The unconditional love and trust of parents is the best nourishment for children's growth.
As long as there is a parent as the backing, the child will not be afraid and withdraw from the big storm.
Author | summer
A few days ago, my friend told me about an incident that made her very sad.
When she was in the fifth grade of elementary school, she once had a quarrel with her classmates and was seen by the teacher.
The teacher only called her to the office, asked nothing, and began to accuse her:
"Can't you just get along with your classmates?"
Do you see where you still look like a girl?
Talk so loudly, be so tough, act so rudely..."
Then, the teacher asked her to apologize to the classmate.
The friend was extremely aggrieved in his heart, obviously the classmates took advantage of her lack of attention, deliberately stretched out their feet to trip her, and laughed at her for not walking long eyes.
The friend explained to the teacher, but the teacher did not listen to her explanation at all, and added a hard mouth and sophistry crime to her.
After returning home from school, my friend went to tell my mother about the grievances in my heart. Unexpectedly, her mother scolded her again:
"Quarreling with classmates, being scolded by teachers, such a shameful thing you still mean to say!"
At that moment, the friend felt like he had been slapped hard.
She stood there, dumbfounded, heartbroken.
She had wanted to get some comfort and help from her mother, but instead, what she got was indifference and humiliation again.
My friend's reddened eyes and some trembling voice reminded me of Martin's tearful question to his mother in "The Sky of the Wind Dog Boy":
"A lot of times, not all the truth can be proven.
But there are people you don't need to prove anything to them, they can also cross the eyebrows and the fingers of the thousands of fingers to hug you, but you parents do not. ”
How chilling!
The child's most trusted and loved is the parents, and what they most desire is the trust and care of the parents.
But many times, parents would rather believe what others say than their children.
I'd rather have another cut in my child's wound than crouch down and bandage my child's wound.
For children, this is an emotional betrayal, but also a kind of heartache.
This sad past of my friend reminded me of the story of another girl.
They were also scolded by the teacher, but the girl's mother's reaction made everyone bow down.
In class, a female classmate wanted to go to the bathroom, but the teacher did not let her.
The girl stood up and spoke for the female classmate: "Teacher, this is a physiological instinct, if you don't let her go, her body will be hurt." ”
The girl's offense made the teacher angry, and the teacher punished her for standing in her place.
After the female classmates returned from the toilet, they also stood with the girls. When the teacher saw it, she was even more angry, and she felt that the girl was deliberately against her.
So the teacher called the girl's mother to the school.
The female classmate was afraid that the girl would be scolded by her mother, and explained to the girl's mother:
"Auntie, don't criticize her.
At that time, it was my menstrual period, and she saw that my pants were dirty..."
The teacher said to the girl's mother with a calm face and a very bad attitude: "This is all an excuse." ”
The girl's mother apologized to the teacher one after another: "I'm sorry teacher, the child has caused you trouble, I will communicate with the child well." ”
The girl nervously followed her mother on the way home, waiting for her mother's scolding.
Mom said easily, as if nothing had happened, "Let's go eat well in a moment." ”
The girl asked her mother, "Mom, aren't you mad at me?" ”
Mom replied, "Why should I be angry with you?" You're doing the right thing! ”
The girl asked her mother incomprehensibly, "Then why don't you tell the teacher?" ”
Mother lovingly touched her head and said,
"I don't tell the teacher because she's your teacher and you still have to get her academic education." However, your character and morality do not need her to teach.
You just need to know that you are doing the right thing and your mother will support you.
And for your teacher, Mom's advice is that it is enough to receive knowledge from her.
The teacher is an identity, and the person who carries this identity may not be correct, not necessarily perfect, but learning knowledge can never be wrong. ”
The mother's words solved the girl's doubts and warmed the girl's heart.
Teacher Zeng Qifeng said: "Trust in children is a healthy adventure, and it is also the best gift that parents can give to their children. ”
Whether the child has made a mistake, run into trouble, or has been misunderstood, and when he is wronged, what he desires most is to gain the trust of his parents.
If parents can firmly stand on the same side with their children no matter what others say, no matter what kind of authority the other party is, the child's heart will be full of security and confidence.
A teacher once did a survey in dozens of schools:
"When there is danger in your life, when there is a problem that is difficult to deal with, the first thing you think about is who to ask for help?
Surprisingly, the first children who could think of asking their parents for help added up to less than 7 percent. ”
This is a very frightening fact.
A 6-year-old girl in Changzhou went to the construction site with her father to play, and when she packed up her tools and went home, she accidentally triggered the air nail gun.
A 7 cm long steel nail is inserted straight into the chest.
The little girl was afraid of being blamed by her father and did not dare to tell her father.
It was not until the chest pain was unbearable at night that the little girl confessed to her parents and was rushed to the hospital.
The 7cm steel nail is only 26 mm from the heart, and the little girl passes by the god of death.
A 15-year-old boy in Qinghai committed suicide after being bullied in school for a long time.
In the 3 suicide notes he left behind, he recorded the details of his being bullied by his classmates:
Extorting money, turning on water, pouring foot wash water, washing lunch boxes, washing hair, and even being beaten to the point of dizziness from time to time.
Three suicide notes, word by word, all tell the psychological insults and grievances suffered by a teenager.
It also made the boy's mother feel like a knife, remorseful, it turned out that this was the real reason for the son's truancy, and it turned out that the son had endured so much pain and pressure alone.
Tragedies like these, there are many, many more.
After every tragedy, many parents can't figure it out:
Why don't children ask their parents for help when they have difficulties and grievances? When exactly did the child close the door to his parents?
American psychologist Joyce Blazes found after years of research:
"Why would a child prefer to suffer, suffer, or even commit suicide rather than ask his family for help?" The key reason is that children do not believe in their parents, and they do not dare to believe that they can be tolerated and accepted. ”
Every child is desperate to be loved and trusted, cared for and accepted by their parents.
But don't forget, the child's heart is sensitive and fragile.
Every time parents deny and doubt without hesitation, every indiscriminate accusation and humiliation, and every indifferent neglect and response, they will draw a deep crack in the child's heart, until the child's heart is cold, desperate, and no longer wants to be close to the parents.
The China Youth Research Center has done a survey on "the current situation and expectations of learning and life", and the results show that:
Among the 10 practices that children like most about their parents, the first one is "trust me".
So, what can we do to protect our children's sense of trust and dependence on us?
Before criticizing your child, listen to your child's reasons
A netizen shared an incident when he was a child.
Once, she was playing with her sister, and they grabbed a doll, and when they were halfway through, she thought, "I'll give it to my sister." ”
So she suddenly let go.
My sister fell on the spot and hit her head against the wall.
Dad heard his sister crying on the side, and without saying a word, he threw the netizens on the sofa, and the netizens cried in pain.
This matter has left a deep shadow in the hearts of netizens, until now she clearly remembers her father's terrible appearance at that time and her unspeakable grievances, which is the real reason why she and her father have not handled a good relationship.
There is a saying in the novel "Sword Rain Building" that is very correct: the most wronged thing in this world is to be wronged by your beloved.
For children, the most aggrieved, saddest, and most heart-wrenching thing is to be wronged by their parents.
Instead of indiscriminately accusing and hurting the child, we should give the child full trust before understanding the truth, patiently listen to the child's explanation, and avoid blaming the child and wronging the child.
Stand with the child to defeat the problem, not stand with the problem to defeat the child
Faced with problems with their children, many parents act like enemies.
They rarely consider accompanying their children to solve these problems, but stand against the children and attack the children along with the problems.
As a result, it is difficult for children to recognize their own problems, and they do not know how to correct them.
In fact, children do wrong things, and what they need more than accusations is help.
Remember the 7-year-old boy who spilled ink from the 7th floor?
When his mother learned of this, the first thing she did was not to scold him or accuse him. Instead, he apologized one by one and worked with him to wash all the ink-stained clothes of the neighbor's house.
In the end, the boy not only realized his own mistakes, but also learned to take responsibility, and also understood his mother's hard heart.
There is a saying that goes, stand with the child to defeat the problem, not defeat the child with the problem.
In fact, it is not terrible for children to make mistakes and run into disasters. As long as the parents face him together, bear it together, accept his imperfections, and let the children understand:
Even if I was wrong, even if I wasn't good enough, my parents still loved me.
The child's heart will be full of trust and security for the parents, and will naturally become better towards the expectations of the parents.
No matter how humiliating, please stand firmly with your child
In the TV series "The Secret of Picking Up the Light", the class leader with excellent results brought a small copy into the examination room in order to get good results.
When answering the question, Xiao Cun accidentally fell between him and Ye Sangyu, who was at the bottom of the score.
In this case, the teacher and the director of teaching unanimously determined that Ye Sangyu, who was at the bottom of the grade, cheated and informed the parents.
Faced with the teacher's accusations, Dad calmly asked Ye Sangyu what the truth of the matter was.
After listening to his daughter's answer, the father said firmly:
"Saying that my daughter is not studying well, I admit it. To say that my daughter cheated on the exam, my parents didn't believe it. ”
Dad's full trust made Ye Sangyu's hanging heart immediately full of security.
The next day, the mother took Ye Sangyu to the teacher and asked the teacher to find out the truth and not to wrongfully accuse her children.
Huang Jingjie, a well-known parenting expert, said:
"The size of the parents' trust in the child determines the size of the child's ability, believe in the child's inner strength, they will self-correct and improve, and finally become strong and excellent."
A child who is unconditionally trusted by his parents is happy.
Because the trust of their parents is the strength and confidence of their self-confidence and bravery.
So, no matter what happens to your child, stand firmly with your child.
Let the child feel the love and trust of the parents, and the child will naturally grow to the sun.
There is a passage in "The Story of McDougall":
"People all over the world don't love you, I only love you." People all over the world don't believe in you, I only believe in you. I love you in my heart and liver, and I believe in you in my toes. ”
This is actually the truest cry in every child's heart.
Every child wants to be trusted by their parents and wants their parents to stand behind them.
Because the trust of parents is the nourishment of their love, the biggest confidence in their lives, and the most powerful glue for parent-child relationships.
Love and trust are the best gifts parents can give to their children.
Parents who dare to trust are the wisest parents.
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