a lot of time and energy, but we have not been able to learn the knowledge that is transferable, nor have we experienced the joy of learning, which is a cruel and regrettable thing.
We can't let our children drown in the wave of "pretend learning" in vain.
Lu Xun said that learning must be like a bee, picking many flowers in order to brew honey.
We should also know that the harvest needs to be a real flower to produce real honey.
Learning is a habit of a person's life, it is a thing that can bring lasting happiness, may more parents see and help their children fall in love with learning.
New Oriental Family Education (ID: xdfjtjy) transmits the concept of professional family education, provides family education information at home and abroad, and shares absorbable and operable methods and suggestions. Make continuous learning a habit for families.