Many people will encounter such confusion: obviously they have a very close relationship with him, and their feelings are very good, but why do they always inevitably quarrel when it comes to communication?
We all know that the premise of not quarreling is complete agreement, but even the closest couples have little secrets that no one knows. And when a person hides a personality that the other half does not understand, there is no guarantee of complete agreement. When two men and women have differences, emergencies occur, and they are not handled well, the conversation will get out of control, the intimate relationship will continue to deduct points, and the quarrel will occur naturally.
In addition to this, there is another important factor, which is also the main cause of quarrels between men and women. Because men tend to think rationally and pour out facts; women tend to think emotionally and talk about attitudes. Therefore, when this feature is reflected in the communication between the two sides, it is manifested in the fact that men prefer to be reasonable, and women care more about each other's attitude towards themselves.
The reason for this is that "men are rational animals and women are emotional animals". Communication, for women, is the outlet for emotional venting, and most men hope to solve things through communication.
If it is still difficult to understand, it can be seen by an example.
The sink was full of dirty, greasy dishes waiting to be washed, and although the wife saw it, she also had to iron her clothes and wait for the water to boil to make milk powder for the baby. The husband, on the other hand, sat on the couch and leisurely read the newspaper.
At this time, the wife is about to explode. The point where she broke out was: I was in a hurry, I couldn't free my hands, and you didn't know to take the initiative to help me wash the dishes. I am the only one in this family to pay, which is really wronged.
As soon as her mind turned, the wife said to her husband, "You really don't know how to be considerate of me, and you don't do anything!" The tone was full of anger and resentment.
And the husband is very inexplicable, he feels that he is just sitting on the sofa reading the newspaper, neither throwing garbage outside the garbage can, nor directly throwing the bones on the dining table, nothing wrong.
Therefore, for the wife's sudden anger, the husband is also a little angry: "What a good grudge!" This sentence directly became the fuse of two people quarreling, two people
A big fight between them is on the verge of breaking out, and may even develop from a quarrel to a physical conflict, completely deviating from the original purpose of the conversation.
In fact, this is a very small thing. However, it is because of the difference in the thinking of men and women, and there is a deviation. The wife thinks that the dirty bowl is placed in the dishwashing sink, you must have seen it, and if you don't brush the dishes now, you are lazy and don't know how to understand people. However, most of the men are grinning widely, even if they hold the dirty bowl in front of his eyes, do you dare to say that he can really notice? More importantly, it was hard for him to think that he should take the initiative to clean the dirty dishes.
If the wife can speak out directly about her demands, it is very simple. She said directly: "There are a lot of dishes in the sink that need to be washed, I can't free my hands, you have to wash them if you are fine." With that said, the husband would not feel offended, but would happily run to wash the dishes. The husband will not be angry, but will feel that he has done too little, so he obediently runs to wash the dishes.
However, he did not make clear the causes and consequences, and did not tell his own lawsuit
Seek and hope to solve the things, direct temper tantrums and vent emotions, then the information transmission will appear short-circuit, resulting in improper transmission.
At this time, it is not the time to continue talking. Because one pays attention to the tone, attitude and wording of the conversation, while the other is concerned with the situation itself from beginning to end, he will even be foolish, not at all to notice that the confrontation between the two sides has begun to misalign, and does not know why the woman's anger is coming from.
Then, no matter how hard you try to communicate, it will have no effect. On the contrary, it will cause more and more heated quarrels between the two sides, and more time and energy will be lost, and the previous efforts will be sunk costs.
What is sunk cost? It means that when we decide to do something, there must be inputs, and those non-recyclable and unproductive inputs are sunk costs. Just like we want to communicate reasonably with each other, but the result is worse, then the effort and energy paid before it have become a sunk cost and cannot be recovered.
Therefore, it is necessary to know how to use brake technology in time. It's like saying that when you're driving, you see a pole suddenly appear in front of you, and in order to avoid hitting the pole and avoiding greater losses, you have to step on the brakes in time.
I have a cadet who often "fights" with my husband. Both men have a fiery temper and often quarrel over a little thing. Even, sometimes do not pay attention to the environment and time, in the middle of the night three more also have to make a big noise, provoking neighbors to call the police. She is also very bitter, afraid that the feelings of the two people will become weaker and weaker, and in the end they will really be separated because of the quarrel. But the next quarrel still did not change. I asked her to try the quarrel braking technique, and when the quarrel was about to start, or in the germination state, she stepped on the brakes in time to kill the quarrel.
Men and women get along, is a process of constantly seeking common ground while reserving differences, if a little more rational thinking and patience when communicating, know how to choose the brake when the quarrel comes, you can stop the quarrel in time, each other will be more and more compatible, the feelings can be deeper.