Last week, I met Kaiwen Xu, a former psychiatrist at Peking University, who invented the term "hollow heart disease." He told a bunch of unsatisfactory stories of Rich Parents and Hollow Kids in Kochi.
After listening, I suddenly had some new ideas about education, and my mentality of being a mother was sublimated. It turns out that the knowledge of parents cannot be learned, and they are all realized.
Author: miki porridge; the source of this article: the public account "miki porridge". If you like the Blue Oak article, remember to "star" us!
........................................
First, the concept
The first story is of a high school student consulted by Dr. Xu who climbed to the roof of the school twice when he was a sophomore in high school and was rescued twice.
This is the real thing.
Both parents are university professors, but the children do not want to die, and the family is very anxious to come to the consultation. After sitting down, the family of three began to quarrel, do you know what the problem is?
Saying that everyone may not believe it, it is a very CCTV problem, what is happiness.
In the eyes of this parent, what is happiness?
Husband and wife are both post-60s towns to do problems, from the northern countryside one problem after another to achieve doctoral graduation, stayed in Beijing colleges and universities as teachers. In their eyes, they eat enough and wear warmly, and life is very happy.
The child was anxious as soon as he heard it. He said, No wonder you say all day long that I am not blessed in the midst of blessings. I have never felt the misfortune of not having enough to eat and wear, how can I feel that eating and wearing is happiness?
He feels that happiness is a dialogue that can be equally respected by parents.
Mom and Dad are anxious when they hear it, how can we be unequal and disrespectful? How is it not democratic? Everything makes your own decisions, everything makes your own choices...
The child retorted, yes, you will let me speak, listen to my opinions, and let me make decisions. But... You will surely prove my decision wrong.
Proving that children's choices are wrong is not all big problems such as further education, but some small details of life.
Before a mother said, do not understand what the current child wants, a question is casual, a choice is not like.
Take, for example, eating. After school, I have to learn the piano, and the mother and daughter on the middle road have to solve dinner. As soon as the mother asked what to eat, the child said whatever. Mom thought to myself that I want democracy, and you have to choose one you like.
The child said, eat McDonald's. Mom said it was junk food.
The child said, what about eating boiled fish? Mom said, this is too greasy.
The child said, is it good to eat meat sandwich steamed buns? Mom said that this has no vegetables and is unbalanced in nutrition.
The child stopped talking.
Mom continued to ask, what to eat? Children don't look at it and throw a sentence, casually. Mom thought again, how can you be such a child, I asked you what you said casually!
At this moment, the child's heart is completely flat, anyway, choosing what is your reason, not casually A child can do anything?
Being aware of democracy, but not enforcing democracy at the operational level, is a "false democratic parent."
Image source: Xiao Shede
Dr. Xu said that he had intervened in a suicide attempt and found that the child had no reason to commit suicide: the family was happy, the parents were harmonious, and the school was good. Why die? The child himself does not know.
After in-depth and long-term consultation, I found an important reason: my parents never knocked on my door when they entered my room. And thus came to the conclusion that "they do not respect me and can decide everything about me at will."
Dr. Xu said that when discussing this matter with the parents of the children, their first reaction was "incomprehensible":
Why do I enter my house and knock on the door?
We are not used to knocking on doors, and it is our parents who are even less accustomed to knocking than we are.
Because of the limited family environment, I did not have my own separate room when I graduated from college, sleeping in a narrow living room, 80cm wide single bed, overhead toilet and stepping on the kitchen. Isolated from the outside world, there is only a wardrobe, not even a bed curtain.
How can there be privacy? Not even a door.
The most annoying thing is that in the morning, before the neighbor aunt came to visit the door, walked past my bedside and shouted my mother's name.
A generation of people who don't deserve privacy, forty years old or feel uncomfortable with others suddenly breaking into their rooms, even if it's sneaking up to find something, or helping you clean up...
Parents think that helping you clean for you how can you not appreciate it? They have no idea that you have ten thousand grass and mud horses galloping in your heart at the moment:
Dirty death I do, don't come in without saying hello (my heart).
Our children are of the Internet generation, and through various cultural influences, the sense of personal independence is stronger, and they may see this matter as a sign of "whether I have a sense of existence or not".
A lot of kids will say, I've never lived in all these years, never lived for myself.
For them, giving up life easily is a matter of indifference.
Because, this is not mine.
Second, the challenge
We often use the experience of our youth to measure today's children, but times have changed, and children may still be children like us.
A phD supervisor said that his children refused to go to school. He asked the child what the reason was, and he couldn't say it clearly, but he was tired of school anyway.
The third grade child said that his parents were too simple and simple-minded. Mom and Dad are not convinced, how can we be simple-minded, good and evil are all doctoral supervisors, right?
Professor Xu said that he has come into contact with so many teenagers and feels that our generation is living a really simple life.
The reason is very simple, that is, when we are adolescence, our values are particularly single: five lectures, four beauty, three loves, and learn from Lei Feng's good example. We have no conflict of values, and we are very firm in the values of our lives, what is right and what is wrong, what is good and what is bad.
But our children, faced with an Internet world, know Plato, Socrates, and nihilism.
A schoolboy talked to me about Heidegger about philosophy already headed the Tao... They are more precocious than we are, but their values are also more confused and not well guided and educated.
School education is inherently insufficient, emphasizing "intellectual education" and lacking "moral education", and an education without morality can easily make this generation fall into a conflict of values.
High expectations parents will also pick up seedlings to help grow.
Chinese New Year's Eve last year, a colleague called Professor Xu and was very anxious, saying that he could not come to my home to intervene in the crisis? Something is going to happen to the child! After a serious conflict with his father, he wants to run away from home and threatens to commit suicide if he is not allowed to run away from home.
Professor Xu asked what was going on?
The child's father is a professor at Peking University. He grabbed the microphone and said, you must think that I am too demanding of my children, but in fact, I have no requirements for him, I admit to any university, I have already laid flat.
What else is angry about a lying father?
He said that being a person is the bottom line, and my son has no bottom line when he is a man. What is his son doing without a bottom line? Is it poisoned or gambled? None.
He went on to talk about his limits.
I am an adult. What is the adult bottom line? You have to go to work, right? I also don't like to go to work, but who will support the family if they don't go to work? So going to work is my bottom line as a person.
As a student, is the bottom line to do homework? Last semester I didn't care about the children, raided and checked, and there were 120 times in a semester when I didn't turn in homework. The child did not write homework, touched the bottom line of the father, and the two generations quarreled.
Professor Xu said that his daughter was a classmate of this child, he went to probe the truth, and found that the reason was that there was too much homework in the school, and it could not be done at eleven or twelve o'clock, the girls could only cry while writing, and the boys resisted, and half of them did not turn in their homework.
He said, do you know how hard it is for children to do their homework now?
The professors at Peking University Tsinghua University are helpless with science homework, and can only barely do a little history, Language and English. History is difficult, the topic is directly extracted from the twenty-four histories, the ancient text can not be understood, the topic can not be done.
This generation of children is facing such academic challenges, the average vocabulary of junior high school is more than 3,000, but when we read to college, the fourth level requires only 3,000.
Before a friend who was studying abroad said to me, a mother came to him, saying that she was not satisfied with the child's TOEFL score, and hoped that next time she could improve by 10 points and apply to a better school.
The friend didn't say anything, only suggested that she say: You go to take a TOEFL test and experience it.
This mother really listened to the advice to go to the exam, and the small test knife came back without saying a word. Because she understood one thing:
Raise a sentence yourself, and the child really tests two lines of tears.
3. Evaluation criteria
Professor Xu created a new word "hollow heart disease", 40% of the proportion of Peking University, let him think that only children in famous schools will be like this, and later after doing the evaluation of 100 college students and more than 8,000 middle school students across the country, it was found that "hollow heart disease" has nothing to do with the school section, and has nothing to do with famous schools or not, and this drug treatment is ineffective depression, which is common.
Even international schools are not a safe haven for parents.
There was a child in the south, his parents were bankers, and his life could be said to be very rich, and he didn't lack anything. He himself went to high school in an international school, not a fool, and studied super hard.
To what extent has this effort been made? From junior high school to high school, the learning time is getting longer and longer, eleven o'clock, twelve o'clock, one o'clock, two o'clock... In the second semester of my sophomore year of high school, I had reached three or four o'clock.
He began to self-harm and had suicidal thoughts.
Dr. Xu warned him and his parents to go to the hospital quickly and to save their lives before they could go to the hospital. As a result, the child was hospitalized for two days and was discharged.
The doctor asked why he was discharged?
He said the final exams were coming soon. He is the first place in the international school, the first place in the examination is his personality, and he must keep this persona, otherwise he is nothing.
He studied hard every day, just to protect people. The exam was certainly not to be missed, so he was discharged from the hospital.
After he was discharged from the hospital, Dr. Xu told him that his parents must take care of him, and he must be in danger now.
Two weeks later, the child's mother called and said that the child had ended her life with the chemistry she had learned.
Study is for the purpose of drawing knowledge points for the examination, the first examination is for the purpose of human design, and the brushing of points is for further education;
Do research and publish articles just to get a diploma, what to explore the mysteries of science, to lead the great development of mankind... It is better than graduation to find a stable meal.
This is the logic that parents have instilled in them for more than a decade: What is reading for? Just to find a good job. What does a good job look like? Money is more and less close to home.
Because the social evaluation criteria accepted by the parents are also very simple: success is to have money and status.
When children in Qingbei graduate, the best option for low-risk success is selected. Landing on Mars to explore the universe, most of them have not thought about it or been interested, what does human pride have to do with me?
Looking up at the starry sky can not be eaten as a meal, and more can not be eaten. The high-quality students of physics at the Fujian Academy school have all engaged in finance after graduation, and Hayeps's Chinese children have rushed back to China as intermediaries as soon as they graduate——
High IQ copied the shortcut of success, and immediately thought that selling famous school education money came the fastest.
A search for the Little Red Book, Harvard sister Qingbei brothers and sisters compete for the beauty, all try to be Internet celebrities, from now on life can lie flat...
This is already a kind of socialization success, the IVF graduates engage in one-on-one hour salary 2800... Isn't it?
Many times, parents think that pushing their children to a path of their own success, allowing him to repeat his life, achieve academic success, and make a lot of money to buy a big house is the success and happiness of life.
But now the main confusion of children is why they want to go to school?
To go to school after so much hardship is nothing more than to get into a good university. To get into a good university is nothing more than to find a good job. What about making more money? My parents had saved up three or four apartments, and they had to go to the big factory to do social animal 996, and they were exhausted.
Do I want such a life? Don't want, don't want kids. Because I don't want children to repeat this bad life.
The previous generation was lost in the material, and only then will the children's values be lost. The single evaluation criterion of society has pushed the problem of human fertility and nurturing to the end of the road.
Fourth, enlightenment
After listening to Professor Xu's story, I had some new ideas.
For example, in today's education, the most important thing to solve is the problem of "curiosity". Let the child first have love, pursuit, and desire for the world, and only then can he have the motivation to work hard and the self-driving force to learn.
Many people think that self-drive is cultivated, this is not right, self-drive is found.
Favorite things are not afraid of suffering.
Whether it's catching insects or playing ball, playing with mud or weaving rope, many children are so intoxicated that they even give up watching cartoons and playing games. These things are more important than what scores you get.
Opinions are not new, and someone has said it before.
Some people are anxious when they hear it, and they think that this is standing and talking without waist pain, the grades are pressed down, the pressure of further education is high, the teacher blows up your phone, can you not be anxious?
I'm also anxious. Even once defined himself as a parent of intermittent chicken babies —
Usually free range, looking for Huanggang and 53 volumes to brush continuously during the exam. No way, 5 minutes quick calculation does not pass the pass, the teacher can drive the parents crazy.
But what about brushing the questions and getting a high score, and finally going to school 666, stepping on the and transporting it into Peking University? 40% of The North University's hollow heart disease does not know what else to do after being admitted to a prestigious university.
My mother-in-law listened and was not convinced.
She taught me that you still have to give some pressure when you bring a child, and when there is pressure, you will get results. As old as she was, she worked hard to learn things, singing and reporting to the class of two teachers. One teacher takes the main class, and the other teacher changes the homework.
She said, I have worked so hard, why can't the children be more diligent?
I only asked her one question: If you didn't learn to sing and learn English, would you still take the initiative to find two teachers' classes?
The mother-in-law is honest and cute, and she shakes her head in a hurry, that must not be ah (love literature and art do not love learning)!
Therefore, self-driving force is not cultivated. Do what you like, and the child will be tireless.
Once I went to visit the school, the principal said that now the children have a heavy burden of schoolwork, and they are bored with homework every day. But there was a kid who chose tennis after class, and the practice was every day.
Once, at 8 o'clock in the evening, I saw him coming out of the stadium and the principal asked him if he was tired. He took a deep breath, really tired. The principal said, how can you not give up when you are tired? He said, because I like it.
Therefore, the most important technique for parents is not to force their children to produce grades, but to be able to think differently, try to understand their children and shield them from the wind and rain (especially from school pressure), and create a "space for curiosity".
If a child is extremely repulsive to mathematics, you can force yourself to learn it first?
Don't blindly believe that if you choose private, you will get space, and if you choose public, you will despair. Because the space is given by the parents, when the parents can withstand it, they can find gaps and penetrate the light everywhere.
Recently, a mother was very distressed and wanted to transfer from a public cow to an international school, saying that public teachers were too chicken blood and did not conform to their own educational philosophy. I asked how chicken blood was done? Call every day to force yourself to keep an eye on homework and exams.
The child is actually fine, the mother herself can not stand it, anxiety to the limit. She thought of a solution that was to transfer schools and change to a good school. But which school is no problem? What kind of education satisfies everyone? The only thing that healed her in the end was "to think about it herself."
For her, she has to understand what is most important for a child? Healthy body and mind, love life, can support themselves. On top of this goal, it is not difficult to choose.
Surely someone asks, what about learning? Doesn't it matter? Be in charge. Parents choose the school environment for their children to lay a good foundation.
But still have to believe that children love to learn to learn everywhere, children are a Puwa, he writes homework is Fei Ma, chickens do not move, it is better to let themselves a horse.
Fifth, delineate the key points
We raise children who belong to the future, so parents need to have a vision to see that the challenges faced by the next generation are no longer material, but come from the heart.
The problem they want to solve is: when the world is reconstructed and faces the unknown alone, can we still maintain the heart of a child and find a happy way out.
A friend sighed and said that we weren't that hard.
I said that times are different, and parents are no longer easy to be.
Our parents and fathers take us only to meet the needs of food and clothing, and now when we are parents with children, what we need is to look inward for light, which is much more difficult than eating ruts. What books, what classes, what expert quotations may not be easy to make, and in the end it is all up to you to understand.
Will be will be, will not be really not, like a child learning the Olympic numbers.
So chickens can't be babies, don't embarrass yourself, everyone is mortal.