Now it is almost impossible to communicate with my son, and sometimes I try to open a topic, but I am directly choked back by my child.
"Did something funny happen at school today?"
"Nothing"
"What do you want to eat, and your mother will make it for you?"
"Casual"
"Today's homework is not difficult, do you need my help?"
"No use"
Think about when your child is a child, the slightest thing will come to you and tell yourself.
"Mom, you see the little fish I painted; Mom played with me; Mom, I had a dream..."
I don't know when everything changed since then?
01、
This mother's confusion is also the confusion of many parents of adolescent children.
"Freezing three feet is not a day's cold", the child's silence in front of his parents, is not formed in a day.
The child who was "talking and intimate" with us was hurt again and again in the following dialogue, and finally became the child who had nothing to say.
Take a look at the following 4 kinds of conversations, are there any between you and your child?
"I pinched the little turtle and dropped a leg (crying)"
"Don't cry, Mom make you a new one"
"No, I want this"
"I'll give you a pinch exactly the same"
"I want this"
"Don't make a fuss!"
- Solve problems in a hurry
"I hate my brother, he always breaks my toys"
"You're a sister, you want to let your brother"
"Why, I hate him"
"You can't say that your brother is still young, you are an older sister, you should be generous."
- Ignore your child's feelings
"Didn't you say take me to the playground today?"
"It's going to rain and can't go out"
"No, I'm going"
"It was a rainy day and the road was very inconvenient"
-- Reasoning and logic
"My red crayon can't be found"
"I told you that the toys should be packed, and now I can't find it."
- Criticize the child
When communicating with their children, parents are always eager to judge, reason, and solve problems. Just gagged the child so that he didn't want to talk to you again.
Adele Farber, an internationally renowned parent-child communication expert, said:
When a child's unhappy feelings are ignored and denied, the child becomes more upset, and even if the parents give a solution, it will have no effect.
In fact, what children need most is to be "heard". When his feelings are understood, he will feel that you are in the same group as him, and will trust you and follow your advice.
02、
Many parents may understand the truth, but when it comes to practical questions, these answers are almost blurted out. What to do?
The top ten best-selling books in American family education, "How to say that children will listen, how to listen to children will speak", give very practical methods and techniques, which are worth learning from us.
A) Use "Uh-huh, oh," "So-and-so" to let your child know you're listening
B. Say how your child feels, so that your child knows that you value his feelings
C. Give them something they can't get in reality in a fantasy way
With these three techniques, the above dialogue will look different:
"I pinched the little turtle leg and lost a leg"
"That's it"
"I used glue to stick, but still can't stick to it"
"Oh, then you must be very entangled"
"Yes"
"I think you must have hoped that you would magically turn the little turtle's legs back"
These are three tips that you can try to bring into the other three conversations and use them in your child's interactions.
When we crouch down, we communicate with him with our eyes level, to feel how the child feels, and to respect his feelings. You will see children relieved to be understood, and obedient to being respected.
Write in the last words:
The worst parent-child relationship comes from "love", but stops at "words", and finally results in "generation gap".
Our relationship with our parents may be like this, but we must not want our children to continue this pattern.
I hope that every parent can remain aware, in the daily life of every word and deed, first put aside the truth and try to correct the child's ideas, first understand your child, see the child's real needs, and then guide him is not too late.
A good parent-child relationship is the foundation of education, the relationship is not good, let alone education!