Since the winter vacation, the complaints about the baby in the girlfriend group have become more and more frequent.
A sister shared in the group and found that her baby had a serious tendency to "raise waste".
"Let him make excuses for anything, not be interested in anything, let him participate in any activities "don't.".
What's more, when he encounters a little difficulty, he will give up, or he will not try directly, and if he can escape, he will escape, as long as he fails once, he will never do it again. ”
Later, everyone talked in detail, only to find that it was probably this reason that did not run:
Suspect that the child does not do well, help the child to do too much, deprive the child of the opportunity to explore, and the tolerance for the child's trial and error is too low, resulting in the child's reluctance to try and habitual withdrawal.
Sometimes, it is difficult to raise a child, but it is easy to "raise" a child, so easy that it only takes three words, that is, "you will not".
01, "Raise" a child, just need to often say to him "you won't"
"You won't" hide every detail in life:
1. It may be wrapped in love
Parents love their children, and because of love, we are anxious to block all setbacks and sufferings for our children. Because of love, we hate not being able to do everything for Him.
"You're too young to get it."
How many people often say this to their children, and how many people are raised daily with this idea.
The child wants to play with a very high slide, you are worried about the danger "you can't play, the mother takes you to play with the Trojan horse"
The child wants to wear his own shoes, get half a day or wear the reverse, you have to wait anxiously "you will not, the mother will help you wear it"
The child wants to wash the dishes by himself, but he is not very skilled in getting water everywhere, and you are troublesome "You won't, or play"
When we say "you won't", does the child really not, or do we not want the child to do it?
In fact, "you won't" is just a reason for us to worry, refuse, be troublesome, and be too lazy to clean up the mess, the most grandiose and reasonable reason.
But this kind of "love" deprives children of the opportunity to try and grow.
2. It may also be wrapped in negation
We can't raise children with filters forever, and one day when children are getting older and their abilities are not keeping up, we can't help but question children:
How can you be so lazy, so big that you can't do anything!
How can you find me for everything, how old are you, wear a dress to let me find!
Just like the netizens said: I will not let me do anything at home, and when I am 20 years old, I feel that I should know everything without a teacher. What a beautiful thing.
We can't deprive a child of the opportunity to grow and prove himself while constantly denying him. Over time, the child will completely lose the desire to rise.
This is a double blow to the child, one is to let the child lose the ability to "do" when "can do", and the other is to let the child lose the fighting spirit of "doing" when "wanting to do".
Whatever the original "you can't, you won't", the most immediate and terrifying consequence is that it will continue to imply to the child, "I really can't do it."
When the child keeps accepting this negative cue, he will tend to agree, "I can't do this, I can't do that, I'm too bad", "Such a simple little thing, I didn't do it well." ”
When life is full of powerlessness, the child will think that I am weak, I am poor, I am not good, and slowly he is not willing to try.
02 The best love should be to allow and affirm his free exploration
1. Learning to let go is the most important issue for every parent
In "The Boy Who Opened His Heart", there is such a family, the mother worries about the big things and small things in the family like chicken blood every day, and the care for the husband and son is even more meticulous, so that the 8-year-old son brushes his teeth, buttons, wears shoes and other basic things.
In the host Deng Yaping asked: "Do you not want him to do these things, or will he not do them?" Mom came home: "He won't."
It turned out that she had also let the child do it, but the child did not do it well every time, eating would get everywhere, drinking yogurt would get on the body, pouring water would break the water cup, and finally had to deal with it themselves.
It is probably that we have been adults for too long, inflated, and always feel that only what we have done is right and good.
We are less receptive to the fact that the child is procrastinating, clumsy, imperfect, and certainly less likely to accept that he is wrong.
Therefore, we do not let him try, we directly inform or do the work, so that the child becomes fast, right, perfect.
However, I would like to advise you, can you not be so anxious, wait?
One day C Dad came home and brought back a box of lemon grapefruit, DD wanted to eat, but it was a new variety, according to his previous experience (the experience of wrapping oranges, oranges), how can not be cut.
He made all sorts of attempts that seemed unreliable to adults:
Press with a cup, cookie box. (We don't know what the brain circuit is, we don't dare to ask)
At that time, I had an impulse to tell him that this thick skin could not be opened except with a knife, and even wanted to help him open it directly, but I saw that he never had the intention of asking for help, so I put up with it.
Without peeling the skin, he kept exploring on his own how to open it to eat it.
Finally, with a fork, I inserted many holes in the grapefruit (enduring the pain of the juice splashing into the eyes), but suddenly found that I could suck the sweet juice inside without foreskin.
Inconsistencies, the famous phrase in the history of human evolution came to mind: "The difference between humans and animals is that they can make and use tools." ”
Parents are the guides of their children, and it is important to teach them life skills and shortcuts to success, but what is more important than imparting inherent experience is not to protect them as the most basic human beings in evolution: the ability to try, to try, to try again?
Writer Albert Hubbard once said:
"When parents do too much for their children, children don't do too much for themselves."
We need to have the awareness of taking the initiative to let go, within the child's ability to do things, and encourage him to do it independently. It doesn't matter if you make a mistake or mess up, the child needs to adjust his behavior through the natural consequences of his behavior.
When CC was in elementary school, every morning I had to expend a lot of energy because I woke her up, and the more anxious you were, the more she was abrasive. Later, I simply stopped urging and told her that I had set the alarm, washed, and eaten, and I would not call her again.
Later, she was criticized by the teacher for being a few days late and began to take the initiative.
At night, I packed my school bag and the clothes I wore the next day, and when I got up, she became the one who urged us to hurry up.
So, please believe in your children and allow them to do what they can on their own. Every child has a positive vitality.
2. Say no less and affirm the child more
Children need to know themselves and the world from the mouths of their parents, so please do not easily deny children.
In fact, if you look at it, you will find that behind every thing a child wants to try or screw up, there is his own positive motivation.
When the child shows the consciousness of wanting to be independent, whether he does it well or not, please explore the positive motivation behind the child's behavior and affirm it in time:
"Wow, we babies are all starting to try to dress themselves."
"Oh, you're trying to pour yourself water!" Our baby grows up and wants to do things on his own! ”
After the child does not do a good job or accidentally messes up, please do not rush to deny "you are still young, will not get it", but to affirm the effort, accept the results, and guide the child to summarize the experience:
"It doesn't matter, my mother always broke the water cup when I was a child, and later I knew that the water cup could not be placed on the edge of the table, but should be placed inside the table, so that it was not easy to touch it." 」
If you can constantly discover and reinforce these moments of the child, the child feels that his attempts are affirmed, and the results are accepted.
Naturally, he would be willing to try and do "anything" for himself.
3. Help your child accumulate the "I did it" experience
Jane Nelson said: Children who have not felt "I can do it" will have the belief that "I am not good enough.".
Therefore, we need to help him in his daily life, through some small things, to feel more "I can do, I did" experience:
Take DD, for example, who recently likes to unpack the courier.
We adults have always used scissors to dismantle, he is eager to try every time, my grandmother is afraid that he will cut his hand, always stop "Oh, you can't dismantle that, don't get it!" ”
But as long as I'm here, I'll say: Why not let him try it? Scissors don't work, you can let him try other security tools, or other alternatives.
In the final analysis, when the child has the heart to try, the parent should not be a substitute, should not veto, but think of ways to help the child.
At the beginning, I gave him a discarded ballpoint pen, which was safer, and asked him to try it; after being bigger and slightly able to use scissors, I provided him with a safety scissors, and I only assisted from the side, he was the main, I helped.
On weekdays, I can take apart a courier in 3 or 5 seconds, and if DD is the main force I play assist, it often takes 3 or 5 minutes.
It seems to be a waste of both time and manpower.
However, in the process of raising children, if you have seen the surprise smiling faces of those children after they have succeeded through their own efforts, you have also truly experienced the satisfaction that children are willing to work so hard.
You will definitely find out which detours must be taken, which time must be wasted, and which useless work must be done!
Let the child accumulate the "I did it" experience in life, so that the child can maintain his vitality and sense of strength.
The more a child does it, the more confident he becomes in himself and more challenged by the unknown in the future.
Raising a child is like raising a sapling, you don't have to pay too much attention to his growth, you just need to water and fertilize carefully every day, and the rest is left to the child himself.
The depth of parental love is far-reaching. Smart parents know that the best love is to accompany them and keep them safe, not to do everything for them.