Dad died, Mom remarried, and she talked about 5 boyfriends

Text | Liu Na

At the age of 15, his father fell ill and died.

At the age of 17, her mother remarried someone else.

Since then, she has become an emotional wanderer.

01

Receiving a letter from a girl, thinking of many people who are emotionally lonely, I decided to take it apart and talk about it.

The letter reads as follows:

See literally.

I received your new book today, I saw you write articles about young friends, I saw you go back to your hometown, to Shanghai, to meet with friends who have known each other for twenty or thirty years, to promote knee-length talks, to heal each other, I sat on the balcony of my home, and I shed a lot of tears.

I haven't shed a tear in a long, long time.

The most violent time I cried was when I was 15 years old, when my father fell ill and died, as if I had cried all my tears during that time.

My father was a secondary school principal, he was a good teacher and a good father, and many of his students still talk about him to this day.

Everyone says good people live long, but my father left at the age of 39.

That summer, on the 8th day of my middle school exam, my uncle drove me to the hospital in a panic.

My father had been pushed to the morgue, my mother was squatting on the ground weeping, everyone in the house was looking sadly busy, and I stood there dumbfounded, unwilling to accept the fact that "I have become a child without a father."

I felt that my head and chest were empty, and the whole person was like a walking dead, and not a single tear could fall out.

But when I came out of the funeral home holding my father's ashes, tears began to flow non-stop.

Flowing from morning to night, from night to morning, the tears swollen my big bright eyes into a thin line, and I still couldn't stop.

The person who loved me the most was gone.

I don't have a father again.

02

A year and a half after her father's death, her mother, who worked in a hospital, secretly married her leader with a license.

When my grandmother and uncle told me the news, and some of the gossip they had heard, I cried and asked my mother if she had betrayed her father.

The mother said firmly, no.

She said that when her father was alive, she loved him wholeheartedly until the last moment of his life. After her father left, her inner pain wanted to bury her, and the widow's leader cared for her very much, so she was good to him.

Because the two of them are a unit, if they don't get a license to get married as soon as possible, they will breed a lot of gossip, so they secretly got married to me.

At that time, I complained that my mother was weak, and even for my deceased father was not worth it.

Later, I also stepped into the long river of love, trekking through it, hurting others and being hurt by others, and gradually forgiving my mother.

Probably not wanting to live in a familiar environment and being pointed out, I went to Xiamen, a beautiful city more than 1,000 kilometers away from my hometown.

There, I met my first love—

03

My first love was my brother-in-law, and the person who had a deep influence on me in the first half of my life.

We have been in love for two years, and all the shyness and reserve, the fragility and bravery, all kinds of works and all kinds of truths in our youth, have been given to each other.

I was always afraid of losing him, so I was particularly possessive, always wanting to stick to him all the time, with him in my eyes and heart, and felt that once he was out of my sight, he would encounter accidents or fall in love with others.

He gradually began to show impatience, especially after his failure in graduate school, pushing all the questions toward me.

We ended up breaking up.

I stayed in Xiamen, and he returned to his hometown in Suzhou and quickly got married.

The departure of my first love made me lose trust in some kind of post-traumatic after-effects and fall into the same river.

My father left, my mother left, my first love left, and I became an emotional orphan.

But I also longed for love so much, for the kind of love that the other person held in the palm of my hand.

So, again and again, I love with moths.

Fell in love with my co-workers, my fellow donkeys, the spiritual partners I met online, but in the end, they all left me.

My 5 exes, all innocent, I wouldn't be a third party, but at the two-year mark of a relationship, we would break up:

Either I'll make excuses to force them to leave, or they'll make excuses to leave me.

I fell into the incompetence of love:

I only enjoyed the joy, excitement, and totally possessive sense of belonging I had when I first met, and couldn't stand the trivialities of being with each other for a long time, and the ugliness of the commonality of ex-boyfriends that I found.

For example, too rational, too selfish, too calculating, too critical, too calculating.

So, once our relationship stabilized and I saw men's flaws, it became very painful.

Then, thoughts like "break up, leave, goodbye" will keep flashing.

04

This year, I'm 36 years old.

I bought my own house and had my own car, and my mother came to live in and always urged me to hurry up and get married.

I'm afraid I'll get divorced soon after I get married, and instead of hurting myself and hurting others, I'm going to be single.

These days, because my hometown is too cold, I let my mother come to Xiamen for the Spring Festival.

Last week, she and I had another argument.

After the argument, I regretted it and felt like I wanted to love her.

She explained again that her father's departure was her deepest pain, and why should I be so afraid of marriage because my parents could not end their marriage.

I'm not afraid of marriage, I just don't feel like I have the ability to run a marriage and be kind to others.

Today, when I wrote a letter, I read that in "Seeing Words as Faces", there is such a sentence:

"After the secret is shared, it becomes a thing of the past; after the sadness is written, it becomes a cure; after the problem is sorted out, it becomes a gift."

After writing this letter to you, I have gained some peace in my heart, but there is still greed, hoping to receive a reply and let me see my problems clearly.

Love you.

05

The above is the content of the letter, and the following is my reply:

Thanks for your trust.

Let's answer a question together:

Love sounds beautiful, why does it hurt to love?

The answer is:

When we get close to a person and fall in love with him, there is not just one "me" who is in love with that person, but there are many "mes" who are in love with many "him".

Because there are too many invisible traumas between "me" and "him", they have become the most familiar strangers in the gradual distance.

You are 36 years old, whether physically or mentally, you are a mature enough adult, but inside you, there are many wounded "you".

They are 15 years old, suddenly lost the love of their father, has been looking for full fatherly love of you;

It is when you are 17 years old, you learned that your mother remarried, and you consciously suffered abandonment and betrayal;

It is at the age of 20, you who gave all your first time to your first love and watched him drift away;

Also at the age of 30, the moth put out the fire and fell in love with a man of the same age, after embodying the ultimate love and the ugliness of human nature again and again, returning to the lonely you...

All these "you" are your doppelgangers, all dwelling on you, and all of them will point fingers at you when you are hurt.

Therefore, you, and more traumatized people, the most fundamental emotional problem is not the question of what kind of person to enter the marriage hall with, but the question of how to appease multiple doppelgangers in the body and live out a unified self.

Specific to you, you need to face these three problems directly -

06

The first question is: "Is there any man who loves you like his father?" ”

No.

This is a frustrating answer, but this answer helps girls with love brains to see the essence of marriage and love:

Expecting a man to love you like a father is actually a manifestation of self-weakening.

You have been weakening yourself into a little girl with an immature mind, never making unreasonable trouble and not growing up, but expecting the other party to be like a tolerant and generous elder, spoiling you without a bottom line.

This is self-emasculated to you, and it is not fair to your lover.

Over the years, you have been hurt again and again in love, essentially looking for fatherly love.

But father was gone.

As his daughter, you have to learn to grow up, to be physically and mentally strong, to be like your father, to love yourself, to love responsibility, to love your work, to love everyone you meet.

In this way, you will end the love tragedy of repeating the same mistakes:

The high level of love is not looking for someone like you who loves me. It's that I love you, so I become you, and therefore love myself, love others, love all beings.

After seeing through this, let's face your second question:

"How can we make a person belong to us forever?"

No one should belong to us.

The difference between a piece of paper and a butterfly is that paper can be smeared at will, while a butterfly flaps its wings to go where it wants to go.

This is the power of life.

Your love, always after a short period of passion, in addition to your deliberate obstacles to fall into the same river in order to verify the prediction that "everyone will leave me", repeatedly break up, repeatedly hurt, there is another reason:

Your love makes people feel suffocated.

You always want your lover to put all his thoughts on you, but you forget that they also have their own places to go, and love is only part of life, not the whole.

For men, career scenery and career promotion are far more full of spring breeze than love.

Once your lover is out of your sight and pursues their dreams, you will be sincerely afraid of this as a sign of betrayal, they can not bear this controlled love, can only choose to leave.

Love stems from "I want to have you", but the way out is "I let you be yourself".

With this in mind, let's look at one of your deadliest questions:

"Long-term relationship, is it the graveyard of love?"

yes.

Love has highs and lows.

The high point is the joy of the first sight, the joy of the two feelings, the only you in my eyes and heart, the desire to be dripping with juice and the trembling of ten fingers, and the feeling of being colorful every day with you.

But sadly, this high point is time-limited.

It's like an effervescent tablet that is thrown into the water, and at first it will "buzz" and bubble up.

But when it really merges with the water, it quiets down.

Therefore, the low point of love is that in the mutual integration after a long time together, we begin to show our own not good enough side, and also see the ugly side of human nature in each other:

Cowardly, timid, selfish, lying, unhygienic, fond of accusations, carrying the trauma of the original family, the careful eyes and careful calculations of various adults ...

At this time, the meaning of love really comes:

The joy of the first sight and the dripping of desire are the appearance of love.

The true meaning of love is self-improvement.

It is to let us see the trauma and problems lurking in ourselves and each other in the collision with each other, and then face the pain, find a way, constantly adjust, and practice growth.

Many people, especially women, have not figured out this problem all their lives, only covet the beauty of love, are unwilling to solve the problem of love, moths to the fire of continuous love or continuous cheating, just to experience the feeling of being loved, but always stay in similar pain, never understand growth.

This is also your problem:

I only want to experience the highlight moments of love with the posture of being loved, but I am not willing to practice at the low point of love with the attitude of growth.

07

Finally, let's talk to you about parental marriage.

After the father went to heaven, the mother remarried someone else, which is understandable.

I think that if Father could see your mother and daughter in heaven, he would expect you to live happily, rather than living more and more miserably in the seemingly long wait.

The so-called affection is not for you to be widowed until you are old, but after you left, I looked at the whole world and lived out the part that you did not have the opportunity to see.

In fact, I hope you can learn from your mother, she did not live in moral kidnapping, did not live in the evaluation of others, and did not use the standards of a deceased husband to set the current lover.

She doesn't seem loyal enough, but she lives her life in a long-term way.

Honey, whether you're single or married in the future, may you understand:

The world is three-dimensional, and human nature is complex.

The so-called practice is to meet one's own vastness and clarity from this three-dimensional and complex.

well.

- END -