Today is the 26th World Book Day, take advantage of the spring light and read books together. Recommend Waseda University Professor Emeritus and Visiting Fellow of the Reischor Institute of Japanese Studies at Harvard University, "Growing Up Parents".
In many families, the parent-child relationship seems to be very close, and the children are very sensible.
But in fact, parents may have some strong manipulation of their children's behavior, so that children unconditionally obey their own ideas. For example, parents will habitually attack the child's own ideas, such as parents will make choices for their children according to their own wishes, and children who grow up in this family are accustomed to being obedient, very well-behaved and obedient, and are "good children" in the eyes of outsiders, forming an illusion of family happiness that is fatherly and filial piety.
This is a healing manual to help you end family trauma. The author, Kato, uses a wealth of real cases to deeply analyze the reasons and psychological structure of the "parents who don't grow up", and puts forward effective suggestions for ending this vicious circle.
Parents manipulate their children, not because they have authority, but rather because these parents have not grown up and are still dependent on their children, they need children to meet their emotional needs, and in children, they can get everything they want, especially recognition and obedience, such parents are "parents who don't grow up".
This kind of strong parents, they are usually people who were not loved by their parents when they were young.
Even when they grow up, they still have the desire to do whatever they want, always want to get attention and become the focus of the crowd. At heart, they are still a spoiled, irresponsible and extremely dependent child.
Because adult society cannot satisfy their infantile aspirations, they devote this desire for attention and love to their careers, obsessively pursuing fame and status. If he doesn't succeed in his career and can't get praise in the adult world, they will use their partners and children as a vent for their daily negative emotions. Project your desire to be spoiled into the parent-child relationship and let the child be his "parent".
It is an indisputable fact that Chinese parents are generally immature.
Many parents care too much about their children, fearing that they will go down the wrong path, suffer losses, or miss some good opportunity. Although China has a saying that "if you don't listen to the old man, you will suffer losses in front of you", this may make some sense in a society that has remained almost unchanged for two thousand years.
In today's ever-changing progress, the elderly do not necessarily have more insight than young people, if we believe that society is progressive and developing, young people must know more than the previous generation on the whole, and much more today. The old era was a new era of competition but not a new one. In the same way, if two young people compete in the future society, one is the brain of the new era, the other is the old era, and the latter will inevitably be eliminated.
What if young people fall? It is a blessing rather than a curse, and it is a truth that the disaster cannot be avoided, which is an iron law in investment. It is impossible for a person to live a lifetime without planting his head, and if he wants to fall behind, it is better to be a little earlier than a little later. No matter how right the parents are, it is impossible to care for the child for a lifetime, and the child will eventually grow up.
If you fall at the age of 20, there is a chance to stand up again, and when you fall again at the age of forty, it is not so easy to stand up.
Some families have been unhappy, as if there is a curse of quarrel in their blood, which may be the result of the "inverted parent-child relationship" passed down from generation to generation. So what if you find yourself a victim of an "inverted parent-child relationship"?
The answer is that you must overcome the influence of the "parent-child role reversal" on you and end it up with you. Not just for your next generation, but for yourself.
If you are a parent, you have to understand that children do not become bad because they are overly pampered. In the process of parenting, parents should learn to close the mouth of a large section of preaching and listen to their children more, which is the focus of communication with children.
When your child expresses and coddles, meeting your child's needs is the right thing to do. Children satisfy the narcissistic complex by bragging in front of their parents, and the narcissistic complex will naturally disappear in order to achieve psychological growth.
Parents should not emphasize in front of their children how hard they are, and should not brag about themselves in front of their children. I also have to let the child praise and echo: "Mom and Dad are so powerful!" "Once a child becomes a listener, a parent, his narcissistic complex misses the chance to disappear and he may be a narcissist until the age of 80.
Since no one paid attention to him in his childhood, he had to pay attention to himself, but the love for others was very stingy, and he would be extremely concerned about whether others liked him. Because he didn't have any extra energy in his own body, he could only hug himself tightly.
If you are a child, how do you heal yourself?
The most important thing is to leave the parents who control you. Similarly, parents who depend on their children must learn to leave their children. Children find the person they really like, express their opinions to the people they like, perceive and become aware of their delicate feelings, and calmly ask themselves how they really feel when everyone else is in the clouds.
Another better solution is to be aware of the differences between people and people, and learn to enjoy the differences between people.
The definition of happiness. He believes that people cannot attain happiness if they cannot identify with their truest appearance. Happiness is about learning to fall in love with your true self, which includes your appearance, abilities, and cognition. No matter what you look like, what your abilities are, whether you can get better or not, you are happy to accept yourself.
If a person can accept the "true self", then he is happy, and he can sincerely express himself with others in interpersonal communication, so that happiness can be circulated in a person.
Once a person begins to show his true heart to himself and others, happiness will be farther and farther away from him. No matter how rich a person is and how high his social status is, as long as he can tell fewer and fewer truths and has no object to confide in his true heart, then he is unfortunate. Whether a person can succeed in society may depend on his ability, but whether a person can achieve happiness depends on whether he has the mentality of not forcing himself, depending on whether he can tell himself that "I am good now", identify with himself, and tolerate others, which is happiness.
Waseda University Emeritus Professor and Visiting Researcher of the Reischor Institute of Japanese Studies at Harvard University, Kato Tetsuzo described in "Growing Up Parents" that people often mistake parents' dependence on their children for love, and this so-called "love" will make children suffer throughout their lives and pass it on to the next generation of children. This phenomenon is known as the "reversal of parent-child roles". The most frightening thing is that parents and children are often unaware, parents do not realize that they are abusing their children, and children think that their parents love themselves. #读书给人生带来的改变 #
It is recommended that you read "Growing Up Parents - How to End Family Trauma", if you are a parent, you must realize as soon as possible whether you have matured and grown up, do not leave a lifetime of trauma to your children, thank you for reading and paying attention!