On February 8, in the final of the freestyle ski women's big jump at the Beijing Winter Olympics, China's Gu Ailing surpassed his limits in the third jump, made a 1620 grab board that had never been tried before, scored 94.50 points, and surpassed the first place in the ranking, winning the championship!
Gu Ailing is becoming a new "national idol" and setting an example for more teenagers.
A series of topics around Gu Ailing have attracted the attention of the majority of netizens, and a picture of Gu Ailing's family situation has been circulated on the Internet, and netizens have tried to analyze how Gu Ailing grew up in the educational background from the background of family members:
If the information in the above figure is true, the success of Gu Ailing's family education is indeed extremely difficult to be copied by ordinary families.
Some people may say that Gu Ailing's family is good, her family is highly educated, has a good "genetic inheritance", and her own efforts will definitely succeed.
However, there are many children from the "rich" who obviously win at the starting line, but in the end they are "invisible to everyone", I believe that everyone has seen many such examples.
So, how to reasonably allocate family education resources and correctly cultivate their children? Take a look at the story shared by Song Shaowei, executive director of the Learning Science Laboratory of the Department of Psychology of Tsinghua University, in the book "Notes on Learning to Heal". Maybe it can give you some inspiration.
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The girl holds Grandpa in her left hand and Her father in her right hand; Grandpa wants to go to the left, and Daddy has to go to the right.
The girl looked helplessly at her mother, only to see that her mother's face was also full of helplessness.
Where do I go from here? The girl fell into a deep helplessness...
Case background
Yiyi in the second grade of primary school comes from an elite family, from childhood has attracted much attention, the family conditions are excellent, but Yiyi has obvious learning and psychological problems, and sometimes there will be eye twitching, the class teacher suggested that Yiyi come to do learning treatment.
I learned that Yiyi's grandfather and grandmother are retired cadres, my father is the president of a multinational company, and my mother was originally an excellent dancer and is now a full-time wife. Grandpa, Grandma and Dad all have high expectations for their children.
Initial reception
On this day, a family of five, including Yiyi's father, mother, grandfather and grandmother, came to the Heart Listening Learning and Therapy Consultation Center, and it was obvious that the whole family attached great importance to the child's education. Yi Yi was tall, dressed very delicately, and when he entered the door, he bowed his head and did not speak, occasionally his eyes twitched rapidly, and his body made some strange small movements.
To gather information for the first reception, I spoke separately with each of the visitors.
Yi Yi's father was wearing a suit and meticulously wearing a tie, looking very energetic. He confidently introduced himself, graduated from the "985" famous school in China to study in the top five universities in the Uk to receive elite education. Now a multinational company serves as president and spends nearly half of its time abroad each year. Because of his education and work experience, YiYi's father has a good understanding of Chinese and Western cultures. He believes that Yiyi will definitely deal with people from various countries when he grows up, so he must receive a combination of Chinese and Western education and have an international vision. To make up for the narrow coverage of public primary education, he asked for music lessons, ballet lessons, fencing lessons and equestrian lessons. "I have the ability to give my children the best education, and Yiyi must become a qualified intercultural elite." Dad concluded.
Yi Yi's mother dressed up beautifully. Regarding the expectations and education of children, she said: "Yiyi's father, grandfather and grandmother are very highly educated, they are strict with their children, and I don't need to do anything more. Dad and Grandpa sometimes quarreled over Yiyi's education, and I was very uncomfortable sandwiched in the middle, and I couldn't say who was right and who was wrong. Sometimes my grandmother was also very impatient, and even punished herself for making mistakes, which I was worried about, but I could not persuade her. I see that Yiyi is in a bad mood, so I will buy her more delicious and fun, and be close to the baby. "It sounds like Yiyi's mother is a bit outside of family education, and she doesn't have much to say in it."
Yi Yi's grandfather was dressed in Tang costumes, his eyes were sharp, his pace was steady, and he had a very cultural background in speaking. He believes that traditional Chinese culture is the greatest treasure trove, so from the age of two, He taught Yiyi to recite the classics. With the Tang poetry enlightenment, and then the four books and five classics, every week to let Yiyi take a chinese study class, practice brush writing. In addition, Grandpa also criticized the phenomenon of excessive Westernization of the current education model, and he believed that the national is the world. Obviously, there is a big disagreement between Grandpa and Dad in terms of educational philosophy.
Yi Yi's grandmother is wearing a simple and neat sweater, speaking sonorously and powerfully, and is more anxious. Speaking of Yiyi's cultural class learning, Grandma first said a series of many shortcomings of the child, such as poor learning, lack of concentration, procrastination in doing things, and finally took the responsibility to herself - all blamed when Grandma did not do a good job and did not manage the child well. Grandma also said that if Yiyi is not obedient or does not study well, she will be very anxious, and sometimes when she is anxious to beat herself, Yiyi will obey and study. Later, I learned that the situation of my grandmother hitting her own head appeared many times, and once even hit the blood, and the child was frightened at that time, and the atmosphere did not dare to come out.
Finally, I had a separate conversation with Yiyi. Yi Yi said that Grandma's requirements for her cultural class grades were too high, and she had worked very hard but she still couldn't meet Grandma's standards. If she didn't do well, Grandma began to blame herself, and Yi yi was very guilty about it.
Sometimes when I saw my grandmother in a hurry to hit her own head, Yiyi was both sad and scared, and she felt that she was not good anywhere. Grandpa sometimes tells herself idioms stories, and Yiyi likes to listen to them, but the Chinese studies taught by grandpa are difficult, and she can't understand many of them. When she was a child, she could just memorize it, but now that grandpa asked herself to be able to explain the meaning, she felt particularly difficult. Dad is often not at home, as soon as he comes home, he picks her faults, but Dad also picks the problems of Grandpa and Grandma, and every time he comes back, he can't help but quarrel. Dad said that Grandpa's Chinese studies class took up too much of Yiyi's time, which she agreed with; but Dad also gave a lot of lessons, like piano or something, every day to practice, she felt that the burden was very heavy, every day to finish it very late. Mom was not bad, always coaxing herself, but she hoped that her mother would save her from the excessive burden.
Preliminary analysis
Yiyi's family can be said to be a "giant", and each member is the elite of his own industry.
Yi Yi lives with her father and mother, and lives upstairs and downstairs with her grandfather and grandmother's family, and her connection is very close. The four adults raised this child together, and all hoped that Yiyi would become an elite talent in the future.
It is reasonable to say that the education of four people working together and Yiyi should be very easy. However, in fact, everyone in the family is educating the children according to their own ideas, in different directions. This is like drawing an illustration of the four forces subjected to a particle in physics, due to the different directions of each force, resulting in a large part canceling out each other, and the magnitude of the combined force is much smaller than the absolute value of the four force added.
Obviously, there is a lack of effective communication between the four parents, and some ideas and practices can even be said to be the opposite, but they all have a strong execution. This makes Yiyi's family education very fragmented, like bathing with water of different temperatures: one moment putting the child in cold water, one moment carrying it out and putting it in hot water, one moment it is cold water, the next moment using hot water... So repeatedly, it is strange that the child is not "sick".
Therefore, in view of the serious discord between the concept of family education and the implementation, it is first necessary to adjust the value decisions of parents.
The course of treatment
Return to your role
In family education, the reasonable positioning of the role is the basis for the smooth development of parent-child education. Yi Yicai is in the second grade of primary school, which is the age that needs warmth and companionship from the family, and the child should grow up in a warm and loving atmosphere. First of all, I did the work for the whole family to help each of them return to their most authentic role and do their lowest job.
Previously, Grandpa was first a Chinese studies teacher, followed by a loving grandpa, and the role positioning was really upside down. Therefore, Grandpa's most important task is to be a loving grandpa first, and then he is a teacher of Chinese studies.
As a grandmother, first of all, she should be a kind grandmother, but now her grandmother has become a primary school teacher, and at the same time a class teacher who disciplines and judges children everywhere. Grandma should also return to her original position, first be a kind grandmother, and then care about her children's learning.
Dad is on a business trip all year round and does not have the objective conditions that affect the child's learning and growth every day. But every time he returned home, his father became a picky person and a referee, dissatisfied with the child's learning status, and did not agree with the educational philosophy of other parents. Therefore, the first task of the father is to give the child enough support and care in the limited companionship time, and reshape the thick image of fatherly love.
Mother has less say in family education, once there is a quarrel at home, mother does not dare to come forward, always listen to father, grandfather, grandmother. In fact, the mother has the most ability to adjust the differences between the two sides, and should be more courageous. At the same time, when Yiyi has a problem, her mother should give her a warm hug and encourage her to face the problem and meet the challenge, not just coax. In this way, the mother will not be a "transparent person" in the process of her child's growth.
Source pexls
Faced with the repositioning of family roles, every family member, including Yiyi, agreed. The four adults actually want to help Yiyi grow up healthily, but due to historical problems, there has been a lack of effective communication and cooperation, which is precisely the focus of the study therapist.
Yi Yi was also very happy to see the adults reach an agreement, and her eyes were full of longing when she thought of growing up in a home full of warmth and care.
It is urgent to reduce the burden
The four guardians returned to their respective roles, but the educational concept of Yiyi had not yet been unified. Children are also facing the triple pressure of school learning, traditional Chinese classrooms and Western-style aristocratic education, and the burden is too heavy. Reducing the burden on children is the consensus of everyone after the return of the role, but which part of the educational content to cut has become a new problem.
However, without the tip of the needle to Mai Mang, the family sat down and calmly discussed, in fact, for children of this age, the interest in learning is more important than anything. Therefore, the burden reduction plan I gave was reduced from the extracurricular classes, only considering the subjects that the children were most interested in, and the number of extracurricular classes was reduced from 11 to 3. At this time, The Chinese and Western styles are not so clear.
Clear division of labor and cooperation
At first, I proposed that Yiyi live separately from my grandfather and grandmother, but the whole family objected. So, I stepped back and helped everyone make some time agreements. Grandpa and grandma can arrange more travel and go out to enrich their retirement life, and no longer take the education of Yiyi as the focus of life. At the same time, it is recommended that Grandpa no longer require Yiyi to memorize and analyze the content of Chinese studies that is too profound, and to accompany children to practice calligraphy and tell stories. Grandma is mainly responsible for making good food for the child, caring for the child in life, and not interfering too much in learning. Dad is responsible for the child's English learning, every time through the Network and the child in English communication, more discover the advantages of the child and the family, give affirmation and encouragement; the mother not only to dress the child beautifully, but also to lead the child's education problems, take the main responsibility. For math and language learning issues, specially arranged tutors are assisted to provide companion learning tutoring in accordance with the requirements of the learning therapy curriculum.
Under such a rearrangement, the four parents each performed their duties, each of them did their own role, no longer had the force of the opposite direction, and greatly reduced the family quarrel. In the warm and peaceful family atmosphere, the child's mentality is slowly getting better, the personality is cheerful and sunny, and the phenomenon of twitching is slowly decreasing. Soon, Yiyi's academic performance in school also caught up, and the whole person slowly regained his self-confidence. Before the holiday, Yiyi's mother called me to tell me that Yiyi's final three subjects were above 95 points, ranking among the top in the class.
Review summary
Family life cycle theory tells us that as the family life cycle changes in stages, the roles of individuals in the family change accordingly. From single young people leaving their original families, to establishing new families through marriage, to giving birth to young children, to children entering puberty, to children leaving to form a new family, everyone has experienced the transformation process of the role of being a child, becoming themselves, becoming a parent, and being a grandparent. With the change of age, everyone should adjust different identity roles in time, and at the same time, distinguish between work roles and family roles to avoid confusion. If the roles of family members in a family are unclear, especially if the parents bring the work role back to the family, the child is easily burdened with additional burdens, and learning and life will be affected.
To be honest, each of Yiyi's parents turned out to be more or less in a state of role confusion. Normally, in a family of three generations, children enjoy the care of two generations of elders, namely, father, mother, grandfather (grandfather) and grandmother (grandmother). In the Yiyi family, there is a lack of corresponding roles, replaced by a flattering "nanny" mother, a "referee" father who likes to judge, a picky "class teacher" grandmother, and a strict "Chinese studies teacher" grandfather, so that children are often overwhelmed. And parents are also unable to form a common goal for the future of Yiyi because of their unclear roles and mutual wrestling, let alone effective division of labor.
In addition, we should remind everyone that when parents teach their children knowledge, they must first clarify what their role is. Do not mistakenly think that you are the child's teacher, according to your own ideas to the child to assign tasks that violate the principles of education, the result of this will only gradually consume the child's interest in learning, resulting in poor grades, boredom and other adverse consequences. A better way to deal with it is that parents should first give their children love attention, guide children to actively develop interests and abilities, take the problems in learning as common challenges, study and overcome them together, and remember that we are children's learning partners rather than teachers.
The harmonious unity of family values is the basis for the healthy growth of children. Parents in the family to their own place, each to perform their duties, in order to give children a suitable growth of fertile soil.
Author: Song Shaowei
Source: Notes on Learning to Heal
Part of the diagram originates from the network
Copyright belongs to the original author