In the process of redemption, the purpose of the chat is to provide comfort, so that the other party agrees with you indirectly oriented and good results, not that you can get back together if you talk well.
At the heart of chat is emotional value.
Regarding emotional value, in many tutorials, emotional fluctuations are defined as a major emotional value, and they encourage everyone to create a gap. This is indeed an emotional value, but most people want to maintain a long-term relationship after all, just use it as a small skill, and it is not advisable to always use this routine.
What I'm going to say today is:
Basic emotional values meet low-level needs, high-level emotional values meet resonance and recognition, and top emotional values can not only meet low-level needs, but also find resonance and recognition, as well as healing effects.
The more advanced the emotional value you can satisfy, the more scarce the value provided, the heavier the weight you occupy in the other person's heart, the more irreplaceable it is, and the more the other party cannot do without you.
The underlying emotional value satisfies low-level needs, and the low-level needs here do not mean that the needs are very low, but refer to the more common needs that most people have.
For example, everyone has the desire to talk, and even independent people will have it; such as reproduction needs, want to get off the list, so chat with the opposite sex; for example, a feeling of companionship, you chat with a person every day, very stable, very secure.
Therefore, its threshold is relatively low, and you may talk about superficial topics - good morning and good night in daily life, what to eat, what movies to watch, where to go to play - the chat can be carried out normally.
If you can meet the low-level needs of the other party, it means that there is value to the other party, but it is too easy, and another person can also provide it. Many people take this basic emotional value too seriously, thinking that it is very important, and the result has become someone else's emotional garbage can and a spare tire.
Moreover, talking about these things every day, how idle, it is not without serious work. Men are so fond of chatting than women, there is not so much to say, and always talking has become a burden. In addition to their own talk and like you want to get your boys, who will cooperate with you to talk like this every day.
Higher emotional values satisfy empathy and identity, which requires its threshold: having common interests and hobbies, similar three views, similar experiences and feelings, and so on.
You may ask, I also talk about things that interest him, why can't I talk about it? The problem is that if you don't study much about what interests him, just mention it superficially, it's really just a dragonfly.
Those veterans who provide emotional value, even if they do not understand the things and concepts they like, will change the way to repeat and extend each other's words.
You don't understand what he said, ask a few more questions, he is impatient, because he does not understand Baidu, why ask him, waste his time to give you popular science knowledge?
But when others asked him, they not only asked, but also showed interest, and by the way, they praised him for being powerful, and of course he replied sentence after sentence.
When it comes to an idea, you don't know what he thinks, you keep expressing your own ideas, and in the end it may become a talk show for you alone.
But others may, according to his personality and habits, first make some temptations, get a positive response from the other party, and then talk around a certain line of thought, either let him identify with himself or show that he thinks the same.
It seems that two people can chat, three views, but in fact, he found a sense of self-identity and positive feelings of identifying with others in the chat -
Someone likes the same thing as me, which shows that I have taste;
Some people say that I am strong, indicating that I am good;
Some people say that I have three views of righteousness, indicating that I am a very good person;
This person has a deeper understanding than me, and I want to talk to him more and gain more.
This positive feeling reinforces his positive impression of chatting and makes him willing to talk to you more, so as to discover your strengths and strengths.
Top emotional values can not only meet low-level needs, but also find resonance and recognition, as well as healing effects.
The healing effect of the top emotional value is mainly reflected in three points:
· A sense of holding
· Be encouraged and affirmed
· Be part of the other person's self-actualization
First, the sense of holding.
The sense of holding can be understood as the care of the body and spirit, so that the other party has a sense of security. In a sense of holding, he was fully accepted.
You can see his past helplessness in the face of trauma and be willing to hold that person firmly, allowing his presence, telling him that everything will be better.
The imperfect him, the weak him, is accepted by you; his ideas, his intentions, his ideals, are all allowed by you. Either way, you're there and you won't dislike him because he's not good enough.
The second point is to be affirmed and encouraged.
No one doesn't like this feeling, especially men, but like you to praise him.
But the premise is sincerity, affirmation and encouragement from the inside out, not lip service.
The third point is to be part of his self-actualization.
How do you become part of someone else's self-actualization?
Two ideas, one is to tie two people together, and the other is to draw a big pie for him.
To bind two people together is not to stick to him and be inseparable at all times, but to bind the interests of two people together. For example, do something, hold his lap, achieve something, come out and say thank you, but don't treat him as a free laborer.
In this way, as long as he does something good, as long as it is related to you, you help him to complete it, and it has nothing to do with others, you can provide him with scarce emotional value. Especially if two people accompany each other and inspire each other to become better people, they will become irreplaceable beings in his heart, and he will even take "bringing you a more positive impact" as part of self-realization.
Draw him a pie and ask you to draw the pie. As long as the pie is drawn enough to impress him, he is willing to work in a certain direction. The time and effort invested are the silent costs he pays for you.
The untruth of the pie painting is deception; the painting is well drawn, called spiritual pursuit and faith. There are not many people who can draw the cake well, and most of them have become liars, so don't always think about taking shortcuts.
All in all, you still have to jump out of your own small world and see the wider world first, in order to truly tolerate and accept others, so that others can identify with your value. Often immersed in their own emotions, thinking that they have borne a lot, in fact, they have been calculating, and finally love and hurt are reflected to themselves, so in the end they are hurt so deeply.
What else do you not understand about redemption, you can follow me, check out my previous articles, and good luck.
Psychological test: Test the sentence your ex most wants to say to you
1. Do you argue over small things when you're together?
Yes, I often feel tired —2
Rarely quarrel over small things—2
Occasionally, but soon reconciled —3
2. Do you think you are a person who likes to self-reflect and is willing to correct mistakes?
Yes —3
Not —4
3. Will he or she take the initiative to tell you his troubles?
It is often said that -5
Not much to say —4
4. Would you tell your parents about the process of your relationship?
Everything is too big or small, and I often complain to my parents -6
Occasionally they ask and say —5
Hardly to say, nothing to say —5
5. Faced with what you want, how much energy are you willing to put into acquiring it?
Everything follows fate, and it is mine in the end--7
Try hard, maybe you can succeed - 6
Do my best, I want to get --B
6. Did you break up because of a third party?
Yes—A
No —7
7. Did the other party take the initiative to contact you after the breakup?
Yes—D
No—C