Some time ago, a video of a mother complaining that her son was a scum of school caused a hot discussion on the Internet.
The mother in front of the camera is helplessly telling herself that she "accidentally became a scum fucking"——
Both husband and wife are masters of 985 University, and they have entered Beijing with their ability, providing superior learning conditions for their children; in Dongcheng District, where the children are located, the rate of one book can reach 70%, but as a result, their son cannot even go to three books.
In addition to her grades, she also complained in the video about her child's personality - "a bar", which made her father angry twice.
Many netizens commented under the video, both questioning the mother's motivation for taking a spit video, as well as disapproval of their family education methods, and of course, there are many enlightenments for them.
And do not evaluate what the purpose of this mother's complaint is, just from the situation she described, it is enough to make us reflect on the educational anxiety of many highly educated parents at present.
In reality, there are many families who encounter the same problem:
Parents have a high degree, obviously they do not have to worry about grades from childhood, but they are breaking their hearts for their children's learning.
I remember seeing another very popular Vibrato video before: the doctor's mother was forced to cry by her daughter's homework.
In the matter of children writing homework, whether you are a 985 master's degree or a doctorate, many times you still have no problem with your child.
Ding Yanqing, a professor at Peking University, also had to accept the reality that his daughter was a "student scum". Professor Ding said that he could memorize the entire Xinhua Dictionary at the age of 6, but found that his daughter almost perfectly avoided her parents' academic genes, and even could not keep up with the progress of the class.
From the beginning of his hatred of iron and steel, to the later doubts of life, and finally became a heart like water.
"Don't tutor homework father and daughter filial piety, tutor homework chicken fly dog jump." This may speak to a lot of parents.
In fact, without looking at academic qualifications, educational anxiety itself is universal. What parent doesn't want their child to have good grades and a good job? Every family places more or less expectations on their children.
But on another level, highly educated parents may be more likely to have this anxiety. Traditional Chinese culture has always attached importance to education, and the concept of "blue is better than blue" is deeply rooted in the hearts of the people. Chinese families are influenced by this concept, and it is difficult for the average parent to accept that their children are inferior to themselves in terms of academic qualifications.
It is undeniable that highly educated elite families often have the ability to provide their children with better learning resources and educational environments, and most parents will consciously take their children to broaden their horizons and cultivate various interests.
They will pay special attention to their children's education and are willing to invest more in them. Especially those parents who have entered the upper class by reading themselves are well aware of the importance of learning.
But in this way, their children are also more likely to be invisibly burdened with tremendous pressure.
Under the expectation and influence of highly educated parents, children subconsciously believe that they studied hard when they were young, passed the exams of their peers, entered a good school, and when they grew up, they could successfully find an enviable good job, and finally obtain higher social status and wealth.
In the final analysis, such education has been brought to the forefront of purpose.
Children with high expectations tend to see learning as a utilitarian act or preconceived notions that they should be better than others.
However, when they enter the university or society, they will see more people who are better than themselves, and even find that their efforts are not necessarily rewarded, and they are often devastated.
In fact, highly educated ≠ understand family education.
Judging from the language of the master's mother in the video, her evaluation of the child is to use the negative descriptions of "scum" and "leverage", which makes it difficult not to suspect that the family usually has too much derogatory education for the child.
When parents show attitudes like "because you're not good, I'm suffering," it's likely that the child will feel guilty.
This feeling of guilt may lead to the child's obedience to the parents on the one hand, and on the other hand, it may rebel against the parents like the children in the video.
Either outcome is not what parents want to see, and it is not actually out of the child's intentions.
For example, on the issue of learning, many children are easy to feel: parents love me conditionally, and they love me who learns well.
If learning is given such a meaning, learning becomes a painful thing for children.
Boredom is their fastest and most direct resistance.
A homeschool writer once said:
Are children tired of learning?
No, he is tired of demanding himself by his parents' standards, tired of meeting his parents' expectations in order to get love, and tired of being so miserable that his parents don't know it.
Their inner boredom with learning actually reflects the anger of not being seen by their parents, and subconsciously wants to regain their parents' unconditional love and understanding by giving up learning.
Therefore, from this point of view, school aversion is not a problem of children learning at all, but a problem with the relationship between parents and children.
To solve such a problem, the key is for parents to correct their mentality and accept their children.
It's comforting to have a child who is good in every way, but wiser parents think about how to make their children happy even if they are mediocre.
The acquisition of this ability stems from the unconditional love and acceptance of parents.
The extent to which parents accept their children, the extent to which children can reap the happiness and peace. Every child can grow up on their own terms without the pressure of parenthood or academic qualifications.
Second, parents should also put aside their anxiety and fight side by side with their children.
"It's very important to choose whether to stand with the problem and defeat the child, or to stand with the child to defeat the problem. Because this is the premise of promoting parent-child relationship and enhancing children's self-confidence. ”
Forward-thinking parents will not leave the problem to the child to solve alone, and will not blindly accuse the child of making a problem.
Instead, it's about working side by side with your child to solve problems together. Parents can manage their emotions well in order to teach their children how to think rationally and calmly resolve problems.
Good education is never about forcibly changing a child with brute force, but about teaching by example — parents lead by example, influencing their children with their own growth and self-management.
Let go of anxiety, let go of control, and may all parents become better selves first, and then let their children become better themselves.