introduction
In my years of educational practice, I have found that many parents seem to have something difficult to say: How come my children are getting older and less like to talk to me? This is true even if the child encounters difficulties.
According to common sense, when children encounter difficulties that cannot be solved, the first thing they think of must be to seek help from their parents, and every child is like this when they are young.
However, as their children grow up, many parents are quite helpless to find that their children no longer have the same "heart to heart" as they did when they were young, and there are fewer words and more hearts.
We can't boil down all the problems to the fact that children don't like to communicate when they grow up. In my opinion, the root cause lies in the wrong mode of communication between parents and children.
Children growing up, will inevitably encounter difficulties of one kind or another, at this time they will look for help? Parents are often their first to turn to. If we parents recall it well, we will find that our children have also looked for us and hoped to solve the problem, but we have unconsciously dispelled the child's expectations because of neglect, rejection or improper handling.
When a child finds that there is no way to ask for help, he may give up trying to find his parents to communicate.
For example, many children who are bullied in school, although they have a lot of grievances in their hearts, do not dare to take the initiative to tell their parents when they return home. Although the reasons are many, they must be related to the fact that the child has had the experience of "no way to ask for help" in the past, and the child has lost trust in his parents, so he prefers to endure this physical and mental pain silently, and is no longer willing to open his mouth to his parents.
How can the deadlock in this regard be broken? The following four tricks provide us with ideas for effective problem solving.
01 Detect the abnormal signal that the child wants to say but does not dare to say in time
Some children want to say but dare not say, there are two reasons, one is that it is difficult for children to express their meaning in words; the other is that children are afraid that after expressing it, it will bring worse consequences.
In this case, they will unconsciously use some more out-of-the-ordinary behaviors to vent, such as biting nails, avoiding the eyes of their parents, academic regression, and so on.
For us parents, it is best to detect the abnormal behavior they want to say but dare not say in time before the child uses out-of-line behavior to vent, so as to occupy the initiative of education.
When our parents perceive these signals in time, we can find an opportunity to sit down and communicate with our children, listen to their opinions, and actively guide children to release the negative emotions behind abnormal behavior.
02 Take the initiative to accept your child's current emotions
Whether it is an adult or a child, when encountering stress, it is inevitable that negative emotions such as fear, anger and sadness will occur.
If the child has these negative emotions, we do not treat them with a repulsive attitude and try to prevent the child's emotional response. For example, if the child feels wronged and cries, we will rebuke or stop the child: "Don't cry!" There's nothing to cry about! ”
If you do this, there will undoubtedly be two drawbacks: on the one hand, it will make the child feel that the parents cannot become the one he relies on when he encounters difficulties, and he will no longer want to tell the truth to the parents in the future; on the other hand, the child's emotions that are suppressed by the hard life are not actually eliminated, but will find other channels to vent, which will often become the source of tragedy that causes a very small number of children to go to extremes.
Therefore, it is more reasonable to learn to open our arms and take the initiative to accept the child's current emotions, whether this emotion is what we are happy to see.
03 Listen patiently to your child's expression and don't rush to conclusions
Let us think back to the children when we were young, which one of them did not go around the feet of their parents all day long, and wanted to tell their parents about big and small things, but when they went to primary school, the children suddenly stopped surrounding their parents all day long? This phenomenon is indeed worth pondering.
Many parents complain that their children are reluctant to communicate, and when they return home, they hide in their rooms, and any questions they ask about their parents are only perfunctory.
In fact, the child's reluctance to communicate with their parents, in addition to the reasons why the child begins to have a personal privacy concept as he grows older, is largely related to the wrong communication pattern created by the parents themselves.
For example, parents no longer accept their children's words and deeds with love as they did when they were young, and begin to become anxious, which is bound to affect the child's normal mood.
Therefore, when children are stating the problems they are experiencing, we parents should be patient enough to listen to every word the child says.
In this process, the child may stutter because of nervousness, or can not say a few words, at this time we must control our restless emotions, with the greatest patience to listen to the child's expression. This performance of parents can meet the child's security needs. When children feel safe, they will be willing to tell their parents what they are saying.
In addition, we parents can also make full use of their rich body language to convey these signals to their children:
One is that parents care a lot about every word the child says; the second is that the parents empathize with the child's emotions; the third is that the parents believe the facts stated by the child; and the fourth is that the parents trust the child to make appropriate judgments.
04 Parents control their emotions and send support signals to their children
When children state the emotional pressure they are under to their parents, parents must properly control their emotions and send support signals to their children.
Parents' good emotions and supportive attitudes can warm the child, give the child the courage to face the challenges of the future, of course, the child is also willing to confide in the parents of their hearts.
epilogue
When we encounter a situation where children are reluctant to talk to themselves, we may wish to reflect on whether our previous communication patterns are right or wrong, and find the cause of the problem, which is more conducive to finding a solution to the problem.
After all, if we want to gain the trust of our children, we must first learn to trust our children! Only based on this high level of trust in the child by the parents can the child be willing to open his mouth to the parent.