Intensive reading mother: From the very beginning, parents will not be biased and not double standards to have the best ending, in order to raise children with sound minds, and to help children breed brotherhood that love and depend on each other.
Author: Xiao Bo (Parents Intensive Reading Author)
"Daddy beat me, I've remembered it for the rest of my life!"
What happened to a girl who made her say such harsh things about her father?
The story begins with an alarm.
Because the girl had a little conflict with her brother, her father involuntarily slapped her 5 times, and the girl who was extremely aggrieved in her heart chose to call the police.
In fact, the girl called the police not only because of these 5 slaps, but also wanted to ask for justice from her parents, who were always partial to her brother on weekdays.
The same is their own children, why when there is a conflict between sisters and brothers, the wrong person will always be her.
In response, the girl's mother firmly denied the girl's allegations.
In her opinion, she is very good to her daughter, what brand has never been given to the eldest daughter, the younger son does not have this treatment at all, how can the daughter feel eccentric.
But in the eyes of girls, brand-name clothes are expensive, and a single eccentricity of parents is enough to make these luxury goods as cheap as dirt.
In particular, her father often favored her brother and only blamed herself, although her relationship with her brother was still good in her daily life, but her father's approach made her particularly uncomfortable.
Singing red face to daughter, singing white face to younger son, let daughter be a "back pot man" when there is a contradiction, no wonder the daughter hates her father so much.
The girl called the police so vigorously, just to make her parents realize their eccentricity and take back the love that originally belonged to them.
The accumulation of materials is only superficial love, and the love that can really penetrate into the child's heart is equal and impartial.
Therefore, parents must not be too double-standard.
Education that is treated differently is a major trap in disintegrating family harmony.
People do not suffer from widowhood but suffer from inequality, parents have separated the love that originally belonged to the child, will the child remain indifferent?
Obviously not, he will only think that his parents do not love me enough, and then resent his parents, and at the same time, he will hate the favored party for stealing the love that originally belonged to him, and then alienating the other party.
Sometimes the discord between siblings seems to be just a dispute between children, but in fact it is also a silent tug-of-war between children and parents:
Children feel that their parents are unfair, and their parents are unaware or even blind to their own eccentricities.
Over time, parents and children drift apart.
The Su family in the film and television drama "All Is Good" is like this.
Su Mu is a typical "son preference" parents, on weekdays everywhere tightly daughter Mingyu, give her daughter to eat bubble rice, but to the two sons is ham and omelette.
The daughter is going to college, is a big girl, and asked her to wash her younger son's underwear and underwear.
What is even more infuriating is that in order to provide for the eldest son to study abroad, the younger daughter's room is sold without a greeting, so that the daughter sleeps and studies in the small room with her parents every day.
Knowing that Ming cheng is not the material for study, he still forced Ming Yu to give up the opportunity of Tsinghua to go to the normal university with free tuition, so that he could send Ming Cheng to an ordinary second school at a high price.
Although Mingyu repeatedly accused her mother of eccentricity, Su Mu always looked like a reasonable and strong person, and did not make any concealment for her eccentricity.
Su Muming's dangling double-standard behavior chilled Mingyu's heart and also arrogantly indulged Mingcheng's willfulness, causing Mingyu and Mingcheng to be like the tip of a needle to Mai Mang from childhood to adulthood, and they quarreled when they did not agree.
Her eccentric behavior also pushed her relationship with her daughter to a freezing point, so much so that Mingyu later chose to "break with" her original family.
In multi-child families, parental eccentricity is a high-pressure line in the relationship between siblings and even parent-child relationships.
Once the parent's love is tilted, the child's heart also begins to go far.
Parental eccentricity is undoubtedly to lay a mine for their own and their children's future.
The "seeds" of eccentricity planted by parents today will surely bear the "evil fruit" of discord and estrangement between parents and children in the coming days.
Psychologist Wu Zhihong once said: The essence of eccentricity is the abandonment of children, which is the most painful way for parents to hurt their children.
A look, a word, or an action can easily make a child's heart stir up waves.
Parents are eccentric in a moment, and some children are healing with their lives.
In Zhihuli, a question and answer post about "what psychological defects will occur when children who think their parents are biased grow up" gathered a lot of children with the same disease.
They were surprisingly consistent in their answer to this question, which was an inferior and sensitive flattering personality.
The snubbed childhood has created a flattering personality that they will be difficult to get rid of for a lifetime.
The eccentricity of parents has unconsciously become a watershed in their character development.
American pedagogue Miki Farn once said that flattering personality stems from childhood trauma, that is, parents have never or rarely given their children "unconditional love".
The essence of partiality is conditional love, and only when the child satisfies the selfishness of favoring another child will you identify with and love the "sensible" child.
The most direct consequence of this is to let the child form a low self-esteem mentality of "I am not worthy, I am not worthy".
Psychology expert Zhang Min stressed when talking about flattering personality that if parents do not correct the child's tendency to "flattering personality", then the child's life may be more inferior, he will have no self, such a life is too hard.
It is too difficult for a child to grow up in the afterglow of his parents.
Behind every inferior and sensitive child, there is actually a trembling, helpless soul.
Compared with parents who leave the scene halfway and lovers who are late in their lives, brothers and sisters are the people who accompany their children the longest in their lives.
When they are young, they accompany each other, and when they grow up, they support each other, and such brotherhood is the wealth of a child's life.
We will eventually leave, and what can be left to the child, in addition to good conduct, may be precious brotherhood.
If you want to have an indestructible brotherhood between children, parenthood must be done with these two things:
1. Acknowledge the objective existence of eccentricity and overcome it
Adler, the founder of individual psychology, said in his book "Inferiority and Transcendence" that the birth order of children can obviously affect the attitude of parents.
Jeffrey Klugger, senior editor of Time magazine, also said that 95% of parents are eccentric, and the remaining 5% are just unwilling to admit it.
It can be seen that the eccentricity of parents is universal, parents are also people, but also the first time to become a father, a mother, it is impossible to achieve a complete bowl of water flat.
But just because this phenomenon is widespread, eccentricity cannot be rationalized.
The right thing to do is to acknowledge its existence and try to overcome it, rather than deluding yourself, covering up your eccentricity in the wrong way, and eventually hurting your child by mistake.
2, do not compare, do not take sides
Every child is a unique existence, has its own shining point, and what parents have to do is to give appreciation and affirmation, not comparison.
Let each child run on their own track, without interfering with each other, in order to run more steadily and farther.
Second, do not participate in the war between children, the problems between children are left to the children to solve, parents can fully believe that the children have the ability to deal with conflicts.
A decade-long follow-up observation by psychology professor Laurie Kramer showed that children ages 3 to 7 had an average of 3.5 clashes with siblings per hour.
At the same time, he pointed out that although there is constant conflict, because the brotherhood and friendship are different and cannot choose, children can learn to negotiate and compromise in the day-to-day conflict.
A 2013 study in the Journal of Family Issues also found that between kindergarten and fifth grade, siblings had more social skills than only children.
It can be said that the sibling relationship in children's childhood is the bellwether of their interpersonal relationships in adulthood.
Children also constantly improve their social skills in the process of getting along with their siblings day and night.
Therefore, in the case of having multiple children, it is more conducive to the growth of children if parents do not take sides and do not compare.
The clothes are torn and can be repaired. Broken hands and feet, rarely connected.
Parents must not think that blood can automatically repair friendship, and indestructible brotherhood is the result of careful management by parents and children.
The influence of parental eccentricity on children is not only temporary, but also a lifetime.
Children who are neglected in childhood have a hard time getting along with their parents, with siblings, and with themselves when they grow up.
So don't wait until the rift appears before you think about repairing it.
From the very beginning, parents will have the best ending without eccentricity and double standards, in order to raise children with sound minds, and to help children breed brotherhood that love and depend on each other.
About the author: Xiao Bo, parents intensive reading columnist, the copyright of this article belongs to Fushu, unauthorized, may not be reproduced, infringement will be investigated
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