Raising a child is a shared responsibility of both husband and wife, but in real life, many families' parenting models show this situation: the father is absent for many years, and the mother continues to lose control.
What exactly will the child grow into in this unequal parenting model? The answer, I think you all know!
Where's Daddy? Absences become the norm!
"Widowed parenting" is widely mentioned, which refers to the significant absence of one party in family education. Combined with the current situation of chinese family parenting, it generally refers to the absence of paternal love.
This state of absence is divided into two types: one is a physical deficiency, the father is busy with work or fun all year round, and rarely takes time to accompany his wife and children; the other is a psychological deficiency, although the father is around the child, he is not concerned about the education of the child.
The above two situations are probably the norm for many Chinese fathers!
"I want to earn money to support the family", "Taking a baby is a wife's business", "The child is more clingy to his mother, and he doesn't kiss me"...
The above few have become an excuse for fathers not to bring babies. As everyone knows, the moment you become a father, you have the responsibility and obligation to share the responsibility of parenting with your wife, which is not enough to be the reason for your "absence".
Mention this, some people may retort, "Isn't it just to take a child, what's the big deal, women are just pretentious!" "But do you really understand how hard and cruel it is for a wife to pull her children to grow up alone?"
Mom is Superman? In fact, they are often out of control...
In everyone's subconscious, when it comes to mothers, we often use "women are weak, mothers are strong", "mothers are superhuman", such adjectives, when they become mothers = indestructible, but this is not the case, they will often continue to lose control because of the absence of their husbands.
A mother's soldiers are chaotic and helpless, she is also a human, but she is on standby 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, is not more tiring than going to work?
What is even more excessive is that in the work, you can see the direct return through effort and effort, but there is no quantifiable remuneration for child-rearing, and the wife takes care of the children diligently, and may only have to wait for the husband to say: "How do you not take good care of the children, how to be a mother." ”
How devastating should this be to the wife! They sacrifice their dedication for their families, paint the ground as a prison, but do not exchange the same gratitude, coupled with the psychological and physical double blow caused by solitary parenting, it is often easy to lose control of emotions, depression and anxiety.
Absent dad + out-of-control mom have two major invisible harms to their children
The inequality in the division of labor between father and mother, not only the wife suffers, but the child is actually quite hurt -
1, the lack of the role of the father, so that the child has no sense of security
Children with little contact with their fathers tend to lag behind other children in terms of height, weight, and movements, and emotional disorders such as anxiety, weak self-control, and insecurity are prevalent.
For boys, the father is a role model for them to learn from, and from the father, he feels a sense of masculinity and learns masculinity.
The lack of father's love in childhood may be a pain that is difficult to heal throughout their lives, even if the father wants to make up for this lack after adulthood, there will still be a gap that is difficult to eliminate, and the relationship between father and son is indifferent and estranged, which is also a common thing.
For girls, they can learn how to get along with the opposite sex from their fathers, and learn the valuable qualities of bravery and self-confidence.
Education experts believe that many girls grow up unconfident or emotionally hit repeatedly, bullied by scumbags, most of them did not establish a close relationship of trust with their fathers when they were young.
2. The loss of control of the mother's role affects the growth of the child
The absence of a father is the misfortune of the family, the sorrow of the wife, and the sorrow of the child.
Due to the absence of the role of the father, the mother needs to sing the "one-man show" in the parenting process, so it is often easy to get out of control, which is manifested in: controlling the desire, clinging to the child and not letting go, interfering with the child's every move; or morally kidnapping the child, often using his own "sacrifice" as the reason to let the child listen to his own words.
These unhealthy emotions will undoubtedly bring a lot of negative effects to the growth of children.
In order to escape from this "suffocating maternal love", they may become rebellious and obedient, often opposing their mothers and trying to resist, especially after puberty, the child's "self-awareness" expands, and they will resent the mother's discipline.
Perhaps suppress their own personality, because they understand the mother's efforts for the family, so try to listen to the mother's words, this may be that girls are more likely to empathize with their mothers, but in the long run, it is actually not conducive to the child's mental health, and may be too obedient in the future.
How do parents change?
1, the mother learned to let go
Psychologist Hu Shenzhi believes that the absence of the father's role is not actually the father's fault, and part of the reason is related to the mother's reluctance to let go.
If the mother learns to let go, patiently and boldly give the child to the husband to bring more, the husband and wife can share more parenting experience, more encouragement, more guidance, less criticism and education, so that maybe they can be easier, the husband will be happier.
Of course, this situation is not used in all families, some novice fathers may have higher understanding, communication efficiency will be higher, for those stubborn fathers, may not be easy to make.
2, Dad learned to participate
Some fathers may also want to be close to their children in their hearts, but it is true that because of some objective factors, such as working in normal times, they have less time to be close to their children, and they do not know how to close the distance with their children.
At this time, you need to learn to participate, learn to accompany children with high quality, such as every day after work, take half an hour to play with the baby, do some parent-child interaction games, increase intimacy, and tell stories with children before going to bed every day.
After all, the child's growth is only once, so if you can accompany it for a while, try to accompany it for a while!
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