Mothers of three: Why are we willing to have more children? | the new fertility era

Reporter | Zhao Meng

Edit | Zhai Ruimin

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After the introduction of the three-child birth policy, encouraging fertility has become the consensus of Chinese society, but the long-formed concept of fertility and the high cost of raising have caused many young parents to fall into fertility anxiety. However, there are still many people who are willing to have three children.

Which families are having three children? How are their concepts of fertility different? How do they raise three children? Interface News spoke with three mothers of three children from different regions (first-tier, second- and third-tier cities and suburban rural areas) and different occupations (business, working women in the system and full-time mothers), and asked them to share the unique "multi-child parenting experience".

The experience of these three-child families reminds people that if they change their concept of fertility and adjust their parenting style, ordinary families can afford to have three children. Of course, they also expect the policy to provide more convenience and support for multi-child families. Here's what they have to say:

Ms. Zhang: The cost of three children is not three times that of a child

My hometown is from the northeast, but our husband and wife have lived in Beijing for more than 20 years. I was 32 years old when I was born, and then I had two or three children in a row, and we all felt very precious when I was older.

I think it is very important for marriage to have children, and only when you get married and have children can you better run in and create. This is also the realization of my 20-year marriage. Now my marriage is relatively strong, and our husband and wife play more like "baby partners", with a shared vision of raising children happier than their parents.

Our three children are 9, 6 and 3 years old. The third child was born before the policy was introduced, which is considered to be a "super birth", but the previous policy was not too strict, and we could register for the hukou when we were born.

We didn't plan to have Three Treasures before, but when we found out we were pregnant, we decided to give birth to him. The father-in-law said at the time that the child must be born, and he could at least take care of it until kindergarten. This gave us a lot of encouragement, we felt that this should be the case, no need to plan specifically, come should be born, and did not consider the "fine" factor.

Raising a baby is really exhausting, but time flies by quickly, the children are quietly growing up, one grows up at the same time, the other is also growing up, so it is more appropriate to raise a few more if you calculate the economic account. The child also gave me a magical power, I used to be more timid, belong to the well-behaved and cautious people who like to enjoy, with the child become brave, not afraid of hard work, dare to bear.

We husband and wife run a mother and baby shop, which is not within the system, so there are flexible times. Very few people I know have three children. I was in several groups of 500 mothers, and the only one who had three children was me and another mother. In addition, I know a water delivery person, an audio business, and an electronic screen salesman, and they all have three children. These people are all doing small business and have flexible time.

The pressure of raising a child is mainly in the early childhood articulation stage, which is equivalent to the kindergarten class. In order to catch up with the progress of primary schools, many parents have to enroll their children in classes, which cost a lot in Beijing, and parents are also anxious. However, different living standards have different parenting styles, and we have not made any money in recent years, so we do not want to raise children with high standards. Now that schooling is free in the compulsory education stage, after the "double reduction" policy cancels various tutoring classes, the pressure to raise children is really not so great.

When you have three children, you are more at ease with them, unlike raising a child, and it is like walking on thin ice when the child is very large. My eldest went to school by himself in the first grade, not because the children were particularly capable, but because the adults were assured. When he was in the second grade, he could take the 8 bus stops alone to his aunt's house for online classes. Our feeling is that the more you trust him, the more self-reliant, self-reliant and confident he is.

Ms. Zhang's eldest son made dumplings for his mother alone when she was 7 years old. Image source: Courtesy of the interviewee

When we gave birth to the second eldest, we told the boss that there was one more person in the family who loved you, and told him that this brother needed your care. Therefore, the eldest has been waiting with us for the birth of his brother. He liked this younger brother very much and would not feel that he had robbed his parents of his love for him. Our three children never fight, and the big ones take care of the little ones.

Someone asked me, how do you take care of your three children when you take them out? Three children running in three directions, how do you chase alone? This question must be asked by people who have never had three children. As soon as the three children go out, they play in a pile, where the brother is, the younger brothers are where they are, like a group of small animals, the younger brother is the older brother's tail, not that the three children will run around.

Some people also ask, having three children costs three times as much to have one? Not at all. Toys, children's books, strollers, etc., the boss can use the second can also be used, the third can also be used. I told a story at night, and the three of them listened together; I cooked a meal and the three ate together; I coaxed them to sleep, and the three slept together. For the two younger brothers, because of the sharing of the eldest, it is not as laborious as bringing one. Children playing together is also better than adults taking him to play.

For multi-child families, it is important to have a good family relationship. My husband is a very diligent kind of person who takes on a lot of the tasks of feeding at night. From pregnancy to confinement, I had very little rest time, because I had to work during the day to run an online shop, so he was at home with the children. I didn't think it was too hard to bring up my three children, but also because of his sharing.

Yang Bo: Every birth and raising is a re-growth of adults

We live in a western city, and there are more two-child families around us than in the whole country. However, many two-child families are very anxious and shuttle through various interest classes all day long. For this kind of family, many people are afraid to have three children.

We also didn't plan to have three children, his arrival was an accident, but I also didn't refuse to have more children. When the eldest was very young, we told him that there must be more children in the family, let them know that there are younger brothers and sisters, everyone loves each other, lively, and the family will be very happy. So my family gave birth to the second and third eldest, and the eldest children never felt that they had robbed them of their love.

Some parents say that children do not want their parents to have a second child, in fact, more often because of the parents. Parents have always told their children, you see how hard I raise you, or you see how good it is now, our whole family revolves around you alone. These words can also inadvertently affect the child.

Now that the children are older, they sometimes quarrel and fight, but they will soon be reconciled, and then the eldest will hold his brother and call him baby. I see that it is very happy, for multi-child families, parents are really hard, but there is a sense of happiness from the heart.

Some people worry that having more children hurts the body, but in fact, the key lies in the confinement period. When I gave birth to the Three Treasures, the amount of hair increased, because I supplemented nutrition when I was pregnant, so my physique became better and better. All three of my children were born smoothly, and the first one was really painful, and my hands were swollen. Later, the second and third elders were born, and one was born faster than the other. I am 37 years old, but the third is better than the second.

Before the birth of the second child, my family's parenting plan for the eldest was similar to that of many one-child families. Before the age of 5, he was "free-range", did not learn anything, and then found that the families around him were enrolling in various interest classes, and we also began to enroll him in classes. When I was in elementary school, I found that I couldn't keep up with the progress, and we were very anxious to give him a make-up lesson.

Of course, I try to create good conditions for my children as much as possible, but I don't put a lot of pressure on myself. Now, I try to find them all kinds of interest classes. Sometimes, I would weigh which interest class would be better for them, such as basketball and hip-hop, basketball classes according to their hobbies, and calligraphy classes.

There are many inconveniences for parents for children to go to school, including the transfer of interest classes. I hope that the whole society and the government can provide some convenience for our multi-child families. My family's Dabao and Erbao are enrolled in different school districts, so two adults must pick up and drop off the children separately. The cost of three children is definitely quite a bit higher, especially in various interest classes, but it is not three times that of raising a child.

Some people may ask, you want to raise children well, and you want to have more children, so tired? Or, since you don't have so much energy, why do you have to raise so fine? I'm really ambivalent about that. Now that the social competition is so big, if the children can't go to college in the future, I really feel sorry for the children. I hope to do my best to develop children's abilities in all aspects, eat and wear, I did not give them the best, but to cultivate their various abilities, I think it is very important.

I often teach children to cook, and men must cultivate cooking from an early age. From a female perspective, I think that boys must cultivate their love of housework from an early age, they must be responsible, and they must be considerate of women. My family's second treasure is now 5 years old and can already cook his own noodles. Boss weakness, but also do tomato scrambled eggs.

After having more children, they are more willing to let go of their children. After I gave birth to the second treasure, I let the boss go to the event by himself, and he followed the instructor to Fangcheng Port to participate in the summer camp at the age of 6. I used to worry about my children being abducted and sold when I went out, afraid of falling, afraid of being robbed by bad people, afraid of choking on food. After having a few children, you will teach them that this is a skill you should learn and cope with.

I think that every time I have a child, it is a re-growth of an adult. Some people think that work and raising children seem to be very contradictory, but I think the two are mutually reinforcing. Once you have kids, you'll be more motivated.

When I was single before, I also felt that I was busy, but at that time, I was busy earning money just to satisfy myself. But when you have a family and children, you feel, wow, this is a new hope. Your perception of work is different again, you will work harder and be more motivated.

Ms. Li: Brotherhood is the best gift for children

The third has just turned two years old, so I now take care of the children full-time. If you decide to have three children, basically women need to be prepared to stay at home full-time. Now parents attach great importance to their children's education, and usually teachers have high requirements for parents, and some homework needs parents to "punch in" and urge children to complete. If you have to go to work and take care of three children, you will definitely not be busy.

My situation is more special, because the birth of three children was before the policy was introduced, so I was dismissed by the unit and have been working as a full-time mother at home since then. Even so, I still have my mother-in-law to help, which is equivalent to two adults taking care of three children.

My family didn't start with plans to have three children. After giving birth to the second eldest, I entered some population groups, and the discussion in it had a greater impact on my concept, life and reproduction is the driving force for the progress of human society, and the concept of having many children and many blessings has deep roots, so I decided to have a third child. At first, the child's father was a little hesitant, but later accepted.

Friends, relatives and neighbors around me, almost no one has three children. Our hometown belongs to the countryside, there are more than 3,000 people in the village, dozens of kilometers away from Hangzhou City, because facing demolition, one more person in the family can share more than one demolition payment, or one more house, but I specifically asked the village cadres in my hometown last time, whether there are three children, the other party said that there is no one but you.

Raising three children, although it is really hard to take care of daily life, but the pressure on the economic level is not as great as imagined. But also depends on how you raise, we are not the kind of refined parenting style, eating, wearing, living, traveling are more casual, extracurricular classes, early education classes are not reported, is at home with their own.

For toys and clothes, the three children can use each other, so they don't buy new ones. And I'm breastfeeding, so I save money on milk powder. Overall, apart from personal time and effort, I don't think it costs much to have three children.

Of course, the age interval of the three children should also be appropriate, the difference between the eldest and the second in our family is 4 years, the difference between the second and the third is 3 years, the toys and clothes of the eldest children, the small one can be used. This age difference, the big can also help parents take care of the small, saving parents' energy.

After giving birth to my third child, I almost broke off contact with my former work circle and classmates, and now there is basically no social circle, they think I am an "outlier". But I don't think it matters at all, but I think there are too many fake things in the previous social circles. I now feel that it is more valuable to take good care of my children and family.

I used to think that no income would be worrying, but when you really get into this state, you will feel that it is not a big deal. My husband is now the only one who earns money to support the family, his income is not high, and we are still a bit of a "nibbling on the old" state. But more money is more to spend, less money is less to spend, and I now think that money is enough to cover daily expenses.

When a child is sick, it is the hardest, sometimes he has a fever and cough, and adults may not be able to sleep all night, but this situation is only one day or two days a year. With the experience of taking the eldest and the second, it is much easier to take the third, we have not been to the hospital once after the birth of the third, and we know how to deal with the small diseases of colds and fevers.

In the early growth of children, the role of mothers is more important, during this time I will continue to be a good mother at home, not ready to work for a while, and wait until the third year goes to kindergarten to consider my work.

The three children now get along very well, after all, they are close relatives, and they are not the same as cousins, cousins, classmates or relatives. Therefore, brotherhood is the best gift for children, and missing it is a big regret in life. This kind of feeling does not need me to educate, they are born.

(Yang Bo is a pseudonym in the text)